Interview with a school

Sometimes being a governor isn't good when you are also a parent! You see and know things that perhaps you would prefer not to, life isn't fair, straightforward or black and white. There are budgets many, many children each of whom matter, targets, standardised tests and so on. The constraints are huge, so when it comes to one set of parents asking for a whole school change for what on the face of it is for one child there really should be no surprise that those requests are met with caution or sometimes complete dismissal. After all in many cases the person sat in front of us has years of experience in teaching and school process'. Yet none of whom have any understanding of the issues regarding children in care. Not intentionally, I am sure but our education system does not seem to take into consideration children who do not fit the norm emotionally or academically.

 The YIPPEE Project  aims to 'increase knowledge of the post-compulsory education of young people who have been in public care as children'
A research project funded by the Framework 7 Research Programme of the European Union, this research brings together and studies five EU countries – Denmark, Hungary, Spain, Sweden and the UK. 
When children in care were asked if they felt that schools offered them a safe and secure environment the responses were a resounding yes in every country EXCEPT the UK!
http://tcru.ioe.ac.uk/yippee/

It hadn't occurred to me that the primary school that has served for our 3 older children may not be the place for child 4, until I read Sally Donovans " Unofficial Guide To Adoption" and when it did I was filled with concern almost bordering on despair, what if the school I had been such an advocate for wasn't able to take on child 4 and his potential needs. I knew deep in my heart if the school couldn't or wouldn't ready itself for supporting children with difficulties with attachment I would have to consider an alternative. So using Sally Donovan's chapter on advocacy I planned our interview with care, I dressed professionally, packed up all my adoption books, set up a folder with all the research I have on attachment. I wrote out everything I wanted to talk about and revisited my knowledge, finding old and  new research supporting our request for staff training. It was imperative that the head actually believed that children whom have been adopted have been traumatised, they are not just magically fine because they have a new family who can take care of them. Their trauma can exhibit itself in what could be viewed as naughty behaviour or symptoms of ADHD. If the staff didn't recognise or believe in the research then there would be no hope for us building a relationship with them.

On Tuesday Mr L and I met with the head and the SENco. I was nervous, what if they showed no understanding or willingness to listen? what if the head suggested that I looked at other schools to ensure the best possible outcome for our son, what if I was just unhappy with the reactions. But   Phew , all worked out. The SENco had just been to a county meeting where attachment was the headline topic. The school were sending four staff for KS1 to an inservice training day about attachment and if that was successful and useful then the school would ask for the trainer to come into school to explain the neurology and impact of attachment and how staff can deal with the behaviours that spiral from it.

I left the meeting relieved, I couldn't have asked for a better start to what will be a new  relationship with our school. The SENco is definitely in our corner, she is learning everything she can about attachment and is very open minded to the research and its suggestions in how to deal with the behaviours our children exhibit. With her championing my son and with the head at least willing to learn about attachment our son is in with a fighting chance to an education with all the emotional support he may need.  And it's not just him who will benefit, with the school looking at how to get the best from their children by using therapeutic methods mean that many other children will benefit too.

a potty trial

On Wednesday afternoon child 4 decided that he didn't need a nappy anymore. Wahey, celebrations, hand clapping galore, the waiting until he was ready seemed to have worked..........

There have been signs that he was beginning to recognise his nappy, he used to hide when filling it and then deny having had a pooh when the delightful aroma would reach its smelly tendrils up our nostrils. Only a couple of days before, I walked into the bathroom and there he was sitting in the dark on his potty. He sent me away and then did his business and flushed it all away.

Wednesday was a success, he managed all afternoon to use the potty, he wouldn't let any of us help him and certainly didn't want any spectators. A bit of that control Behaviour rearing its head, but he was doing so well we decided to go with the flow. Thursday was nursery, so I packed his bag with spare clothes including new pants, wipes and nappies just in case. J his key worker was excited and more than happy to go with child 4's demands, I wasn't sure how it would go, I was hoping that because toilets in a nursery are a kind of children's community meeting place all would be well. Foolish, foolish, foolish. Child 4 refused to use the potty and had a melt down when the little toilets were suggested. So he came home with bags of wet clothes. J and I attempted to talk to him about what he wanted to do but he just shut us out, talking about anything else but potties. J asked  "Would you like to bring in your potty from home?" Child 4 answered "Can I go outside now"   Today was an exact replica, he wanted to wear pants but just wouldn't use the potty.

We have decided to see how the weekend goes, I've promised to let him buy a new potty to take to nursery on Monday - he of course wants a cow one or maybe a pink one, please please please go for a pink one - Amazon amazingly do have a cow potty but at £25 not sure I really want to go that route - I'll be pushing for a pink one!

