I believe in fairies, I do, I do ,I do.

Letters to Father Christmas are currently being written, list of toys and gifts along with all the good things that the children have done over the year, in the hope of ensuring their place on the good list.  This is one of my favourite parts of the Christmas season. Over the last couple of years I have been asked if some of these magical beings that are a part of children's lives really exist. Is it really the tooth fairy that sweeps in exchanging tiny pieces of ivory with a shiny coin, does an elf fill the pockets of the advent calendars that my mum has made each child. Does Father Christmas really make his way down the chimney with a sack of beautifully wrapped gifts to leave for Christmas morning.

What I believe is that magic can only exist if you believe in it, if you do not believe then it ceases to exist. Child 1 understands this and whole heartedly encourages the belief in magic with her younger siblings.

I know that one day for us, the fairies will disappear for a while, but when my four have families of their own, the magic that awaits quietly in the background will weave itself around the next generation of our children,  infusing their life with dreams, hopes and laughter. After all what would life be with out a dream to follow?.........

Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.

Taken from 1.Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Adapted by me

I suffered a profound loss before you adopted me, you are not responsible for that.
It makes no difference as to how old I was when I was adopted- because I was adopted!
2. I need to be taught that I may have special needs because I have been adopted and not to be ashamed of that.
It's ok to have been adopted and it's ok to have positive and negative feeling and behaviours because of that fact.
3. If I don't grieve my loss! it will hinder my ability to love and be lived by yourselves and by others.
Don't hide it or ignore it, let me talk about it and work through it.
4. My unresolved grief may make me angry with you.
We all get angry about things outside of our control
5. I need your help in grieving.
Love me, hold me and comfort me.
6. Just because I don't talk about my birth family! doesn't mean I don't think about them
I will wonder who, where they are , I may not talk about them because I don't want to upset you
7. I need you to take the initiative in talking about my birth family.
Even if I don't seem to be interested I am really.
8. I need to know the truth, no matter how painful the details may be.
Honesty is always the best policy
9. I am afraid that I was taken away because I was a bad baby, I need you to help me overcome my shame.
Don't we all blame ourselves for things that go wrong?
10. I am afraid that you will abandon me.
Because everyone else has
11. I may pretend to be whole, so I need you to help me uncover those parts I hide away.
It's easier sometimes to pretend everything is alright
12. I need to gain personal power.
I need to be  and I need to understand that I am in charge of my own destiny
13. I need you to accept and celebrate our differences.
It's important that I can be myself and know that it's ok to be like my birth parents
14. Let me be my own person, but do not let me cut myself off from you.
I need to know that I can be me and still be lived by you
15. Respect my privacy about my adoption, do not tell people about it without my consent.
I don't want people to talk about me or know about my history.
16. Birthdays may be difficult
As May Christmas and other holiday times
17. Not knowing my medical history, maybe distressing.
What if I suffer from any mental health problems!
18. I am afraid that I maybe too much for you to handle.
I don't want you to give up on me
19. Even when I am obnoxious, hang in there and respond wisely
I will push all those boundaries, possibly to see if you will abandon me
20. When I want  to find my birth family, please remember that you will always be my parents.
I could be curious but if you have enough heart to love 4 children why can I not love you and others?


Good advice from Sherrie Eldridge and her book Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.

A 5am start

Since the clocks went back last month child 4's morning rising pattern has been disturbed. He tends to wake up anywhere between 4.40am and 6.20 am and so invariably I have found myself some where between sleeping and waking, clinging to that dream yet knowing that a little voice will interrupt it with a call of "mummy".

You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming?” Tinkerbell from the movie Hook.

In all honesty it's hard to drag yourself out of a warm cosy bed on a cold autumnal morning, even if it's to fetch the new baby from his cot.

