Love

"Love is all you need" doesn't seem to work in the adoption field. Love is pretty much a given, surprisingly in a way. Who would have believed that you could meet a 2 year old and fall in love so very quickly. I didn't but have been proved wrong. 

Many adopters though will tell you that Love is not enough to help our children, some of whom have been so very damaged by their early start in life. Many children need support and help outside the family unit and the families need support and help to keep their lives on an even keel. I can only speak of my experience not of other peoples, every story is different. I often hear the comment "all children do that, oh he will be fine, he was so little when you adopted him so he won't remember the best one was I know all about adoption I've watched The Dumping Ground" yes honestly that is true!! Sometimes, I doubt myself, am I imagining things, am I over protective or making excuses. When we started school I know they pooh poohed my concerns, thinking I was an over protective parent, although to give them their due they have seen the light and are putting lots of support in place to help with child 4's agression and anger.

I like many over the last couple of days have read the Daily Mail Article "They open their homes to adopt – then find they’ve taken on youngsters who wreck their family." 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4069254/They-open-homes-adopt-ve-taken-youngsters-wreck-family-continue-BETRAY-loving-parents-asks-CAROL-SARLER.html

A coarse and frightening piece of journalism. One that shows little compassion for anyone involved in adoption be it the children, the adoptive families, the birth families, social services or adoption charities. A piece of work that could sadly put off potential adopters and scare adopters like myself who are not living the lives of these families but worry that our lives could change very quickly and we could find ourselves living in homes full of egg shells where one false move could cause family life to deteriorate  into crisis. It tells of the worst case scenarios within adoption, scenarios that are being shared more and more frequently. Not that it seems to change much. No one really wants to talk about adoption breakdowns or families in crisis, I guess because it calls the whole system into question. How many noticed that in the article Katya's birth mother was only a child herself, in care because her mother was in prison, a cycle of neglect that may have been started generations before. The only way to call a halt to the cycle is help and support. Help and support that is either slow in coming or not even in existence. There seems to be an issue with spending money, short sighted because in the long run it will save a fortune. Adoption breakdowns cost the state a fortune, lack  of support could mean that some children will remain wards of the state in the prison system or they end up requiring medical intervention due to homelessness, drug abuse or obesity,  In away it is good that the article has opened up a debate, but I suspect that it is a debate that only those actually involved will join, most of society will if they even read it,  feel briefly saddened or ignore it. I think that It is hard to actually believe that children can behave the way that the article portrays unless you are living it, it is easier to brush it off as "something all children do" than to consider the whys and wherefore as to why a child would behave in such a terrifying way, full of so much anger, fear and sorrow. Especially when you consider the lives of so many children around the world today. It is easy to think we can save a baby or a toddler when we see their sad faces plastered across the media/social media but where is that desire to save them when they have grown into angry, obnoxious and agressive teenagers? 

Love has to be bigger than that we have for our families, it has to encompass all those in society that need it. Imagine what could be achieved if their was more compassion if our tax money was collected properly and was spent on helping those who need it rather than on big salaries.

So I guess all I can do today is pray for those who really need help and that love along with pro-active parenting, training, a supportive school and community and a family that stand well and truly in our corner will be enough. 

Peace

Peace on Earth is something to dream about, something to wish for, but, finding peace in my little spot on earth is something I may actually find.
Over the last few years I have been trying to find peace in what I have or to find peace in myself, tricky when you live in a busy household, when you are a working mum of four.

Sometimes I am sure that I have grasped this elusive wish and my world feels calmer, softer and warmer. I can be surrounded by the noise of family and friends and find that I am at peace, in fact it is often when I am surrounded by those I love that I am at peace. I don't have to act in a certain way, don't have to watch what I do or don't say and I don't have to worry about how I look.
I have I think, realised that peace cannot be found, we have to create it, we have to live it and in turn give it away wherever we can.

Now with a house full of children all dealing with growing up, finding their way, moving forwards. (Although at times we seem to take one step forward, two steps back.) it seems especially desirable to be able to give peace away. I wish peace of mind to my children, I wish for them to be fearless in their heading out into a world that doesn't care about where they came from, shows little interest in how life decisions, not necessarily made by them, impact on how they grow. I wish for them to be strong and believe in themselves, I wish for them to be compassionate towards others and I hope they recognise that sometimes you have to find the courage to walk away from people to find peace, sometimes you have to leave people to find their own way, because if you walk with them they take you somewhere that you don't want to go.

Hope

Adoption is a funny old thing, it changes everything, your outlook on life, your relationship with acquaintances, friends, work and family it impacts on everything. How I manage my family, my emotions, my work/life balance. Along the way we have distanced ourselves from some but others have integrated themselves into our lives with ease offering all manner of support, some involving coffee others involving gin. We seem to have made lots of new friends, others like us, parents dealing with children who need something more, something different. Or just those who go with the flow. We, I think are lucky to be so established within our community that many although often dubious have given us the benefit of the doubt then, when realising that we only have our children's best interest at heart and know what we are talking about, work with us to ensure the best outcomes for our children.