I am honestly not worried if he wants to wait a bit or if he wants to keep on trying, the others just got on with it too and when accidents happened they just put their wet clothes in the washing machine. None of the older ones emptied their potty though. They would proudly show me there potty fillings. Child 4 though oh so different and despite being proud that we are making headway I am sad that it's all hidden away and I am having to gently remind him that independence although a good thing isn't always a requirement when you are 3 years old and have a family to help you.

#Taking Care

I have always been quite open about my life, in fact one of my co-workers has said that she sees it as a gift, the ability of being able to give part of myself so honestly and unashamedly. Can't say that I see it that way, I have always believed that a problem aired is a problem shared. But I find now that I don't share, because when I do, I rarely feel supported. Everyone it seems has pearls of wisdom - you need to put him on the naughty step, it's your own fault you don't discipline him enough, all children do that, my kids did that, you need to start treating him the same way you dealt with the older children. I explain about rejection so we don't have a naughty step, I explain that we keep him close and make sure that he knows that he is loved regardless and help him with any appropriate consequence, yes, I know all children do the things he does but they don't do it with the same force of emotion - I know because the 3 older siblings who are our birth children did some of those things but it wasn't anything like what we deal with, with child 4. I explain that his start in life was so very different to his siblings so it's not right to parent him in the same way. Sometimes I see a glimmer of understanding, but often I see their eyes glaze over or they shrug their shoulders as if to say, well if you don't take my advice then what do you expect, oblivious to the fact that I wasn't really asking for their advice, I just needed a bit of understanding, a hand on my shoulder or a reminder that we are doing ok.

This not sharing is quite alien to me and it makes me feel ashamed, as if I should be ashamed by child 4 or my lack of ability to parent him in the "politically correct" way. This makes me cross, the only way to educate people about children in care is to share actual experience backed up by all the research we adopters have read and studied. If we feel too ashamed to share how can we educate!!!!

Child 2 made dinner tonight : Chicken and Avocado salad followed by Chocolate and Raspberry muffin

Then yesterday on my way to work, I was thinking about #takingcare100, a photo of something that is you taking care of yourself, something that makes you happy and I was, as I have been for the last 10 days thinking of what makes me happy, for me and I seriously couldn't think of anything, I had lost the will. Suffering from a nasty cold virus for 4 weeks, lack of sleep, hospital, ambulance (again) and doctor trips, dealing with the tribulations of a toddler on the war path and trying to organise 2 birthday events for child 2 & 3 and a black tie event to raise money for child 1's Borneo trip has wiped me out. It's amazing how a little negativity each day can affect the whole day, I read somewhere recently that if we looked at our day as a piece of white paper the things that go wrong are in reality just a couple of dots - I need to reclaim me or I am going to just disappear into the black swamp that is currently my life. All those adopters on Twitter and those who link in on The Adoption Social have handed me the lifeline to pull myself out and to encourage me to make the changes so very necessary to my sanity.

http://theadoptionsocial.com

So I have shared the negative and the positive of family and friends support via #allchildrendothat and I am planning stuff for me. Child 2 made dinner in his food tech class today, I am off to see Mary Berry care of a friend who saw that I needed some away time. Chinese New Year is just around the corner so I have a feast to create. For my birthday we are going to arrange a city break for adults only,  Mr L, myself , KBS & AS and Mr & Mrs H. Then there is a Sunday morning family and friends walk to a pub in the next village for the bestest ever roast beef and Yorkshire puddings. That will take us through until May, oh and if I am feeling a bit lost or low a Gin and Tonic Board meeting may be called.

 There feeling better already.

Hopes and Dreams

Expectation - "A strong belief that something will happen or be the case"

An interesting word expectation, a word often used by parents, educators and members of the community. Our children are expected to behave in a certain way, they are expected to achieve certain grades they are expected to be respectful, helpful and polite and sadly if they are adopted or fostered they are often expected to be grateful or feel lucky. I had never really thought about my expectations or rather the effect those expectations had on others until I had children. I remember saying once that I believed that my children behaved in a certain way because I expected them too. And there is definitely truth in that however this adoption road has made me re think our futures and for the good.

Ten years ago when I was informed that child 1 was going to remain in the reception class, whilst all her friends moved on into class 1, I wasn't necessarily surprised and actually believed the opportunity for her to have another year in a very play led environment would be a benefit, however many others would/did see this as detrimental to her education, in fact many people's expectations of her academic abilities were based on this and this was so damaging during late primary school and early secondary school. (I can't tell you how wrong they were, she is growing into a beautiful, creative, confident and happy teenager.)

