We are going on a bear hunt.

For a child who did not understand the pleasure of sharing a story when he first came to us, he certainly loves it now. "More, stowy, book and again" are frequently heard words in our home. A firm favourite with child 4, was and is still a huge favourite with his older siblings "Going on a Bear Hunt" by Michael Rosen.  It is a wonderful story to share because we all know it word for word. The repetitive nature and rhythm of the words mean that we sing along night after night. The story can also be re enacted when we are out. With the weather being so wet lately has made it very easy to splash and splosh through puddles and squelch and squerch through the mud in the field down the road. We have learnt new words squish, squash, splat and sploosh.

And look its child 2, daddy with child 4 on his shoulders, child 3, child 4 and Dylan the dog. Me I must be home having an hours peace and quiet!!!!

Today it took the two of us an hour to make a 10 minute journey home after our mother and toddler group. child 4 must have explored every puddle, every mud bath, the piles of old brown leaves disintegrating along the stone walls and hedgerows. He collected sticks and used them to dig at the pools of mud waving globs of the sticky goo in the air, then laughing when they flew off the end and went splat on the path. For each step forward we must have taken at least two back. Many people walked by, many smiling at the antics of my little explorer, some stopped to chat, all saying how great it must be to be a toddler with all the time in the world to just look, prod and poke, to explore and enjoy the wonders that are literally at our feet.

Even knowing that I have washing, ironing, cleaning and dinner to make I can't help but enjoy these moments watching him learn how things work by just playing. He does not consider failure in his exploration, he is oblivious to what he is wearing or what he looks like, he is just enjoying the now. Me, I watch and I plan, how can we make swishy swishy grass? maybe we should let a corner of grass in our garden grow really, really tall. Would a bubble machine work as the swirling, whirling snowstorm,  could we build an obstacle course out of branches for the deep dark forest, so that we could stumble trip through it and what would make a narrow gloomy cave, the tippee tent stored in the attic or child 3's play house? We certainly have enough teddy bears to be the bear. A perfect idea for a late summer birthday party - even the food could have a bear theme, bear shaped sandwiches, cookies, crisps and cakes and honey filled delights. Or what about a trip to our favourite beach after a wet or stormy week, there we will find a grassy path leading us from the car park to the beach, a river leading to the sea, mud flats to carefully squelch through, woodland and briar patches on the cliff top,  and caves to explore. Hmmm what fun to be a child again.

Sheer determination

Bedtime has started to become a trial, a battle of wills in a way. For the last few days child 4 has made it quite clear that he does not want to go to bed, he tries procrastinating at story time, one more book, one last book, just one more book. Then when it finally is bedtime he says no and runs away to hide, well he runs away and covers his eyes, after all if he can't see me he must have disappeared.  Then we cuddle and sing lullabies whilst his musical caterpillar plays his tune. "Night night ****, sleep tight ****" But then he won't lie down and cuddle up with cow and Eeyore he stands holding onto the cot bars crying. According to much research adopted children shouldn't be left to cry, chances are they have been neglected in their past, left to cry until crying doesn't matter as it doesn't work, so for me as adoptive mum to leave child 4 crying is another rejection of him. However my sanity is fairly important too, so last night I kissed him goodnight, left the room, closed the door and hid in the kitchen with the kitchen timer set for 5 minutes. A very long 5 minutes later I slowly opened the door, to ..............silence. Whew, he had fallen asleep, the relief, was short lived. "Mum" child 2 called from the living room "who got child 4 up?"  Child 4 had decided that it categorically was not his bedtime, so he climbed out of his cot, opened his bedroom door walked down the hall opened the stairgate, closed it and went into the living room and sat on the sofa to watch TV. When I walked in he just looked at me as if to say "what"
He climbed out of his cot three times that night, until dad sat outside his door. Tonight was my turn he finally dropped off to sleep with fewer tears knowing I was just outside the door and didn't try to make an escape.

At the weekend we will move him into a bed! My baby is growing up and he is going to be very determined young man. We just need to ensure that all that determination is channelled onto good, exciting paths.

