Taken from 1.Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Adapted by me
I suffered a profound loss before you adopted me, you are not responsible for that.
It makes no difference as to how old I was when I was adopted- because I was adopted!
2. I need to be taught that I may have special needs because I have been adopted and not to be ashamed of that.
It's ok to have been adopted and it's ok to have positive and negative feeling and behaviours because of that fact.
3. If I don't grieve my loss! it will hinder my ability to love and be lived by yourselves and by others.
Don't hide it or ignore it, let me talk about it and work through it.
4. My unresolved grief may make me angry with you.
We all get angry about things outside of our control
5. I need your help in grieving.
Love me, hold me and comfort me.
6. Just because I don't talk about my birth family! doesn't mean I don't think about them
I will wonder who, where they are , I may not talk about them because I don't want to upset you
7. I need you to take the initiative in talking about my birth family.
Even if I don't seem to be interested I am really.
8. I need to know the truth, no matter how painful the details may be.
Honesty is always the best policy
9. I am afraid that I was taken away because I was a bad baby, I need you to help me overcome my shame.
Don't we all blame ourselves for things that go wrong?
10. I am afraid that you will abandon me.
Because everyone else has
11. I may pretend to be whole, so I need you to help me uncover those parts I hide away.
It's easier sometimes to pretend everything is alright
12. I need to gain personal power.
I need to be and I need to understand that I am in charge of my own destiny
13. I need you to accept and celebrate our differences.
It's important that I can be myself and know that it's ok to be like my birth parents
14. Let me be my own person, but do not let me cut myself off from you.
I need to know that I can be me and still be lived by you
15. Respect my privacy about my adoption, do not tell people about it without my consent.
I don't want people to talk about me or know about my history.
16. Birthdays may be difficult
As May Christmas and other holiday times
17. Not knowing my medical history, maybe distressing.
What if I suffer from any mental health problems!
18. I am afraid that I maybe too much for you to handle.
I don't want you to give up on me
19. Even when I am obnoxious, hang in there and respond wisely
I will push all those boundaries, possibly to see if you will abandon me
20. When I want to find my birth family, please remember that you will always be my parents.
I could be curious but if you have enough heart to love 4 children why can I not love you and others?
Good advice from Sherrie Eldridge and her book Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.