The following represents a list of general principles that are characteristic of Dan Hughes'treatment and parenting model.
Touch, eye contact, soft voices need to be used to communicate safety, acceptance, curiosity, play and empathy. We must let our children to become used to us. Our speaker told us a story of how a toddler would just scream if he didn't want to do something and he would scream until his foster carer moved away. It was decided that this could not continue, so the carer purchased some earplugs and when her toddler started to scream she sat as close as she could without him entering a complete melt down, as he calmed she would move a little closer until eventually she was sitting next to him and he fell asleep, completely exhausted in her arms. They continued this for days but it eventually worked. He realised that he was safe and could accept being held. Play, laugh have fun. No matter what happens play as much as you can. Play and laughter is a global way to teach safety. Think about how we teach our toddlers. Whilst playing building bricks your little one picks up a brick and throws it. We tell them not to do it and carry on playing. This is consequence followed by an immediate repair. The toddler may be upset to be admonished but we will coo "it's ok, don't throw the bricks, let's build a big tower" this is what all children in care need regardless of their age. If your adopted/foster child kicks off don't ban the football treat with Dad later. On the way back from the football excursion dad has the perfect opportunity to talk about what happened and help your child say sorry. Ensure our children succeed. If they can't make it around the supermarket without a tantrum in the biscuit aisle, try internet shopping for a while. Then agree to go shopping together but just try one aisle, if everything is going ok try another. At the first sign of trouble pay and leave. Be sure to say well done for managing however many aisles. Communicate the whole time. Build on your successes. Our children have got to learn how to behave, they need to grow up being able to live in the real world. Remember these children behave the way they do because they don't feel safe, they are full of rage that they don't understand and can't control. Accept that these are symptoms of their history and help them to understand that too. That way they can learn to deal with how they feel and the behaviours will improve and stop. For example if a child can't cope with saying goodbye, because it reminds them of past pain, grief and loss. Pre-empt it. "I know it's really hard to say goodbye and leave but I will help you with it. Shall I say goodbye for you?" Often adopted children don't think that they need to be parented, after all adults have always let them down before. Use sentences like "I wonder why" be curious. "Ah I understand you don't like it when I, because" be empathetic. Be positive, find something to be positive about, especially the little steps because they lead to giant leaps. "Well done for not lashing out at your brother, I am really glad that you didn't hit him" If we are calm, our children learn calm. Even if we lose our tempers and get angry, that's fine so long as we return to calm relatively quickly. If our children see that anger is acceptable in some situations but it never spirals out of control they can learn to be the same Talk about your child's history, they need to make sense of it. They need to understand the reality of their history to make sense of how they feel. This will lead to positive acceptance and a desire to move forward rather then an excuse for inappropriate behaviour. "I have ADHD or I am a problem child so that's why I do what I do." Is not acceptable. "You struggle because of your ADHD so we will need to help more with ways of being able to deal with situations that you find difficult." Our children ARE doing the best they can, it's our role to help them move forward. It is their history that is the problem not them Traumatised children will try to control their environment because that is the way to survive these behaviours decrease as they feel safe. To feel safe they need patience, love, empathy and acceptance. Not anger, frustration or withdrawal of affection. Try not to shout or be drawn into a power struggle you will not win. Our adopted children have already been rejected enough, so the naughty step or being sent to their room isn't going to help either. |
Consequences need to match the behaviour. If a child kicks the dog banning the TV or rugby practice isn't going to work. Helping to bath the dog, walk the dog and feed the dog is a much better way to teach respect for animals.  |
Sunday, 8 June 2014
Play, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy
Friday, 6 June 2014
Parenting the reality part one
Whilst doing my conscious parenting course we have been looking at traumatised children and what their trauma can look like. Did you know that adrenalin and cortisol is passed through the placenta, so if a pregnant woman is subjected to domestic violence her unborn baby CAN feel her fear and at the later stages of pregnancy the baby will hear raised voices and potentially be injured if the mother is attacked. Imagine a childhood where no one really talks to you, where none of your basic needs are taken care of. You are rarely picked up or coo'd over, your nappy is not changed, you are not fed on a regular basis. You live in a chaotic household, full of angry noise, smoke and strangers. We can't really because it is so far away from the childhood we or our children experience.