This morning though was different, special even. Dad went to get child 4, popped him in bed with me and went off to warm his milk. Child 4 snuggled down facing me tracing my features with his fingers, quietly chattering away and then letting me trace my fingers over his eyes, nose and mouth. When Daddy returned with a bottle of warm milk he settled into the pillows and guzzled away before tracing his daddy features, then taking it in turns to kiss us.

Bonding is so important for us all, for child 4 to become a member of the family he needs to have bonded with us and there are many ways that we can encourage that bonding but then we have to wait, watch, hope and wait. We follow all the advice, we play games together, like building train tracks and marble runs, we frequently share stories and are now building a library of favourites, we sing songs especially Incy, Wincy Spider, Row, Row, Row your Boat and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, we chatter away together, we make skin contact, ruffling hair, tickling and blowing raspberries on his fat belly and we carry him a lot, giving lots and lots of cuddles, not necessarily expecting cuddles back.

This morning, was the first time that child 4 has initiated the skin contact, copying our caresses of his face, by gently stroking our faces. We are still at the beginning of our journey and the bonding won't happen straight away, but we are making good strong steps in the right direction.

A letter to write

It's time for our first indirect contact with child 4's birth parents. We will be swapping letters twice a year once in April and then in November. This is primarily for child 4's benefit but I also think that his birth mum will be waiting for our contact every six months. I know it's strange but I feel that I have some responsibility for our baby boys birth mother, I guess I can feel her grief and sorrow or at least I imagine I can, although I know those imaginations cannot be anything like what the reality must be.

Research has shown that some children benefit from some form of contact with their birth parents. In our case indirect contact via a letterbox system is what has been chosen by the social services team in charge. This means that we write a letter to the birth parents every 6 months no photographs are to be included to protect child 4.  Hopefully, the birth parents will respond. All letters are sent to County Hall to protect us, the letters are checked and then the letter for child 4 is sent to us, but the birth parents will only be able to view their letters in County Hall. Social services keep copies of all the letters so that once child 4 is an adult he will be able to see all the information and history of his childhood.

So what to write, I empathise with birth mums situation so I really want the letter to make her feel that she did the right thing in agreeing with the adoption of her son! I know that she had no real choice, child 4 had been removed from his birth parents care and the courts had agreed that he should be adopted. But for her I think it's important that she knows that he is safe, healthy, happy and loved. So I start the letter with how we took a balloon to the top of a hill on child 4's birthday and let it go. Then I shared his favourite foods and activities, what his favourite book, nursery rhyme and TV programme are. What he can say and what mischief he gets up to. Finishing with how we are awaiting their response so we can share it with child 4 and then keep it in his memory box for when he is old enough to read it himself.

I cannot guarantee that the birth parents will keep up contact but I know that we will. It maybe that child 4 doesn't want to have contact and that is fine we can keep the contact ticking over just in case, when he is old enough he can choose what is best for him and as his family we will support him and walk alongside him on his journey regardless of the path he chooses.

I keep this quote close to my heart, to remind me of how very lucky I am ........

 

Why adopt

This week is National Adoption Week, it seems a little inappropriate for children to be advertised on the BAAF (British Association for adoption and Fostering) and This Morning, to me it feels a bit like window shopping. But, with 4000 children who are waiting to be adopted and not enough willing adopters out there I guess that it is a way to highlight their plight.

So why did we adopt, this is a question that I shy away from, not because there is a weird response but because I am a little defensive about it I guess. People have  tended to react in three different ways to our adoption, one is to say how amazing we are and paint us as angels, then there are those who really don't understand and think that we are do-gooders that are risking damaging our existing families by taking in a damaged child who will no doubt end up in trouble of some kind examples given would be drugs, alcohol and prison and finally there are those that are just not interested.

I am embarrassed when people say how amazing we are because I honestly don't see it like that! we haven't adopted to ensure a place in heaven, I just wasn't done on the children front and instead of adding another by conception thought that why not "rescue"  a little person in need of a family. After all we have a huge family, some amazing friends and a fabulous community. We had room in our hearts and home for another child and to us it really didn't matter where that child came from, so why not take one from the system and give them what very child deserves a loving family.