Self projecting pressure

On Friday I received a letter from my boss at work, just a gentle reminder that I had agreed to pop in to do what work call "keep in touch days" and could I call in before Tuesday to set some possible dates. I am very, very aware that the team are missing me, although one of the team has stepped upto my position whilest I've been off, no one has covered her job and with all companies working their staff to capacity during these difficult economic times, everyone at work already works really, really hard. Also I know from experience that taking time out of my job makes it really hard to pick up where I left, on my return. I took a year maternity leave after having child 3 and on my return so much had changed. Working 2 days a week makes it really hard to learn the new procedures and computer systems after all I have to work 5 weeks for me to have worked two 35 hour weeks.

I have kept work up to date with what is happening, my last contact was that I had a nursery place sorted for child 4 as of January and that once he was settled I could come in. I have always planned to return March time. Of course I don't know how he will settle, will he settle into a new routine with new people with ease or will he become clinging and worried. How will I handle having to leave him.

I am also very aware that social services would firstly prefer for me to take a year off work as adoption leave, but as I can only claim 6 months statutory adoption leave, financially taking a year is not really possible. They would also prefer for me to remain at home with child 4 for as long as possible, I don't think they really want him to start attending nursery yet, although family and child services have offered child 4 a free nursery place for upto 15 hours a week as he is still technically a looked after child.

So here I am feeling like I am stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, that I think is something many working mums have to live with, I often feel that whatever my choices are, someone is affected or suffers, so how do we choose? Returning to work too early could place child 4 at an emotional disadvantage but not returning to work in the next couple of months could potentially effect my "career" or my standing with my team, do they feel abandoned or left carrying my job whilst I am off?

What about ME, where do I fit in to this emotional turmoil? I could say that I am entitled to take a year out of work if that's what I want and if that's what is best for my family but returning in September will definitely be financially damaging to our family and a year out could be detrimental to my sanity, it's hard work looking after a two year old and it's hard learning new systems. Then there is the emotional side, how do I really feel about placing child 4 into nursery it's only 9am to 3pm two days a week, we've set it so that my husband can drop him in and pick him up so it's not like he will be left all day.

Am I in reality projecting all my concerns on to my work colleagues and my family. I am viewing myself as I may view others in a similar situation. What do I know, I know that work is important to me, I need something other than family life but I also know that I want to give my children the best possible start in life.

If someone asked me all these questions what would my answer be? Life is made up of hard and scary decisions, if child 4 doesn't settle into nursery life I may need to rethink but if he isn't given the opportunity to attend I won't know the answer.  So I guess I'll introduce him in the next couple of weeks and we will see what will be

An end, a beginning or?,

I have never really viewed New Year's Eve as the end or a new beginning, tonight as I write I know it's definitely not the end of a chapter or the beginning of one rather the continuation of a story and what a story.

Our social worker visited today and on leaving said that she had absolutely no concerns, child 4 has settled in with the family as if he has always been here. And I whole heartedly agree he is number 4 our youngest son and the baby brother. A dream fulfilled for me, a way of life altered, a family transformed and 99% for the better. I have watched my birth children's capacity for love overflow, I have seen how family members accept with truth and sincerity a new addition, without any prejudice and I have observed how a whole community have just been there, offering words of support or just a smile or a hand on my shoulder when managing 4 children is becoming a feat of extreme patience.


I will of course promise myself that this year I'll look after my vegetable patch better, will clean the house more often, be much more patient with the children and of course eat less chocolate but those could be weekly or even daily resolutions. Instead, I should just follow my dreams and ensure that all my children have the confidence to do the same.

2013 brought us child 4, child 3 became a junior, child 1 started her GCSE years. Child 1 has taken part in speech and drama exams and competitions achieving distinctions and a second place, child 2 is beginning to grow into a young adult and child 3 came second in her gymnastics competition. 2014  will be bringing the finalization, fingers, toes and eyes crossed of the adoption and child 4 will carry our surname, he will legally be ours, child 2 will be entering his teens , child 3 has her First  Holy Communion and we will be have been married for 16 years.