Pro-activity is the key life plan. We pro-actively manage everything, holidays, weekends, starting school, beginning new clubs always assuming the worst and hoping for the best. We stop cycles of behaviour by talking, planning, returning to known ways that work or try new ones. We attend courses, read blogs, articles, books all about how to support all our children and ourselves through this mine field that we sometimes stroll through, other times we tip toe, silently and cautiously, sadly we occasionally misstep causing explosions and fallout.  

Outside influences can rock this, emotions triggered by others can cause a ripple effect, like that of a stone being tossed into smooth, calm pond. The ripple starts small but spreads quickly, effecting more of the pond surface, the ripples often increasing, becoming faster and more agressive until they peter out and once again the pond is smooth and calm again.

Advent always makes me think, it's a time to revisit the year and think about the coming new one. It's a time to think about the bad stuff and what can we do to avoid it, the not so good stuff and how we can change it but most importantly the things that have gone well. We have had a wonderful year really, a fantastic family holiday, amazing exam results, medals at gymnastics, a happy settling into school, children growing and changing, making us proud. Then we have those days of quiet, calm simplicity, the days full of sunshine and joy and the days of exciting, chaos. Those are my favourite memories and I am hoping that 2017 will be filled with days like those, days like those overcome all the days that aren't so good.

Sweet fillings

I've been thinking about how to minimise our tricky behaviours especially after school and at the weekends. This has meant a backward step or two for me personally, a return back to those first days when I had to be on hand tso manage those late afternoon, early evening witching hours and at the weekends to be in a 24/7 supervisory mode. I am now ensuring that dinner is prepared before I do the school pick up, on work days I prepare stuff in the slow cooker or go for simple pasta bakes when I get up in the morning. Mornings are good, child 4 wakes early but is happy to potter, eat breakfast, watch a bit of CBeebies or play with some toys. Other days I make it whilst the children are in school. This seems to alleviate the agression after school as I am more available, I can cuddle up on the sofa with child 3 & 4 or we can play, read, paint or bake. The hair pulling, the throwing and the hitting have begun to disappate. At the weekends we have to be more structured as the days are long without school.
We have been having our neighbours children over for an hour or so most Saturday mornings the last few weeks and I have found that structuring their time has been the best way to manage them. We have made biscuits, on Halloween weekend we iced ginger bread men shaped biscuits into skeletons and on Firework night we made edible sparklers by dipping breadsticks firstly into melted chocolate then a variety of cake toppings, such as 100's and 1000's, glittery sugar and chocolate sugar strands.
I've extended this to cover much of the day through Saturday and Sunday, not just baking just more structure and it is working slowly. Yesterday went extremely well, especially as Mr L and child 2 had headed off to watch the football 3 hours away. We made Christmas shaped bird seed cakes, did a bit of shopping, made lunch, went to a party, went for a walk and played in the bath.

Today was a little trickier probably because after lunch with my parents we relaxed on the sofa to watch Babe, child 4 isn't quite ready for a 90 minute movie, he soon became restless and looked for ways to annoy his siblings, very successfully. Now he is asleep in bed and I am finishing off my blog before checking out Pinterest for new ideas for activities!!!!

This mornings creation - White chocolate cookies. We also made our Christmas Cakes.  Busy busy busy hands mean less chance of trouble maker hands.

The end of the school honeymoon

This week meant a follow up meeting in school, to see how child 4 was settling in. Child 4 has settled in well, there are no concerns regarding his academic ability and he loves forest school and PE. However, he is hurting someone every single day. I was hoping that his agression and sometimes violent action remained within the home and I was saddened if not surprised that my hopes had not completely come to fruition.  In reality since half term we have been struggling with many difficult behaviours, it's quite exhausting, days that easily spill into anger, rage and fighting, evenings of clingy battles against sleep and a move from when safety was in sleep to a need from him to end up in our bed. A need to feel secure and loved despite or because of his behaviour earlier in the day.

The school are being amazing, they are planning to add yoga to help with his anger and a social behaviour learning scheme using stories in school, supported with stories at home with additional ELSA support in school, they will also look at an additional staff member to help support within the class as child 4 cannot cope without an adult presence, the minute he is left to his own devices especially in free flow play or playtime something will happen. Hopefully as his days become more structured he will feel more secure and his behaviour will calm down. He has build a strong and respectful relationship with his teacher to the degree that sometimes if he feels unable to cope he will find her and stay close to her until he feels safe again.

At home Mr L and I are going to do a Conscious Parenting course, I did one three years ago when child 4 arrived but of course he was 2 then, now at 5 things have changed and evolved and I could do with a reminder and some new ideas in managing some of the more difficult behaviours that seem to be exhibited more and more often.