I am infuriated by those who tar these children with the so called behaviours of their parents, those behaviours are the ones usually found splashed across the front page of a tabloid newspaper primarily for shock value, not an educated debate. There are those who still believe that the sins of the father or mother are passed to their children, conveniently ignoring the fact that adoptive parents will be these children mothers and fathers and therefore will hopefully break the cycle of poverty, neglect and abuse. Their lack of empathy for all those involved, especially the birth parent is quite possibly why the cycle keeps spiralling instead of being halted by love and support.

And I am saddened by those not interested.

Please just look at the information available about adoption, maybe you could adopt like us. It's been worth every moment, so far.

http://www.baaf.org.uk/national-adoption-week

http://www.actionforchildren.org.uk/our-services/adoption-fostering-and-children-in-care/adopt-a-child/national-adoption-week

To infinity and beyond

Today I really appreciated the support network that surrounds us, people who are just there and step in to help in some way or other. They are probably completely unaware of how a moments kindness, smile, hug or conversation shares any burden you may be carrying. Making you look at life in a different way, making you grateful for what life has given you, rather than being blinkered because you have a had a tough morning.

This week has been tough but fantastic, as it's been half term I have spent all week with the children, our first holiday all together, so it's been fabulous for us to grow together as a family, but it has rubbed off some of that rose-tinted effect that has encompassed us the past few weeks. Child 4 has not lost any of the love and affection we feel for him, but he is no longer the cherub that can do no wrong. All of us have had moments of upset and have wanted to just crawl into a corner and cry, just because the stress has become too much.

This morning child 4 woke at 5.40 am, and by 9.30 had flushed away a toilet roll, climbed on a chair and dropped an egg on the floor, I am sure just to see what would happen and finally tossed a brand new jar of homemade strawberry jam over his shoulder, smashing one of the tiles beside the oven.  By the time we had made it to mass this morning, late of course, my stress levels were peaking. But then all of a sudden,  people just seemed to offer their support, hugs were readily available for all, friends supplied tea and biscuits and an ear for all the children. A fab friend spoke to child 3 about a Christmas movie they must see this year, just the two of them, she listened to child 1 telling her how fab she was and offered child 2 reassurance about being a teenager. An older parishioner just sat and chatted to child 4 as he devoured a cup cake smothered in buttercream and chocolate buttons. Others just found the humour in my stories of this mornings trials and tribulations taking away the grumble and stress and replacing it with laughter.

I returned home lighter, more able to cope with what ever would lie ahead for the remainder of the day. What is done is done and I am really so lucky to have such and amazing mix of family, friends and community. With that sort of love and support anything is possible. Thank you

The weeks progress

Well, where to start............ Child 4 has shown off his prowess in climbing, particularly on the kitchen table, he can unravel a whole toilet roll in seconds. Not only can he turn on taps he can also flush the toilet over and over again. He can now get into the conservatory and is a dab hand at turning off the TV especially if the others are in the middle of a race on the Wii. He is now able to amazingly manoeuvre his arms out of the straps on his car seat, meaning frequent stops to strap him back in and his aim with an apple, a spoon even a porridge filled breakfast bowl is spot on!!!

To be fair though he now only calls me mummy, his speech is moving on leaps and bounds, he kisses everyone good night and he even cried yesterday, a big first. He puts his wellies on in the morning to see the chickens and actually curled up with me on the sofa to watch In the Night Garden for about 10 minutes, this evening. He now finds a book for someone to read to him and will play trains for a little while before the need to throw overtakes him.

He is just a part of the family, sometimes a pain in the bum, but at other times he is a delight. It is like he has always been here. Despite the exhaustion, although it was a 5.50am start this morning, it's getting better, now is that because we are getting used to him or the other way round??? I wouldn't have it any other way!