Just think if we hadn't taken that chance on marriage, hadn't risked more than one child, hadn't followed our dreams, where would we be today???

Ghost of Christmas yet to Come.

Not quite the image of the grim reaper as styled in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol, but as I sit watching the flames flickering in the grate, finishing off the last of the mulled wine my own ghost of Christmas yet to come, leads me to dream of what I hope are our future Christmas' will be.

Now that number four has joined us the magic of Christmas is guaranteed for another 6 or even 10 years and beyond that I contentedly dream of my children grown into young adults with their friends in tow sitting around the extended dining table or curled on sofas in front of the fire or wood burner drinking mulled wine and cider, eating party food, cakes and chocolate. Playing silly party games, pulling crackers, singing and laughing and falling in love. With a 12 year age gap between the youngest and oldest I dream that as the last teenager is ready to leave, grandchildren will hopefully be appearing from his older siblings and so the magic starts all over again.

If my dreams come true we will have happy Christmas' year after year. Each year will change but I just know that our home will always be full of family and friends. Which means lots of home cooked food, hot drinks and fizz. Every room will be filled with Christmas cheer, tinsel, glitter, twinkling lights, music and laughter. There will be board games involving screaming, Pictionary and UNO no doubt firm favourites and silly parlour games like guess the celebrity or hum that tune. Then in the quiet times we will sit and watch old favourites on the telly, Die Hard, Star Wars and Indiana Jones eating our way through tins of chocolates and drinking copious cups of tea or mugs of hot chocolate.

Dreams these maybe but our number 4 has settled in like he has always been here. He has coped with all our visitors, all our visiting, the excitement of Father Christmas and the celebrations of the birth of Jesus. I know we may have difficulties ahead but based on this year, I am certain that Christmas will be full of love and laughter.

Happy Holidays

Christmas is the only holiday where we spend so much time with family and friends, somehow we find the time for lunch, early evening drinks and long walks with the dogs followed by mugs of steaming hot chocolate topped with swirls of whipped cream and marshmallows.

In the lead up to the holidays I find myself slowly working my way through the Christmas Radio Times looking for the family movies we can watch squeezed together on the sofa, a fire blazing in the grate, a tin of chocolates being passed from lap to lap and mulled wine and cider fill the grown up mugs, of course with DVDs and so much available on the TV now, our lives are not dictated by the schedulers like they were when I was a child. However, there is I think nothing better than settling in to watch Indiana Jones, 101 Dalmations even Die Hard and if there is a break for the adverts we can pop to the loo or refill our mugs.

This time is so important to reinforce the ties that bind families together, a board game, shared breakfasts, lunches and dinners, baking biscuits, mixing Rocky road and icing cakes. Walks over fields, times spent helping those less fortunate, singing and dancing, laughing and debating. Perfect.

Of course there has also been bickering, aggravation and irritation. Today I took child 4 out to give the other three some much needed time without toddler tantruming, this also helped my sanity as on his own, he is an angel. He has just learned how to open the other children's bedroom doors - oh dear!
But, there has also been train track building, holding hands, teaching of Christmas carols.

A first of many more holidays, a house full of my four children for years to come and hopefully in the future their children too.

'Twas the night before Christmas

Our first Christmas Eve as a family of six. Stockings are hung, carols have been sung, the First Christmas and 'Twas the Night before Christmas have been read and milk, mince pies and a carrot have been left out for Father Christmas. All is quiet throughout the house. This is my favourite moment of the whole Christmas season, the anticipation of what is to come.

The children have been bursting with excitement and are now tucked in their beds, all asleep no doubt dreaming of a little fat man dressed in red, riding in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.  How amazing is that, that belief in magic, children have this amazing ability to see the magic that surrounds them, the magic that we don't even notice. Mine know to look for a rainbow when the sun shines through a rainstorm, they know to look for signs of fairies in the woods and to believe I. Father Christmas no matter their age - after all if you don't believe in him how can he slip down the chimney to deliver presents. 

What a way to look at life, without rain there can't be a rainbow, without an imagination how can you dream big dreams and if you don't believe in magic how can anything magical ever happen.

Merry Christmas to one and all.