With child 4 I fear that people have flawed expectations and he doesn't have the same foundations that child 1 has to ensure that he can have the same confidence in himself.  In the adoption world we talk of trauma and attachment and the behaviours they trigger, in education it seems that lack of education in the needs of children in care that our children are at worst expected to fail or when their behaviours are not the same as the other children in the class they are isolated or their early years are carefully managed and hidden away like its a dirty secret, they are expected to quietly get on with it - "it doesn't matter if you don't have a photo of you as a baby." Then there are those who expect our children to be happy because they are lucky to have found a family to look after them and love them.

I want to shout from the roof tops "Forget expectations, how can we know how our children feel if we don't ask them, let them try the things they want to try and if they don't succeed so what, help them up and find something new! After all they have to live their own lives not one shaped by the expectations of their parents".

                                                                        Over the last two years I have moved away from expectations and into the world of hopes and dreams.  I hope all my children do the best they can in school and I will help them in anyway I can, I hope they make the right kind of friends, people who like them and respect them and I can help here too by keeping an open house environment, the kids you don't want your children to hang out with will hopefully stay away. I hope that child 4 feels loved and secure enough to talk about how he feels to come to us when things go wrong. I hope that they have the courage to follow their dreams and I will walk with them until they don't need me too.   

 I don't expect any of them to be grateful for having a loving and happy home as they are what makes our house a home but I do hope that they remember growing up here with happy memories and I dream of the day when they and their families come to visit.

                                             

A walk through 2014.

So 2014 nears its end and we ready ourselves for 2015. I've never really been one for New Years resolutions as I have never been able to keep them. I find that to be able to make a change in my life it has to be because I really want the change to happen. I gave up smoking when I fell pregnant with child 1 one April, I lost 2 stone in the 8 months leading up to a holiday with family and friends in Spain, I was determined to wear a bikini and not be mortified and I have attempted to make time for me since we knew that child 4 was an his way.

So today I have been thinking back over the last 12 months, smiling over the good times, thinking about how I could have handled the not so good and wondering what 2015 will bring. We have had lots of family gatherings, the usual celebrations of New Year, Easter and Christmas, there have been adoption orders, baptisms, First Holy Communions, Confirmations, 18th birthday parties, GCSE and AS results, acceptances to Uni and college. I have photos of trips to the beach, the zoo and the farm, days full of sunshine and picnics, rain and muddy puddles and cold winter walks followed by hot chocolate, topped with squirty cream and marshmallows. As well as child 4 moving from a cot to a bed, him coming to me crying when he hurt himself rather than just getting on with it and he now sometimes cuddles his doggy when he goes to bed. On the alternate side we have dealt with those who haven't understood our need to adopt or the fact that once child 4 moved in he became one of us, which of course has meant that some of our celebrations have been marred by disgruntled and intolerant behaviour, child 4 himself exhibits some aggressive and angry behaviour and we have asked the SenCo to come in and support at nursery, child 2 has struggled in school over the last 4 months but is coming out the other side now.  Over all though I would say the good far outweighs the bad. We have so far dealt with everything life, family and school have thrown at us and I think we are all the better and stronger for it. As a family unit we have become stronger, more loving and more tolerant. We are learning to leave behind baggage that weighs us down yet share the load of the stuff that is important to take on our journey, sometimes we have to unpack and repack, folding and sorting the important stuff in a different way to ensure that we can still carry it, sometimes we unpack, re-fold, re-sort and repack many times before we can move forward, often one step forward and two steps back.
                                     

I know we need to rethink some of our parenting Sally Donovan would say "the inner parent" and I agree with that sentiment, we need to remain strong, sticking to the path we traverse when facing those who just don't understand the need for therapeutic parenting, attempting to re-educate them where possible or by passing them when they are unable to be open minded but at the same time we have to willing to take an alternate fork, which usually looks like it has been much less travelled, forging a new way, stumbling over obstacles, no doubt occasionally getting whipped in the face by the overhanging brambles that we didn't see because we were watching our footing and not what was right in front of us.

Would any of us change anything? I think not.  So 2015 bring it on, we are hopefully ready for you and whatever you may bring and if we aren't so ready we will adapt.

A response to those that don't want to understand

As the year comes to a close I have been thinking about all that has happened, much of it has been amazing but occasionally there have been very difficult times and interestingly they haven't been caused by the children. So before I share my final thoughts to 2014 I wanted to share this.