As a child you love your parents, that's an in built survival factor and if they cannot parent you, you recognise that something is not right but can't verbalise or understand it. When that parent tells you to "shut up, go away, you are rubbish, useless, pathetic, ugly" you believe it, that is all you have ever known. So when you are taken away from this you will feel the loss and quite probably blame yourself for it. "If I had been good" none of this would happen. These children are not how we view children, how can they be. They don't understand or have any comprehension as to what loving families are like because they have never experienced a relationship with an adult where they have been loved unconditionally. They truly believe that if something goes wrong that they could "die" can you imagine life like that. No I expect not, but just try to put yourself there in their shoes, it will change your view on children in care forever. And just keep as a thought, those children grow up into adults, adults that fill our youth offender buildings and prisons, young adults that sleep out on the streets and young single mothers looking for someone to love them unconditionally. Scary, distressing, terrible!!!!
How can we help, well that's where foster care and adoption come in. Adoption is our choice we chose child 4 and brought him into our family network. With the support from courses like conscious parenting and the therapeutic parenting we can help child 4 to feel safe, loved and nurtured. I tell him daily that he is here forever, he is safe and that we love him. Today for the first time he really showed reciprocation and understanding. " my mummy, I am your baby, I luf you" if we as a family can help him overcome that fear of being moved on, make him feel completely safe and secure then he can explore his surroundings, learn in pre school and then school. He can look forward not stay static or reliving his past and the fears he may have. Everyone has a part to play, there will be children who have been adopted, who are being fostered or who are being abused in very school, playground and every community. They need our help support and unconditional love. We have to change how we interact with them. You honestly cannot spoil a child who has come out of the care system. So if child 4 wakes in the night and wants to sleep with us he can,if he wishes to keep a bottle he can, if he wants a cuddle I give him a cuddle. This doesn't mean that I don't say no or that I allow him sweets when ever he wants of course not. But if he asks for any physical or emotional contact he gets it, when he wants it. He needs and deserves the very best that we have to give.
As a child you love your parents, that's an in built survival factor and if they cannot parent you, you recognise that something is not right but can't verbalise or understand it. When that parent tells you to "shut up, go away, you are rubbish, useless, pathetic, ugly" you believe it, that is all you have ever known. So when you are taken away from this you will feel the loss and quite probably blame yourself for it. "If I had been good" none of this would happen. These children are not how we view children, how can they be. They don't understand or have any comprehension as to what loving families are like because they have never experienced a relationship with an adult where they have been loved unconditionally. They truly believe that if something goes wrong that they could "die" can you imagine life like that. No I expect not, but just try to put yourself there in their shoes, it will change your view on children in care forever. And just keep as a thought, those children grow up into adults, adults that fill our youth offender buildings and prisons, young adults that sleep out on the streets and young single mothers looking for someone to love them unconditionally. Scary, distressing, terrible!!!!
How can we help, well that's where foster care and adoption come in. Adoption is our choice we chose child 4 and brought him into our family network. With the support from courses like conscious parenting and the therapeutic parenting we can help child 4 to feel safe, loved and nurtured. I tell him daily that he is here forever, he is safe and that we love him. Today for the first time he really showed reciprocation and understanding. " my mummy, I am your baby, I luf you" if we as a family can help him overcome that fear of being moved on, make him feel completely safe and secure then he can explore his surroundings, learn in pre school and then school. He can look forward not stay static or reliving his past and the fears he may have. Everyone has a part to play, there will be children who have been adopted, who are being fostered or who are being abused in very school, playground and every community. They need our help support and unconditional love. We have to change how we interact with them. You honestly cannot spoil a child who has come out of the care system. So if child 4 wakes in the night and wants to sleep with us he can,if he wishes to keep a bottle he can, if he wants a cuddle I give him a cuddle. This doesn't mean that I don't say no or that I allow him sweets when ever he wants of course not. But if he asks for any physical or emotional contact he gets it, when he wants it. He needs and deserves the very best that we have to give.
Tuesday, 3 June 2014
The possible reality of adoption
We have to accept that all children who have been taken into care will have been traumatised, how this trauma manifests itself will depend on the child, some will be more resilient than others and make a good or amazing recovery, others may never recover.
