Dealing with change

What is it with human nature and change?  There are those that work through it, deal with it and move on. There are those that become angry and make demands that are impossible, not accepting that sometimes things just have to change and then there are those that just put their heads in the sand, telling themselves that if they pretend its not happening, it just won't happen.

Change affects so much of our lives sometimes its exciting, like getting married or having a baby but then other changes like at work can cause stress and even panic. Of course when we are stressed and panicking we are unable to think things through and life can become difficult.

With our adoption, we have been faced with all types of reactions to the change that will affect our family, those that are excited for us, those that have not really commented and the odd one that has become angry and frustrated with us.  Of course adding another will mean that as a family we will have to deal with change within our family unit, it will be interesting to see how all the children deal with the changes. Being me, I of course believe that because they will be dealing with change during their growing years within a safe and secure environment they should be confident in dealing with those curve balls life has a tendency to throw at us.

There is though always a flip side, children who deal with a lot of change in an unsettled environment can be left with a number of disorders that can effect their whole lives.  Our role will be to help our little one to recognise his behaviours and fears and how they effect the decisions he may make.  By acknowledging these thought processes he should be able to pre-empt inappropriate behaviour and deal with changes that are bound to happen in his life without them crippling him.

The amazing Maya Angelou said "If you don't like something change it, if you can't change it, change your attitude"

http://mayaangelou.com/bio/

Who am I to judge?

I've been thinking about people's reactions to our agreement to meet with child 4's birth parents today. Probably because there have been some very different reactions. Many people think that we were very brave, (although in comparison to the birth parents courage in agreeing to meet us, I dont think that we are brave at all). Some couldn't understand why we would want to meet them and I think that even though I said we didn't have to, they secretly thought that we must have been given little choice and then there was the odd one who just wanted to know all the "gory" details.

I have found that some of the community that we are part of (local and social media wise) have already made their minds up about the type of people, who's children end up in care. It's food for thought, what do you really think about these birth parents?

Its so hard for us to keep our emotions in check when we read that 28,220 children were taken into care in England during the year 1 April 2011 to 31 March 2012. 56% of those, a huge 15,670 of these children started to be looked after because of abuse or neglect. 
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/resourcesforprofessionals/lookedafterchildren/statistics_wda88009.html
On average a child is killed by a parent (birth, step,foster or adoptive) every 10 days, a baby every 20 days.
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/inform/research/statistics/child_homicide_statistics_wda48747.html

According to national statistics there are are approx 10,466700 school age children in the UK so 0.15% of those have been taken into care due to concerns about their welfare.


I think that it is really important that we do not stereo type all those who have had their children taken away by social services, the majority love their children, they did not think "oh let's have a baby so that we can neglect or abuse him." For so many reasons they are just not capable of looking after their children. When I think of having mine, my parents, family and friends were all around to help. My mum was with me and my husband when all three were born, she then helped with the older ones or just babysat for a few hours to give me a break and she was always there if I needed advice or a shoulder to cry on. I relied on the midwife and health visitor asking for help if I needed it because it never crossed my mind that anyone would think I was so bad a parent that they would take my child away.  Those like child 4's birth parents don't have a support network like I do, they would probably avoid health professionals for fear of what they might do or report.

In the blog update on 10 May I spoke about how so many of those who are incarcerated, homeless, or are addicts of some kind came from being in care. I finished it with what I hoped was a thought provoking sentence about children in our care system. "Perhaps we should try to remember those captivating, innocent and vulnerable faces when we read about teenagers being sent to prison or when we walk past homeless teenagers on the street." Today I think that we should perhaps think about those young children, they will grow into adults and unless we step in they will continue the cycle of their own childhoods because they won't know any better.

Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying "I will try again tomorrow"

As it is now a countdown until placement (12 days to go)I thought that I'd share some of the preparation that we have had to do over the last 13 months. It's also a really good reminder for me, like revising for that huge exam, only this is a life choice!

