Peace in the midst of chaos

So many things are happening so fast, child 4 will sit for his bedtime story, he now calls for us when he wakes up and allows me to cuddle him when he has had a scare or a fall. And yet we have so far to go. He still looks for approval from many people especially women that we meet and today for the first time I felt those little tendrils of jealousy tug at my heart. He is mine and I want him to look to me for approval, to come to me when he is sad or hurt not feel the need to latch on to any adult for their attention.

I would not say that I am a particularly patient person but I have found that I am following a much slower pace of life, it maybe noisier and more chaotic but I tend to not make any plans other than the routine school runs, meal times and nap/bedtimes. I allow child 4 to set the pace, to explore where he wants to explore, he doesn't tend to play and his attention span is about 30 seconds except at story time before bed, he is on the go non stop and demands my attention constantly, yet I don't seem to become frustrated or irritated, perhaps all the training and reading did prepare me for a completely different way of parenting or maybe it's age or the fact that we already have three children. I don't know, what I do know is that it's hard and sometimes it's really hard but it's fantastic, I cannot explain  how it feels when he says mummy and means me (I think), when we sing him the child 4 lullaby before bed and he looks into my eyes with such concentration as if trying to see my soul or how he calls in the morning for one of us to get him. There is still so much to show him but we have plenty of time.

I recently read an article about a photography competition illustrating peace, the obvious possible winner was a calm, still lake lit up by the sun but the picture that took first prize was one of a magnificent waterfall, overlooked by a stormy sky , not very peaceful really until you spot why the picture had been taken, under an outcrop of rock protected from the spray was a bird sitting on her nest. Perfect peace.

Do you know why this picture won?

“Because, peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace.”

And so I will hold close those times we find amongst the chaos and noise where for a moment child 4 and I sit, tracing each others facial features gently with our fngers or when we sing this little piggy or pat -a-cake or the occasional sharing of a story. Those are the times we can find peace, love and calm in our hearts, a time for real connections.

New Beginnings

Child 4 I have surmised has never had a bedtime story curled up in his mothers lap, never been to a church or a school assembly,possibly not played at a mother and toddler group. He has never eaten houmous, chorizo or home made apple cake drenched in cream.

He, to child 1's dismay has the ultimate in double dipping. He dips his pitta bread into the humous, sucks it off and dunks again!!  He eats really well, trying everything we put in front of him. If he doesn't like it he just spits it out - cauliflower, parsnips and roast beef were spat out today. But Yorkshire puddings and roasted potatoes were devoured and he attempted petty theft of a Yorkshire pudding from his sisters plate. No one loves anyone enough to share their Yorkshire puddings in this house!

On Tuesday evening when he chilled out on the sofa with his milk, I suggested a story, child 3 chose Kippers Alphabet not the best of choices as it has 26 pages, but she had chosen so I sat between them and started to read, didn't even reach page 2 before child 4 was up and playing. Although tonight he sat cuddled up between us turning the pages of Brown Bear Brown Bear What Can You See? not necessarily in order but he sat and listened and joined in.

At mother and toddler group he pushed a pram around but showed no interest in playing with the toys, perhaps he is still at the exploring stage, he has so much exploring to do.

We went to child 3's school assembly on Friday afternoon, a special event as up until a couple of weeks ago I worked Fridays. She was dancing so it was fantastic to be able to watch her, not that child 4 could sit for more than a few seconds. And in the middle of child 3's performance he snuck past me with a plastic sheep ran to the front of the hall to give it to his big sister. Lovely, embarrassing perhaps but how cute.

All these things are normal for us as a family and child 4 will learn quickly I am sure, of how to work things best for him. He helped make scones on Saturday and was fascinated by the mixing and loved the cutting out of flower and apple shapes from the dough. He has already learned that if he calls someone comes. At first he would lie in his cot waiting for someone to come, the last two mornings he has called "mum". He has said all the children's names and cried a clear and loud Daddy on Friday, today he made my dad one of the happiest men alive as he called him Randad.

We I think should be honoured and excited to share so many firsts!

The trails and tribulations of being a car seat

Have you ever tried to strap a tantruming two year old into a car seat? If so, you know that they will be holding their body completely rigid but still able to thrash their arms and legs around and screaming as if you were really really hurting them. If they are lucky they will get a passing strike on your chin or your nose. In child 4's case nothing seems to distract him, tickling,toys not even blowing raspberries on his belly.

Child 4 categorically and absolutely hates his car seat but, only on some journeys, interestingly he is happy to travel by car when one of his siblings in the car, or during the introductions, when heading home from the foster carers to his new home. This leads me to wonder if child 4 has linked car seats with major home moves in his short life. It would be unlikely for us to be transporting him to a new home if the other children are in the car, so taking child 3 to school in the rain is fine but strapping him back in to his car seat for the journey home is a problem. Collecting child 3 from school is ok for the return journey when she is in the car but not for the trip down to school.

Today was sunny so we used the buggy, and I think where possible I will use the buggy for as many journeys as possible, where there is no option but to use the car, explaining our destination and travelling with one of the other children could be an alternative and could eventually help child 4 so understand that we will never be taking him to a new home.

I know some will be thinking that he needs to just "get over it" and that I am giving in to the tantrums, but whilest the weather is good and I need the exercise why not go with it. In time he will understand that he is ours and hopefully will not associate car seats with trauma.

My baby boy and I

Today, was my first day on my own with child 4. To be honest I was terrified, I may have already had three two year olds but the last one was five years ago and memories are funny things, we tend to remember things with a smile and a beat of our hearts. I had it all planned out yesterday, child 3 and I would walk child 4 down to school in the buggy, then after goodbyes child 4 and I would take a stroll to the doctors to register him, then a stop at the supermarket for milk and perhaps a first visit to the secret garden for a run about before heading home for cake and a drink, playtime, lunch and then nap time. So I was a little put out when I woke this morning to the rain. What were we to do, our little errands would only take about 30mins by car which left about 4 hours until nap time. I really wanted to have some amazing one on one time with child 4 to start building our relationship into a normal mother son bond but was concerned that I wouldn't cope.

It was a fabulous four hours. As I am unable to leave child 4 unattended because I have yet to find out what he is capable of, we spent the majority of the time playing together, jigsaws and trains are a firm favourite with the occasional cuddle and the more cuddles there were, the better they became, in fact by bed time he actually snuggled into my neck.  Grandma and Grandad popped in for a cuppa and a cuddle adding a new excitement and some adult conversation  for a few minutes before lunch.

I was right about not leaving him unattended as he left the bathroom taps running, took a bite out of three different apples, played throw the plums and locked the cat flap. All before lunch time and that was with me supposedly watching him!

Today was really important for child 4 and myself, he let me cuddle him and kiss him better after a fall, he even cried today, real tears. Up until now he hasn't cried and any tumbles he may have had he has just picked himself up, brushed himself off and gone on his way. I don't have a particular concern on the picking up and dusting off but if he's hurt he needs to know that he can come to me or his Daddy for a kiss it better. Independence is very good but too much could mean becoming an "island" unable or unwilling to ask for help when needed, and that is so not good.

Every day that passes makes me feel more and more optimistic.

A reminder of living with a two year old

I have had 3 of them so you would think that I would remember, but I had a rude awakening today Two year olds love to explore, they have no fear, they CANNOT be left unattended because they get in to trouble in seconds. Hence the washing sat in the washing machine, the washing up sat in the sink, cups of tea went cold and at about 3.30pm I began to clock watch, waiting for child 1 to come home so that she could watch her baby brother just so I could start tea.

Wonderfully, he is already tantruming, hmm what sane parent wants a child that tantrums? The parent of an adopted child, that's who. Tantruming is normal behaviour for a toddler and i like to think that it means that child 4 feels safe enough already to tantrum when he doesn't get his own way.

The funniest two were firstly,in the middle of this morning's school event where child 3 was singing and child 4 wanted to run up to her, when I caught him he actually threw himself on the floor crying and stomping his heels. The second was when child 4, the dog and I went to see the cows up at the local farm. As he is so good at walking I just put his wellies on and didn't bother with the buggy. All was well until we reached the first field with a gate, child 4 climbed on the bottom rung and called "cows, cows" funnily enough no cows appeared so I suggested walking down to the farm buildings to see if they were there, foolish mummy! Eventually we did make our way down and found the cows (mummy is not quite so foolish!) and I had in tow, a very happy child 4 until it was time to head home. Picture this, there is me holding the dogs lead in my left hand and trying to lift a screaming but rigid two year old with my right arm, as I finally get a grip he kicks off his wellies. Now I am having to hold him and the dog and bend down to collect the fallen boots, trying very hard not to laugh. This of course meant a slow climb out of the farm yard. About half way up the road child 4 struggled out of my arms, indicating that he wanted to walk, so we stop to put the wellies back on, once they were on, yes you've guessed it, child 4 turned tail and toddled off at fast speed back the way we or rather I had carried him and he had the nerve to be grinning! Of course I caught him and had to repeat the earlier screaming and carrying bit, not quite as funny as the first time because after a while he is actually quite heavy and squirmy and the dog who was just a bit bored by then thought he'd add to the drama by wrapping himself and his lead around my legs.

Of course the tears and tantrums are soon forgotten and being allowed to hold the dogs lead kept him close and happy, for the remainder of the walk home.  I really must remember the last minutes of our walk when we next go out, so that I am not tempted to take the buggy just because it makes my life easier, this hands on sharing of an experience is probably the beginning of teaching him about real mother, son relationships. You know the ones where for now I am in charge!

Forever

So today was the day we brought our son home for good. We have been waiting for this day for just over a year and waiting for child 4 from when I first saw him  at the begining of June. For us today is the end of our wait and the birth of a new life. Our family and community have been so excited and are desperate to meet our new addition.
For him though, it must be quite scary, daunting, confusing probably quite traumatic?  He has had so many changes in his short life. He was born and remained with his birth parents until a few weeks old when he would have been removed by a social worker and taken to his first foster home. Think about the scene he saw, even though he probably doesn't remember, but such an event will have had an effect. Try to put yourself in his little shoes. The chances are that his birth parents would have been distraught, would you allow someone to take your child without a fight! From that trauma you are loaded into a car with a woman (the majority of social workers are female) who you don't really know, then you are taken to a strange house full of strange people, noises and smells. Occasionally you will be moved to another house just for a week or so whilst your more permanent foster family have a holiday. Then one day there is a family problem in your foster home, so you are bundled up with a few things and taken to another new house, full of new people, smells and sounds. At each of these houses you are cared for. The lady of the house feeds you, keeps you clean, cuddles you when you are hurt or sad. The man and children play with you and chat with you but it's not really your home and they are not family.

One day a man and a lady come and see you and they play with you for a little while. They are called mummy and daddy. The next day they take you to the park and let you lick the lemony buttercream off the top of a cake. They like to cuddle you and tickle you. They talk to you and read to you. Then they take you to a beach where you can jump in rock pools, play in the sand and pick blackberries. At the weekend you meet 3 children who all want to be with you all the time, they jump on a trampoline and show you chickens, cats, rabbits and a dog. Each night you go back to the foster parents.  Until today, when after bath time you are put into a new cot (well new to you) and you fall asleep. So here you are in another new house, full of people, new noises and smells. Why will this one be any different than the others?

Child 4 calls everyone Mum, and will go to anyone for a cuddle. The children are teaching him their names when he calls them mum and call me so I can see what he wants me for. Only immediate family will be allowed to cuddle him so that he knows who to go to for his kiss it better kisses and cuddles. I know it sounds over the top but it is so important that he learns that we are not just a stop gap family, we are forever!

Unfounded fears

Less than 12 hours to go..................

Well, tomorrow is the big day, we collect child 4 from his foster parents and bring him HOME! It's just like Christmas Eve in our house tonight. It was really, really hard taking him back this evening, it would have been so easy just to keep him here. In fact he cried when we put his jamas on and when I left to take child 1 out he said "don't go."  Now that tugged at the heart strings.

I don't know if you read the blog update "An insight into my fears" which was about the irrational fear I had of meeting the foster mum, well I couldn't be more wrong. Child 4's respite foster mum, has been amazing. From day one when she first saw us arrive at the the practical planning meeting and recognising us from the Forever Family book made us feel so very welcome.  Having both fostered and adopted she had a real insight into how we would be feeling and she tried to make everything as easy, efficient and friendly as possible.

From the first moment we met child 4 she called us mummy and daddy, she stepped back to allow us in to take up the role of his parents. She encouraged us to take him out and shared her own experience to help pave the way for our next few chapters.

Foster carers have to be a special breed of person, they offer themselves and their homes to vulnerable children of all ages at what can often be hours notice. The average allowance paid is around £150 per week. That I know at first sounds a lot, but that covers 24 hour care for those 7 days. The children they often care for have been removed by social services in what is likely to been a traumatic experience. Then they love, car and nurture them whilst birth parents have some respite time or whilst adopters are found. Then they have to support those same vulnerable children into returning home or  prepare them for a new home.
I am sure that there are some foster carers who see this as a way to make a living from home and possibly don't live up to expectation. However the respite Carer, child 4 has been with the last 5 weeks has taken really good care of him, whilst waiting for us to work our way through all the rec tape. We truly could not have had an easier transition period or felt any more supported than we have done by this family. They have a couple of children and child 2 has swapped mobile numbers with one of them and is texting most days with updates.

I take my hat off to these types of people, those of them that carry out their roles of foster carers with each child in their care being the centre of their lives - good on you and thank you