As a parent of an adopted child, accepting that this trauma exists is the first step, we tend to view physical abuses as easier to deal with because I think we can see them, name them and if we are brave enough talk about them, it's the silent neglect that is much more insidious and so much harder for us to be able to understand. If I look at my family, friends and community we are all people who have been raised by parents that love us and want the best for us, that parenting may not necessarily been the best parenting but it would have been good enough and that in turn means that we have not been raised to raise traumatised children we have been raised to raise children like the children we were.
At birth, a newborn does not yet have strong connections to another human, they will recognise their mother by her smell and her voice but will not have emotionally attached themselves to her. An American study showed that colicky babies fed sugar water during the first four weeks of life tended to settle down however after that initial four week period the sugar water had no effect unless there was also eye contact with their mother. Another study shared by Steven Biddulph in his book "How to Raise Happy Children" tells the story of orphaned babies in Europe following the Second World War, the study by a Swiss doctor comparedchildren left with rural families, who were living in overcrowded, noisy homes were much more likely to survive than those who were looked after in the then modern and clinical hospitals. Why? Because babies need human contact, they needed to be talked too, carried around on someone's hip just given lots of human contact. Babies require constant attention from another human being to survive and for that to teach the brain how develop healthily it has to be positive contact.
The brain is an amazing part of the human body, recent studies have found that it is the pre frontal cortex that is the part that is affected by parenting and if this not "good" parenting the resulting effects can if left unchecked be destructive for that child. At the moment we only understand about 13% of the brain and 80% of that has only been understood over the last 20 years!! Historically we have based our child rearing around behaviour, what it is that a child does, with children in care we need to rethink, it is not the behaviour that is so important but why the child behaves in a particular way and then because we are the adults we have to be the ones that change our behaviour to help these children change theirs.
With my older children I would have like most people used cause, effect and consequence to teach them the right way to behave. This will not work with many traumatised children. They have never learnt to trust adults, they don't know what it is like to be safe and cared for by an adult and they will blame themselves for what ever abuse they suffered. Consequences are unlikely to have any effect on these damaged children, because the worst has already happened. Their loss is likely to be devastating. If you have lost a parent or suffered a trauma you will still have the time before that loss or trauma to help you recover, you will have a memory of what life was before the trauma happened. Children in care don't have this memory all they may have known is loneliness, fear and pain. How do we help children overcome this without them understanding what life should be like?
http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/attachment.htm
As a parent of an adopted child, accepting that this trauma exists is the first step, we tend to view physical abuses as easier to deal with because I think we can see them, name them and if we are brave enough talk about them, it's the silent neglect that is much more insidious and so much harder for us to be able to understand. If I look at my family, friends and community we are all people who have been raised by parents that love us and want the best for us, that parenting may not necessarily been the best parenting but it would have been good enough and that in turn means that we have not been raised to raise traumatised children we have been raised to raise children like the children we were.
At birth, a newborn does not yet have strong connections to another human, they will recognise their mother by her smell and her voice but will not have emotionally attached themselves to her. An American study showed that colicky babies fed sugar water during the first four weeks of life tended to settle down however after that initial four week period the sugar water had no effect unless there was also eye contact with their mother. Another study shared by Steven Biddulph in his book "How to Raise Happy Children" tells the story of orphaned babies in Europe following the Second World War, the study by a Swiss doctor comparedchildren left with rural families, who were living in overcrowded, noisy homes were much more likely to survive than those who were looked after in the then modern and clinical hospitals. Why? Because babies need human contact, they needed to be talked too, carried around on someone's hip just given lots of human contact. Babies require constant attention from another human being to survive and for that to teach the brain how develop healthily it has to be positive contact.
The brain is an amazing part of the human body, recent studies have found that it is the pre frontal cortex that is the part that is affected by parenting and if this not "good" parenting the resulting effects can if left unchecked be destructive for that child. At the moment we only understand about 13% of the brain and 80% of that has only been understood over the last 20 years!! Historically we have based our child rearing around behaviour, what it is that a child does, with children in care we need to rethink, it is not the behaviour that is so important but why the child behaves in a particular way and then because we are the adults we have to be the ones that change our behaviour to help these children change theirs.