All this left me a little despondent for a while, in so many ways we have made so much progress, then something reminds us that life is not plain sailing I am just so grateful that we have such a good relationship with the school and that they are willing to put huge amounts of support in place when it is required. Also with our post adoption team who have already found places on courses for us to attend, Mr L this month and me early next year.

I often wish that I had a magic wand and some magic spells to fix it all, but that I guess would be too easy.

National Adoption Week, belated thoughts

National Adoption Week brings such a myriad of feelings, it reminds me at every mention on the news and social media that our last baby was adopted and with that comes the mixed feelings of adoption. 

Rightly adoption should be the last resort for children, where possible they should remain with their families however our society has made the decision that where a family cannot care for their children the children should be removed and placed in an environment where they can be cared for. 

I honestly don't know what is the best thing for these children so badly hurt by those they love. The decision is made by those with greater authority than I. I, like those who adopt are left to deal with the fallout big, small or indifferent. 

All the training, all the reading and if lucky the support does not really prepare us, any of us for the trials and tribulations of adoption. Our parenting becomes central to our whole way of life, if we get it wrong, which is often as we are human and evolution has taught us to react sometimes defensively other times aggressively especially when we are tired, confused or stressed. Our children seem to know exactly which buttons to press to get some form of reaction, not necessarily the one they were hoping for but once the roller coaster ride  has begun it can be really, really hard to put the brake on and preferably not when we are all hanging upside down. The fixing of these errors in judgement can be lengthy and saddening. 

Us adoptive parents all understand the need and benefits for PACE parenting, Daniel Hughes is a hero of mine, but the realities of constantly and consistently using therapeutic parenting are very very difficult. The expectation for us as parents is to always be calm, to be playful, to be able to wonder why something has happened, to accept it as the way that it is for the moment, to empathise with the child in question. We have to think like this when a car is being thrown at our face, whilst furniture is being pulled over, when one child is really really hurting a sibling, biting, hair pulling, slapping and kicking. In reality we react often in anger, despair or even desperation and then that often means that the situation spirals out of control, so we not only have to deal with a distraught child but also the pangs of guilt, knowing that we have made the situation worse.

I took a therapeutic parenting course not long after child 4 arrived and three years later need to go to the same course again, I need to be reminded of how to remain calm, how to be playful, how to consistently use I wonder. 

Some of this I am sure is because I am surrounded by families who have no idea about realities of adoption, who will say but all children do that, don't worry he will grow out of it or you should use the naughty step. It makes me question my worries and my parenting. Some time spent with other adopters is needed if only to make me feel that I am not alone, that we need to look at the positives. We have so many positives child 4 is loving school and he is loving rugby. He wants to cuddle up and says sorry when he has hurt someone. He sometimes recognises that he is getting angry or scared and will find his trusted adult to sit with. He has become such a part of the family that when life is calm we forget about adoption. I suspect that being back to school and normal routines life will settle down and I will once again just get on with things. That is until the next National Adoption Week 

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Love

Usually, when someone asks if I love child 4 like I love my three older children, I answer bluntly and to the point but this week it was different. The person who asked was careful with the way they asked the question and it wasn't a curiosity about my relationship with my children, it was an honest question, a question from her heart, she was asking if the love for an adopted child could be the same as that for a child you give birth too. She was asking because in probability the only way for her to have a child would be through adoption.

My answer was as quick as always, but, a little later it did make me stop and think. I could understand the concern, there is so much in the parenting world about pregnancy, mothers bonding and that desired mothers love. Interestingly, I didn't really like my first baby when she was born and when I, concerned by my lack of love for this beautiful, helpless baby told my mum of my fears her response was "well I didn't like you too much either"

As a new young mum, I did not speak of my worries with my new found post natal friends, fear of looking like a bad parent meant that I kept my worries to myself. I wonder how many other mothers feel the same as I. Many I suspect. As a society we worry so much about how things must look, about  how we should behave so that sometimes we miss what is right in front of us. Of course I struggled to love my baby in the way that magazines and today social media portrays, bouncing, perfectly dressed babies and mothers. No one seems to show the long hours of labour, the stitches, the blood loss, the agony of breast feeding, the exhaustion. It was no wonder that I wasn't overly fond of my first born. But, the mothering instinct kicked in, I fed her, changed her, talked to her and when she did sleep I sometimes watched over her, slightly awed by what my husband and I had created.

Those want to be parents, who can not chose the birth route must feel just as scared, but in a different way. I would not even try to guess their worries and concerns, how could I have any real idea. But, having been fortunate enough to have done both, birth and adoption I can say, unreservedly and wholeheartedly that the love I hold for my children is the same for each of them, they are four totally different characters with different  strengths and different flaws. As parents we have to adapt our parenting to fit with who they are to ensure we support them the best we can and yes I am more protective of child 4, his uncertain beginnings mean that his need for us is a little different, more demanding maybe. But the love is the same.