1. Think younger - feed child 4 with love, food and attention on demand, play baby games like peek a boo. Regression is good, don't worry if he wants a bottle or baby cuddles. He is reinventing his past. Don't use controlled crying you cannot spoil an adopted child.
2. Learn/Teach play. Use sensory play to wonder. Use sand, play dough, and water, visit the park, the woods, the beach. Make collages and nature tables. Curious is good
3. Singelese - use a gentle singsong voice. Praise often, say I love you all the time, keep instructions really really simple.
4. Divert biting and hitting. Change those smacks to patter cakes, try teething rings. Teach him to be gentle with his touch. Trace the features of your faces together, talking positively about eyes, nose and freckles.
5. Take care of me - eat well, go to bed early, find time for me time.
A happy mum = a happy household. I know by experience that this is a fact!
6. Join support groups, ask for help. Have positive people around you, who can offer a shoulder to cry on and a bottle of wine to share
7. Keep life simple, calm and interesting.  Only do what you can really manage in a day. Adopted children often cannot cope with noisy households as they have frequently been left to their own devices and ignored in their birth homes. Try feely boxes to encourage child 4 senses, simple routines and visual timetables help keep things calm.
8. Constantly explain your role, I cook your dinner because I love you, I bath you because I love you, I read to you, play with you, talk, sing and dance with you, I take you out on dog walks all because I love you.
9. Be aware of signs that things are not quite right, children should be seeking out their parents for affection and play or when they are hurt or scared. As child 4's parent I should be able to calm him, soothe him and interact with him on different levels. Ask for help. That's what post adoption is there for.
10. Be positive, empathic and playful.Don't  be dragged into a cycle of negativity, have fun, be gentle, be patient, encourage him to try, after all the worst thing you can do is fail and is that so bad? And surely its better than doing nothing.

The adoption triangle

Today we met child 4's birth parents. I was expecting this to be a traumatic experience and as you would have read from yesterday's blog update I really wanted to make a good impression on this young couple. I was desperate for them to see me as an ordinary mum who would love their little boy as if I had given birth to him myself.

But, when they walked into the meeting room it dawned on me that this meeting was all about them and their son, soon to be our son and not about us. Yes, it was important that we made a good impression, but today was about us gathering as much information as possible about this young couple, so that we could share it with child 4. It is so important for child 4 to know about who his birth parents are, what their lives so far had been like and how much they loved him. For them it was a chance to see what we were like and to be reassured that we love this little boy and that we will provide him with everything that he may need.

Their biggest fears were that; we wouldn't tell child 4 about them and that if we did that we would paint them as monsters. They were worried that we would change his name, removing any claim of his origins from them. We explained that we wouldn't change his name because that was what they had given him, it belongs to him, it wouldn't be right for us to change it. We had a huge list of questions about their childhoods, their meeting, their pregnancy and their likes and dislikes so we could share all that information with child 4. We know that they are not monsters and we would never portray them in that light. Without any doubt they loved him, they just aren't capable of looking after him.

Birth mum was visibly distressed and there were tears from most of us. According to our social worker these meeting usually only last about 20 minutes ours was over an hour, so I like to think a rapport was built and I really hope that they both know that we love this little man and we will give him all the love and support we can.

It's child 4's birthday soon and his birth mum explained to us that she is going to release a balloon every year on his birthday, my husband said that we would do the same, a new tradition forever linking child 4's past and his future.

Oh what to wear

I know that it is really sad but I keep wondering what I should wear tomorrow when we meet the birth parents. I want to look like an ordinary mum! I don't want them to think that we think that we are better than them, richer than them, more educated than them. I want them to leave our meeting saying that we were nice, normal and that they believe that we will love their birth child as our own.

I am very aware that I seem callous perhaps worrying about my wardrobe, when child 4's birth parents are being brave enough to meet with us to answer our questions, they have some for us too. They want to know what our childhoods were like, do we live in a town or the country, what do we like to do, what are the schools like and will we tell child 4 about them????

I think that I just want them to be ok with us adopting their baby, I can't comprehend how hard this is for them, they didn't have him to then neglect or hurt him, in their own way they love him just as much as I love child 1,2 & 3. I am not sure that they really understand that their parenting was not good enough because they really don't know any different.

We are lucky enough to be gaining a son but its is at someone else's expenses. I know, I know child 4 cannot stay with his birth parents because they cannot provide for his needs. But that doesn't change how they will/must feel. I think tomorrow could be one of the hardest things we must do, but do it we must for child 4's benefit, for his birth parents to hopefully accept their situation and move on with their lives ( how ridiculous is that, I don't know how I would cope with my children being removed) and for us. We need to understand as much as we possibly can about child 4's life story so that we can provide him with a home that he needs and deserves.