With my older children I would have like most people used cause, effect and consequence to teach them the right way to behave. This will not work with many traumatised children. They have never learnt to trust adults, they don't know what it is like to be safe and cared for by an adult and they will blame themselves for what ever abuse they suffered. Consequences are unlikely to have any effect on these damaged children, because the worst has already happened. Their loss is likely to be devastating. If you have lost a parent or suffered a trauma you will still have the time before that loss or trauma to help you recover, you will have a memory of what life was before the trauma happened. Children in care don't have this memory all they may have known is loneliness, fear and pain. How do we help children overcome this without them understanding what life should be like?
http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/attachment.htm
Sunday, 1 June 2014
What is perception?
Perception is everything I realised today. On our way home from mass child 2 said that child 4 had been really really good today. I looked at him in complete amazement and was astonished that he actually meant it.
From my perspective I had thought he had been a nightmare. My story was lifting and seat belting child 4 into his car seat whilst he fought me, then the walk from the car park to the church, where he refuses to hold my hand but I have to keep him close because he obviously has no road sense. Once we get into church, there is no possible chance that child 4 will sit quietly for an hour and of course I would not expect him too but I tend to spend the whole hour up and down and in and out chasing my "errant" child, attempting yet failing to encourage him to sit with a sticker or colouring activity. I have always assumed that because I am running around after him and dealing with his tantrums everyone else looks on judging my parenting and wondering how this little boy will grow up.
In fact, I realised today that I am the only one judging my parenting asking if I am enough, do I give enough and will that be enough for him to grow into the man he has the potential to be.
Foolish lady that I am. I may not be enough but I give everything I have and that will be enough. Child 4 is an active, ok very active two year old but there is not a malicious bone in his body. I should perhaps forget or accept that I have to run around after this little gorgeous bundle of energy, the way he learns is by experience which means that of course I have to keep him safe - he has to hold my hand when we walk along the road, I have to lift him off the book shelves when I catch him trying to scale them and I have to ensure that he stays safely strapped into his car seat. All this and more can be exhausting for me but perhaps instead of worrying, I should take more heed of those who are not so exhausted. My good friend KBS who laughs when I tell her the latest child 4 endeavour and tells me that he is just like a male version of child 3, when my parents smile at his latest adventure but remind me of how he loves a cuddle. The old dears in church who always tell me what a grand job I am doing and wasn't he good and he is quieting down and is learning how to behave when at mass. They honestly seem to love him being there even if he behaves like an active two year old behaves. My family and friends say that he is so very settled and that he is growing up into a lovely little boy, we as a family are doing an amazing job with him, he has only been with us 9 months, that is not even a third of his life!
I need to take a step back and instead of looking at the bits that I am currently struggling with, I should really look at what has changed. I am his mummy, "my mummy" he shouts especially if one of his older siblings is having a cuddle with me and then he flies over worming his way in between us. The older ones think that it's hysterical so will purposely cuddle me saying very loudly "my mummy" and watch for his reaction. He does sometimes do what I tell him the first time now, he sits for 3 books at bedtime and pushes for again if it means a few more minutes sitting up with us all. He eats more fruit and a much more varied diet than just cheese. His speech is fantastic and he loves making things, bubble mixture and playdough are favourites. He comes to find me to kiss his hurts better and he asks me to sing his bedtime cuddle song. He can sit at the table for his meals and says please, thank you and sorry. And even when he pushes the boundaries he knows that he is loved, safe and secure. Well based on that we are doing a pretty good job and hopefully my conscious parenting course tomorrow will support all that we are already achieving.
From my perspective I had thought he had been a nightmare. My story was lifting and seat belting child 4 into his car seat whilst he fought me, then the walk from the car park to the church, where he refuses to hold my hand but I have to keep him close because he obviously has no road sense. Once we get into church, there is no possible chance that child 4 will sit quietly for an hour and of course I would not expect him too but I tend to spend the whole hour up and down and in and out chasing my "errant" child, attempting yet failing to encourage him to sit with a sticker or colouring activity. I have always assumed that because I am running around after him and dealing with his tantrums everyone else looks on judging my parenting and wondering how this little boy will grow up.
In fact, I realised today that I am the only one judging my parenting asking if I am enough, do I give enough and will that be enough for him to grow into the man he has the potential to be.
