If I could give you one gift it would be to see yourself through my eyes and then you would see how special you really are.

Friday, 6 June 2014

Parenting the reality part one

Whilst doing my conscious parenting course we have been looking at traumatised children and what their trauma can look like. Did you know that adrenalin and cortisol is passed through the placenta, so if a pregnant woman is subjected to domestic violence her unborn baby CAN feel her fear and at the later stages of pregnancy the baby will hear raised voices and potentially be injured if the mother is attacked.  Imagine a childhood where no one really talks to you, where none of your basic needs are taken care of. You are rarely picked up or coo'd over, your nappy is not changed, you are not fed on a regular basis. You live in a chaotic household, full of angry noise, smoke and strangers. We can't really because it is so far away from the childhood we or our children experience.
As a child you love your parents, that's an in built survival factor and if they cannot parent you, you recognise that something is not right but can't verbalise or understand it. When that parent tells you to "shut up, go away, you are rubbish, useless, pathetic, ugly" you believe it, that is all you have ever known. So when you are taken away from this you will feel the loss and quite probably blame yourself for it. "If I had been good" none of this would happen. These children are not how we view children, how can they be. They don't understand or have any comprehension as to what loving families are like because they have never experienced a relationship with an adult where they have been loved unconditionally. They truly believe that if something goes wrong that they could "die"  can you imagine life like that. No I expect not, but just try to put yourself there in their shoes, it will change your view on children in care forever. And just keep as a thought, those children grow up into adults, adults that fill our youth offender buildings and prisons, young adults that sleep out on the streets and young single mothers looking for someone to love them unconditionally. Scary, distressing, terrible!!!!

How can we help, well that's where foster care and adoption come in. Adoption is our choice we chose child 4 and brought him into our family network. With the support from courses like conscious parenting and the therapeutic parenting we can help child 4 to feel safe, loved and nurtured. I tell him daily that he is here forever, he is safe and that we love him. Today for the first time he really showed reciprocation and understanding. " my mummy,  I am your baby, I luf you"  if we as a family can help him overcome that fear of being moved on, make him feel completely safe and secure then he can explore his surroundings, learn in pre school and then school. He can look forward not stay static or reliving his past and the fears he may have. Everyone has a part to play, there will be children who have been adopted, who are being fostered or who are being abused in very school, playground and every community. They need our help support and unconditional love. We have to change how we interact with them. You honestly cannot spoil a child who has come out of the care system. So if child 4 wakes in the night and wants to sleep with us he can,if he wishes to keep a bottle he can, if he wants a cuddle I give him a cuddle. This doesn't mean that I don't say no or that I allow him sweets when ever he wants of course not. But if he asks for any physical or emotional contact he gets it, when he wants it. He needs and deserves the very best that we have to give.

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