Since we started our adoption journey we have come across those that just don't want to understand why we chose to adopt our fourth child. Fortunately there are not very many of these people yet I have found that they are very vocal and often angry or derogatory about our decision! As if they think that they have to prevent us from making a terrible mistake and that this gives them the right to vent their opinions as they see fit often without any thought as to how their words and actions affect us. So here is my response.

Dear Reader,

In response to your question "why would you want to do that?"

I don't really know, all I know is that we are not done yet, we have space for one more. Please trust us when we say that we know what we are doing. We have been on training after training courses, we have read all manner of books and research and we have had fortnightly one on one sessions with a professional, some one who is trained to check that we are ready and suitable to adopt a child.

We know that we already have three children and they are well rounded and happy, we know that we are asking a lot of them, to take on a sibling that comes from somewhere alien to their background. We have spoken to them, answered the questions they have asked and made sure that they have been in an environment where they are comfortable to discuss their concerns.

We do not take this journey lightly, we have learnt all about the worst case scenarios and know where to go should we need support, knowing that the support for post adoption is under staffed and lacking in finance. We know that there "will be trouble ahead" but we also know that we can handle it and do you know why? No? Well we do, we can handle it because we love him. We love our child 4 despite/in spite of his anger, his throwing and the disturbed nights, we love the cuddles, the laughter, tickles, story time, walks with the dog. We love the baking, dinner times and bath times. We love a house full of noise and chaos it makes us feel alive, part of a family, part of something really special.

You may not understand it or even worry about what we are doing and that is absolutely fine, all we ask is that you accept that we are capable of making our own decisions and we are very aware that we have to live with the consequences of those decisions. Bad advice is bad advice, negative comments are negative comments and constant questioning of our decision is not supportive and a waste of time and energy. It is your fears, your ignorance that make you so angry and frustrated with our choice. We have made our decision and because of it we may be exhausted and at times frustrated yet we are stronger, happier and more fulfilled than we ever were before. Would we change anything? NO NO NO! Why not? Because we fell in love and the changes we make to our lives are fine. Do you want to know why? Because we love him!!

Maybe we are a little mad, not very intelligent, selfish or foolish or maybe we are brave, good people or special, I don't really know and actually I don't really care all I know is that by opening our hearts, our arms and family to our little boy has given us back ten fold what ever we have put in. If you cannot see that or if you don't want to be part of it then sadly you are the ones missing out.

There may be trouble ahead,

But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance,

Let's face the music and dance.

Medical history

1.45 am Boxing Day morning I call NHS Direct, child 4 is struggling to breathe. After answering the chap at the end of the lines questions, he asks me to hold the phone over child 4's face so that he can hear him. Then he tells me that he has called an ambulance and I need to put on all the lights at the front of the house so that they can see us easily. The paramedics arrive and check him over,  his blood sugars are ok, his temperature is fine (probably because of the calpol we gave him 2 hours ago) but his oxygen stats aren't good, so off they go with Mr L to the hospital - oxygen masks and blue flashing lights I am told later, they waited until they got to the bottom of the road so that I didn't panic as I was left home at 3am with child 1,2 & 3 to wait. 

Our problem as with many other adopted children is lack of medical information. Many adopters will have the red books that are given to children when they are born but that just gives known information, weight at birth, which immunisations they have had etc, it doesn't say that they've had chicken pox or that they are susceptible to chest infections. With the older three, I know their past, I've lived it with them. I know child 1 suffers with her throat, child 2 when little had a nasty chest infection and for years would always have croup when he caught a cold. Child 3 is rarely poorly, so if she has a temperature it means something nasty is on its way, her Achilles heel is stomach cramps caused be stress. But with child 4 I just don't know what to expect, despite him being with us for over a year we still haven't experienced enough to be sure of what effects him and so in the last 6 weeks we have had an ambulance take him to hospital twice. Firstly, he fitted, just febrile Convulsions but having never experienced them I have to say that they terrified me and now a severe chest infection that affected his breathing. Both times he has bounced back although this time it's a slow process and the giving of medication takes 3 of us. Yes I have tried all matters of bribery!!!! Of course even if we had had him from birth these events would have potentially still occurred but I think that we would have picked up early on the need to calpol to reduce or prevent the temperature quicker if we knew that when he was ill his temperature would spike, thus hopefully preventing the fits in the first place.

What we have learned over the last few weeks is to carry the calpol sachets around with us, in case of a high temperature and now we will watch his breathing like a hawk just in case he has a pre disposition to asthma. Never a dull moment here.