Foolish lady that I am. I may not be enough but I give everything I have and that will be enough. Child 4 is an active, ok very active two year old but there is not a malicious bone in his body. I should perhaps forget or accept that I have to run around after this little gorgeous bundle of energy, the way he learns is by experience which means that of course I have to keep him safe - he has to hold my hand when we walk along the road, I have to lift him off the book shelves when I catch him trying to scale them and I have to ensure that he stays safely strapped into his car seat. All this and more can be exhausting for me but perhaps instead of worrying, I should take more heed of those who are not so exhausted. My good friend KBS who laughs when I tell her the latest child 4 endeavour and tells me that he is just like a male version of child 3, when my parents smile at his latest adventure but remind me of how he loves a cuddle. The old dears in church who always tell me what a grand job I am doing and wasn't he good and he is quieting down and is learning how to behave when at mass. They honestly seem to love him being there even if he behaves like an active two year old behaves. My family and friends say that he is so very settled and that he is growing up into a lovely little boy, we as a family are doing an amazing job with him, he has only been with us 9 months, that is not even a third of his life!
I need to take a step back and instead of looking at the bits that I am currently struggling with, I should really look at what has changed. I am his mummy, "my mummy" he shouts especially if one of his older siblings is having a cuddle with me and then he flies over worming his way in between us. The older ones think that it's hysterical so will purposely cuddle me saying very loudly "my mummy" and watch for his reaction. He does sometimes do what I tell him the first time now, he sits for 3 books at bedtime and pushes for again if it means a few more minutes sitting up with us all. He eats more fruit and a much more varied diet than just cheese. His speech is fantastic and he loves making things, bubble mixture and playdough are favourites. He comes to find me to kiss his hurts better and he asks me to sing his bedtime cuddle song. He can sit at the table for his meals and says please, thank you and sorry. And even when he pushes the boundaries he knows that he is loved, safe and secure. Well based on that we are doing a pretty good job and hopefully my conscious parenting course tomorrow will support all that we are already achieving.
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Footsteps to calm and serenity
Many mums will be juggling lots of balls constantly and sometimes it just takes a slight change of weight with one of those balls and we end up dropping them all. This happened to me at the beginning of the month and despite picking up the balls, I have not been able to get my rhythm back, so I inevitably keep dropping them. Of course if all I kept dropping were juggling balls or beanbags it wouldn't really matter but it's not its housework, organisation, patience, children's routines, nurse, teacher, taxi driver, confidant, support worker and numerous others so when all those hit the floor and despite being picked up keep falling down the whole of our family life and beyond is affected.
This weekend I decided that enough was enough, time for me to take back control, but how. I have friends that have learnt about cognitive behaviour therapy and through this, if somewhat American self help course that I have been doing, I understand the need to find a way out of a negative mindset by actually doing something, perhaps doing something different following another path. We did a fun activity a couple of weeks ago with our ecourse that was to make a calm map, this map would direct us from a difficult time to find a place of calm and stillness.
The map legend was to list all those things that help to make me feel better - a cup of tea, a walk along the beach, a roaring fire, a good book and laughter with family and friends. Ok then, my sister was down this weekend and the sun shone on Sunday so a family trip to the beach was my choice of soul soothing. Sea air, picnics and people you love are truly good for the soul, I returned home feeling exhausted, windswept, with a full belly and aching legs but I was back in a place where I could count my blessings and not feel the weight of my burdens.
I am so blessed to have a husband that trusted me enough to make that first step on our adoption journey, 3 amazing children who have followed us along this road of adoption and one who joined us along the way with a song in their hearts and a skip in their step. A family that have supported me every step of the way and still provide all the love and support I could ever ask for. Friends who laugh with me and provide me with rationality, emotional support and wine when I need it. We live in an idyllic rural environment where our children can flourish and grow surrounded by green fields, woods and fresh air, the community provides nurture and support and life is good, really good. These are the things I must remember and focus on when other stuff threatens to stifle me. The other stuff does need my time and it's needs to be given the focus that it requires but it only needs that, it does not need all my focus, it does not deserve a focus that interferes with my family, my sleep or my enjoyment. This does not mean to say that some issues do filter in, I just need to recognise the signs and pull myself out of my doldrums to follow my map legend to a better and happier me.
This weekend I decided that enough was enough, time for me to take back control, but how. I have friends that have learnt about cognitive behaviour therapy and through this, if somewhat American self help course that I have been doing, I understand the need to find a way out of a negative mindset by actually doing something, perhaps doing something different following another path. We did a fun activity a couple of weeks ago with our ecourse that was to make a calm map, this map would direct us from a difficult time to find a place of calm and stillness.
Sunday, 25 May 2014
Number 5 skim a stone
Yes I know the weather forecast said rain with maybe some sunny spells but my sister was down with her youngest son so off we headed to the beach with raincoats or as Enid Blyton would have no doubt said sou'westers and wellies, picnics of sardine and chilli sandwiches (our favourite) or for the littler ones sausage sandwiches, crisps, chocolate covered flapjacks and Nanna best chocolate cake and of course flasks for tea and coffee.
Today's adventure was full of stone throwing, how far could we throw, and skimming them across the freshwater pool that sits at the top of the beach. Child 4's throwing is pretty spectacular but he had yet to understand the nuance of skimming a stone across the top of a calm pool, all the other children skimmed to their hearts content trying to outdo each other with the number of stone to water touches they could achieve before gravity won, taking the smooth flat stones into the watery depths of the pool. From there we headed off on our usual walk looking for crabs and fossils but today's exciting find was russet red anemones their tentacles waving in the warm waters of the rock pools until we tried to touch them and the tentacles disappear. We spotted loads of them hiding out under rocky overhangs in the rock pools as we scrambled and explored our way to the metal steps that take us up to the cliff top.
My sister chatted about how none of us ever seem to bore of this beach, when the children are tiny they are happy to just potter along, learning the art of rock hopping, pool splashing, mud slurping and rock and shell collecting, then at primary age KS1 they love exploring the pools finding sea creatures of the weird and wonderful, stepping on the seaweed air pockets making them pop and hunting for fossils, this spills into brave forays up the cliff sides and down to the sea, navigating the slippery green seaweed and sticky mud flats as they bloom into KS2. Then they race across the rocks tempting each other to more dangerous endeavours, wider pools to jump, higher rocks to climb and they build rock cities and damns. The older teenagers still seem to enjoy the clam outing over the rocks, looking for the best way to make our way along the coast but they wander, somewhat aimlessly chatting and catching up with a camaraderie full of teasing laughter that makes us parents and grandparents smile.
All in all I truly believe that there is magic here, a magic that makes us all slow down and enjoy the pleasures of being family.
Today's adventure was full of stone throwing, how far could we throw, and skimming them across the freshwater pool that sits at the top of the beach. Child 4's throwing is pretty spectacular but he had yet to understand the nuance of skimming a stone across the top of a calm pool, all the other children skimmed to their hearts content trying to outdo each other with the number of stone to water touches they could achieve before gravity won, taking the smooth flat stones into the watery depths of the pool. From there we headed off on our usual walk looking for crabs and fossils but today's exciting find was russet red anemones their tentacles waving in the warm waters of the rock pools until we tried to touch them and the tentacles disappear. We spotted loads of them hiding out under rocky overhangs in the rock pools as we scrambled and explored our way to the metal steps that take us up to the cliff top.
My sister chatted about how none of us ever seem to bore of this beach, when the children are tiny they are happy to just potter along, learning the art of rock hopping, pool splashing, mud slurping and rock and shell collecting, then at primary age KS1 they love exploring the pools finding sea creatures of the weird and wonderful, stepping on the seaweed air pockets making them pop and hunting for fossils, this spills into brave forays up the cliff sides and down to the sea, navigating the slippery green seaweed and sticky mud flats as they bloom into KS2. Then they race across the rocks tempting each other to more dangerous endeavours, wider pools to jump, higher rocks to climb and they build rock cities and damns. The older teenagers still seem to enjoy the clam outing over the rocks, looking for the best way to make our way along the coast but they wander, somewhat aimlessly chatting and catching up with a camaraderie full of teasing laughter that makes us parents and grandparents smile.
All in all I truly believe that there is magic here, a magic that makes us all slow down and enjoy the pleasures of being family.
A heart full of love, a heart full of grief
I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I had a telephone call from the county letterbox team. I had sent off our 6 month letter contact to the letterbox team on the 1st April and had received confirmation from them that child 4's birth parents were in receipt of our letter on the 10th but we had yet to receive a response. I filled our letter with all those little idiosyncrasies that come with a toddler of 2. How much he had grown( 2.5 cms, I even drew a little example,) his shoe size he has jumped two shoe sizes in the last 6 months, new words, nursery rhymes, favourite toys and books. Just all the little things that I thought child 4's birth parents would want too know and as they had requested we had made a beautiful picture of a yellow chicken, it's feathers were made of strips of yellow tissue paper and the red comb was child 4's handprint. Not expecting a quick reply I kind of put it to the back of my mind, but then a couple of weeks ago I began to worry that perhaps they were not going to write back, not necessarily because they couldn't be bothered but because it was too heart breaking.
The letter box team were calling because they had received a response but included in it was a poem written I presume by birth mum, a pouring out of her heart and soul, or maybe I should say her broken heart and damaged soul. The letterbox team wanted to know if we wanted them to forward on the poem or would we rather they kept it. Of course I said send everything on, I may well be upset by what I read but my pain is nothing in comparison to theirs and we will now sort child 4's memory box into a can have now box and a can have when he is older box. The poem will sit in the latter.
The letters and poem arrived in Fridays post and yes they touched my heart. Mums out pouring of grief was tangible as I read the poem but if you read it I think it would give you a little bit of an insight to who she is and possibly why her child was to all intents and purposes taken away.Child 4 has brought so so much joy to our family and our community, he is very special and what we have gained far far outweighs what we can give him, I wish that I could share all that with his birth parents but I know that they could not take care of him. When he has tantrum he is really full on and now that he is growing so big and strong, he is harder to control in the physical sense, like strapping him into his high chair or buggy for example, even just grabbing him before he runs off is getting harder because he is so quick and when he falls to the floor in the middle of the supermarket I am finding it hard to pick his squirming, fighting little body off the floor - he is very good at pulling hair and his excellent hand eye co~ordination means that when he is punching and kicking his aim is usually spot on. There is no way that his birth parents could remain calm and consistent like I "usually" can, after all he is my number 4 and we knew what we were letting ourselves in for. I like to think that most of the time I have this aura of calm and peace about me, although inside I am often cussing and counting to about 200!!
I guess the bottom line for me is that any contact no matter how mundane or how emotional is better than none at all. Child 4 will have the opportunity to read everything that is sent once he is the right age and we will be there to hold his hand, hug him tight and answer any questions he may have. His birth parents are exactly that, they made him it's their genes running around his little body, they are his history. As a family we are lucky enough to be part of that history and definitely part of his future but more importantly we are his present and we will provide him with everything that he needs.
The letter box team were calling because they had received a response but included in it was a poem written I presume by birth mum, a pouring out of her heart and soul, or maybe I should say her broken heart and damaged soul. The letterbox team wanted to know if we wanted them to forward on the poem or would we rather they kept it. Of course I said send everything on, I may well be upset by what I read but my pain is nothing in comparison to theirs and we will now sort child 4's memory box into a can have now box and a can have when he is older box. The poem will sit in the latter.
The letters and poem arrived in Fridays post and yes they touched my heart. Mums out pouring of grief was tangible as I read the poem but if you read it I think it would give you a little bit of an insight to who she is and possibly why her child was to all intents and purposes taken away.Child 4 has brought so so much joy to our family and our community, he is very special and what we have gained far far outweighs what we can give him, I wish that I could share all that with his birth parents but I know that they could not take care of him. When he has tantrum he is really full on and now that he is growing so big and strong, he is harder to control in the physical sense, like strapping him into his high chair or buggy for example, even just grabbing him before he runs off is getting harder because he is so quick and when he falls to the floor in the middle of the supermarket I am finding it hard to pick his squirming, fighting little body off the floor - he is very good at pulling hair and his excellent hand eye co~ordination means that when he is punching and kicking his aim is usually spot on. There is no way that his birth parents could remain calm and consistent like I "usually" can, after all he is my number 4 and we knew what we were letting ourselves in for. I like to think that most of the time I have this aura of calm and peace about me, although inside I am often cussing and counting to about 200!!
I guess the bottom line for me is that any contact no matter how mundane or how emotional is better than none at all. Child 4 will have the opportunity to read everything that is sent once he is the right age and we will be there to hold his hand, hug him tight and answer any questions he may have. His birth parents are exactly that, they made him it's their genes running around his little body, they are his history. As a family we are lucky enough to be part of that history and definitely part of his future but more importantly we are his present and we will provide him with everything that he needs.
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