Sweet Child of Mine

I don't know how to put today's events into words. Emotionally we are exhausted, we've been worried, nervous, scared. Then sad, filled with compassion, even shed a few tears. Then happiness, relief  and elation. Then back to worry and apprehension.

Today was Matching Panel day, we once again met the board of specialists in adoption so they could approve us as child 4's new parents. This panel despite being made up of the same people that approved us as adopters was more intimidating, not because they were unwelcoming or scary but, I think because our new addition is so real. We have invested so much of ourselves in the preparation of accepting and welcoming this little boy into our family that any possibility of us being turned down would have been devastating. Child 3 went into school today to say that her new brother was moving in, in three weeks.

Of course as our Social Worker kept saying, everything was fine, we once again received an unanimous yes along with some wonderful words of support from each member of the panel. They all felt that we would make wonderful parents, offering child 4 a home full of love, laughter and fun. One of the panel had been adopted into a family where her adoptive parents had children already and she said that it was amazing she was accepted from day one, in our case child 4 hasn't even arrived and he has been accepted, certainly by almost all of our family and by our community.

I sit here this evening relieved that we have made it through today, we can now order child 4's buggy, mattress, car seat, letters to spell his name on his bedroom door and the cute raincoat with flying monkeys on it, new wellies in size 5 and that T shirt in Next quoting Guns and Roses "Sweet Child of Mine".

Later this week we meet the birth parents.............................

Why Five go on an adventure?

When I named my blog I was after the nostalgic imagery of  some of the favourite books of my childhood. Like the Famous Five, the Adventure series and The Twins of St Claires and Malory Towers by Enid Blyton, Anne of Green Gables by L M Montgomery and The little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett.

 The Famous Five worked really well as at the moment we are a family of five, when child 4 finally arrives we will have 2 boys and 2 girls and a dog just like the Famous Five. I want my children to be able to have "adventures" exploring rock pools and rivers, climbing big hills and rolling down them. I want them to learn to skim stones, ride a bike and a horse, to eat a meal cooked over a fire, even if its just marshmallows.  I want them to enjoy a picnic of jam sandwiches and a bottle of squash and a hearty spread of homemade pies, sausage rolls, scotch eggs and cakes. I want them to see different animals, birds and bugs, to learn about our trees and plants, to collect leaves, feathers, pine cones and autumn leaves.  I want them to fish with brightly coloured nets, to build fairy doors into the gnarled roots of an old oak tree and to play Robin Hood and Peter Pan. I want them to work up big appetites so they can enjoy freshly scrumped apples, plums and blackberries as well as cake, ice cream and cream teas and all those foods shared in Cherry Cake and Ginger Beer cook book by Jane Brocket.
I want them to have a strong and loving relationship with their family and friends, I want them to be capable, kind, happy, educated and independent. I want them to be aware of the whole world they live in and to believe that good will overcome evil. 

All these wants and desires are shared in the books of my youth and are probably why we spend so much of our time at the beach, the river, the Secret Garden. We make collages of the things we find and make fairy doors and garlands. We bake pies, cakes and biscuits and love to bring and share for picnics, barbecues and dinners. We enjoy a family movie night and Dr Who when it's on. I guess, in reality I want them to have the childhood I had. Thanks mum and dad xxx


Some of my favourite books.
Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Fantastic Mr Fox
C S Lewis' tales of Narnia
Charlotte's Web by E B White
The Secret Garden and The Little Princess and Little Lord Fauntleroy by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Railway Children and The Phoenix and the Carpet by E Nesbit
 The Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge
Goodnight Mr Tom by Michelle Magorian
Watership Down by Richard Sdams
The Silver Sword by Ian Serrallier
Stig of the Dump by Clive King
Carrie's War by Nina Bowden
Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys by Laurie Lykken
Willard Price's Adventure books
Little House on the Prarie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
The Box of Delights John Masefield
Pollyanna by Eleanor Porter
Dr Dolittle by Hugh Lofting
Heidi by Johanna Spyri
Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain