Forever

So today was the day we brought our son home for good. We have been waiting for this day for just over a year and waiting for child 4 from when I first saw him  at the begining of June. For us today is the end of our wait and the birth of a new life. Our family and community have been so excited and are desperate to meet our new addition.
For him though, it must be quite scary, daunting, confusing probably quite traumatic?  He has had so many changes in his short life. He was born and remained with his birth parents until a few weeks old when he would have been removed by a social worker and taken to his first foster home. Think about the scene he saw, even though he probably doesn't remember, but such an event will have had an effect. Try to put yourself in his little shoes. The chances are that his birth parents would have been distraught, would you allow someone to take your child without a fight! From that trauma you are loaded into a car with a woman (the majority of social workers are female) who you don't really know, then you are taken to a strange house full of strange people, noises and smells. Occasionally you will be moved to another house just for a week or so whilst your more permanent foster family have a holiday. Then one day there is a family problem in your foster home, so you are bundled up with a few things and taken to another new house, full of new people, smells and sounds. At each of these houses you are cared for. The lady of the house feeds you, keeps you clean, cuddles you when you are hurt or sad. The man and children play with you and chat with you but it's not really your home and they are not family.

One day a man and a lady come and see you and they play with you for a little while. They are called mummy and daddy. The next day they take you to the park and let you lick the lemony buttercream off the top of a cake. They like to cuddle you and tickle you. They talk to you and read to you. Then they take you to a beach where you can jump in rock pools, play in the sand and pick blackberries. At the weekend you meet 3 children who all want to be with you all the time, they jump on a trampoline and show you chickens, cats, rabbits and a dog. Each night you go back to the foster parents.  Until today, when after bath time you are put into a new cot (well new to you) and you fall asleep. So here you are in another new house, full of people, new noises and smells. Why will this one be any different than the others?

Child 4 calls everyone Mum, and will go to anyone for a cuddle. The children are teaching him their names when he calls them mum and call me so I can see what he wants me for. Only immediate family will be allowed to cuddle him so that he knows who to go to for his kiss it better kisses and cuddles. I know it sounds over the top but it is so important that he learns that we are not just a stop gap family, we are forever!

Unfounded fears

Less than 12 hours to go..................

Well, tomorrow is the big day, we collect child 4 from his foster parents and bring him HOME! It's just like Christmas Eve in our house tonight. It was really, really hard taking him back this evening, it would have been so easy just to keep him here. In fact he cried when we put his jamas on and when I left to take child 1 out he said "don't go."  Now that tugged at the heart strings.

I don't know if you read the blog update "An insight into my fears" which was about the irrational fear I had of meeting the foster mum, well I couldn't be more wrong. Child 4's respite foster mum, has been amazing. From day one when she first saw us arrive at the the practical planning meeting and recognising us from the Forever Family book made us feel so very welcome.  Having both fostered and adopted she had a real insight into how we would be feeling and she tried to make everything as easy, efficient and friendly as possible.

From the first moment we met child 4 she called us mummy and daddy, she stepped back to allow us in to take up the role of his parents. She encouraged us to take him out and shared her own experience to help pave the way for our next few chapters.

Foster carers have to be a special breed of person, they offer themselves and their homes to vulnerable children of all ages at what can often be hours notice. The average allowance paid is around £150 per week. That I know at first sounds a lot, but that covers 24 hour care for those 7 days. The children they often care for have been removed by social services in what is likely to been a traumatic experience. Then they love, car and nurture them whilst birth parents have some respite time or whilst adopters are found. Then they have to support those same vulnerable children into returning home or  prepare them for a new home.
I am sure that there are some foster carers who see this as a way to make a living from home and possibly don't live up to expectation. However the respite Carer, child 4 has been with the last 5 weeks has taken really good care of him, whilst waiting for us to work our way through all the rec tape. We truly could not have had an easier transition period or felt any more supported than we have done by this family. They have a couple of children and child 2 has swapped mobile numbers with one of them and is texting most days with updates.

I take my hat off to these types of people, those of them that carry out their roles of foster carers with each child in their care being the centre of their lives - good on you and thank you

Tears before bedtime

Another day closer to child 4 moving in.  2 sleeps to go!!

We collected child 4 from the foster family home this morning and brought him home. Child 2 & 3 came with us, excited about spending another day with their baby brother. Child 3 is struggling with the introduction of a new family member not because she doesn't like child 4 but because she wants him to love her so much, that he only wants to be with her. She becomes green with envy if he should play with child 1 or 2. Her comments have been "I wish I was an only child because then I would be the only sister" or "I don't want a brother anymore, he won't play with me"  When I point out that she will have him all to herself every school morning and afternoon for at least an hour before the other two return home she responded "but, you will have had him all to yourself all day, that's so NOT fair!" Whatever I say doesn't matter, she is too young to understand that child 4 will do what he wants completely oblivious to her feelings and she has yet to learn that sharing is sharing with everyone not just her.

We had a quiet day at home, a normal lazy Sunday. Roast chicken and all the trimmings followed by an apple and blackberry pie, nap time, playtime, meeting the grandparents, watching two hot air balloons from the conservatory windows and a visit to see the chickens, bath time, tea time and then back to the foster family home.

He loved the hot air balloons "look" he pointed standing on the windowsill only wanting to get down to fetch another family member he could show them. We are trying to avoid much of the outside world at present so that child 4 understands that we are his mummy, daddy, brother and sisters. I cannot imagine what he thinks, sometimes he looks so very serious and thoughtful. After all 6 weeks ago he was with the family he was placed with at a few weeks old, now he is with respite carers and on Tuesday he is with us. There is nothing I can do or say to this little boy, to make him understand that we are his forever, no matter what may happen, he will never be taken away again.

Child 4 seems to show no real concern about these moves, which of course in light of all the attachment training we have done is a little worrying. I can only hope that his brother and sisters will show him what it is like to be in a forever family, that by interacting with them and watching us interact with him and them he will see and understand how a family should work, by actually living it.

As child 2 & 3 waved him goodbye from the doorstep they cried and child 1 who went with her dad to take her baby brother back to his foster parents wept when they got there. They are finding it hard to send him away each night and understandably don't understand why it has to be this way.

Although I don't want to ever see anyone I love sad, these tears have a definite poignancy about them and make me feel sure that adding another by adoption is the right thing for us to do.

And the siblings meet

Fanbloodytastic, woke up at 4.10am, dreaming about hoovering and scrubbing the toilet!! Child 4 would be arriving around 10am along with his foster family, whose home is immaculate. Mine has that kind of lived in feel, you know the one with dust fairies, that occasionally resemble tumbleweed. I did eventually drop back off to sleep to be awoken by child 3 telling me that it was 6.30am so time to get up. When I spoke to my dad and told him that I had got up early to tidy up he laughed at me saying it was too late for me to be tidy.

Today all of our children were going to meet each other and those that currently reside in our home were certainly struggling a bit first thing. No doubt they were feeling how I was on Wednesday morning but its harder to articulate when you aren't all grown up yet.

Of course there was absolutely nothing to worry about, child 4 arrived like a miniature whirlwind, full of excitement and energy and child 1,2 & 3 took it all in their stride. If anything all they did was fight over their baby brother, they all want to play with him, read to him, share nursery rhymes with him. They want to hold his hand, cuddle him, carry him and have him sit on their laps. Hmm 2 year olds tend to do what they want! I have to say though that they loved each other on sight, child 1 keeps saying "oh he's so adorable" child 2 rapped "he may com from anover muvver, but he's still my bruvver" and child 3 cried when we dropped him back to the foster parents house this evening.

As it was child 4's birthday today we celebrated with a couple of presents and a hedgehog cake, we wanted to keep it fairly low key this year. But as promised to child 4's birth mum we all, with the dog in tow climbed the hill behind our house so we could let off the blue balloon, matching her one far away. Maybe they will meet?

I know some will have little sympathy with birth mothers who lose their children to social services, especially in the light of some of the terrible stories shared in the press regarding the neglect and abuse of children recently. But I don't believe that in our case we can ignore our promise regarding the annual ballon release. I have no influence over child 4's past nor can I predict his future, all I can do is create a present as secure, loving and amazing as possible and our annual balloon release will remind me of that, whilst linking child 4's past and present together, hopefully enabling him to forge a future of his own making.

Jody Landers said  "another woman's child calls me mum, the depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me" 

Oops the amended bringing baby home plan

Day 1 - meet at foster carers 2pm until 4pm , this was again altered to 1pm until 4pm

Day 2 - All day at foster carers 9am - 3pm ( we did get to take child 4 to the park and for a cake, all by ourselves!)

Day 3 - 7.30 am until 3pm, so we could see morning routines. Off to the beach, a picnic and a cream tea

Day 4 - 10am until 8pm, Foster mum to bring child 4 here, introductions to his brother and sisters, the menagerie of pets and the house.

Day 5 - collect child 4 from foster home and bring I'm home, hoping to bump into Nanna and Grandad whilst walking the dog. Sunday lunch (roast chicken, potatoes parsnips cauliflower and broccoli cheese, carrots and stuffing followed by apple and blackberry pie, made with the blackberries we picked yesterday.) Back to the foster family for 8 pm

Day 6 - telephone meeting with social services to check all is ok, pick child 4 up at lunchtime and bring him home until 8 pm

Day 7 - Bring baby home forever!!

Child 4's first famous five day out

An early start this morning as we had to be at child 4's foster home for his breakfast routine and then we were off to the beach for a famous 3 day out. We couldn't have asked for a better day, thick mists hung in the valleys waiting to be burnt off by the sun, giving the effect of mystical lakes surrounding the hills that lined our journey. Blue sky edged the horizon revealing the warm autumn day waiting for us.

As we walked down towards the beach two horses past, stopping to allow us to stroke them "cow, cow" child 4 said. The tide was just receding, leaving gleaming rock pools and thick strands of brown seaweed for us to explore. The way a two year old explores his surroundings is a completely new way to view the world.  When we normally visit this beach the children are off hunting for crabs, anemones and other creatures trapped by the tides or they are off exploring different routes across the beach, rock jumping. Child 4 however has never seen a beach created from rock formations started thousands of years ago. He wanted to pick up pebbles, throw them in the pools to see the splash they made, laughing if the spray got us wet, then he found the muddy sand and sat for hours touching it, moulding it and throwing it in to the pools. When we finally made it to the cliff top we picked blackberries for a homemade apple pie. Child 4 was fantastic at picking the red blackberries and eating the black ones I'd picked and put in the bag!

A spot of lunch and a cream tea finished the day. Child 4's eyes widen, like saucers when the scones, jam and cream came out, he certainly knows how to get what he wants even with the limited vocabulary of a 2 year old and it wasn't the scone, jam and cream I lovingly spread for him, no it was the cream and the jam!

The sign of a marvellous day out is a child sound asleep in his car seat before we make it to the main road on our way back!

The importance of community

So much to write about but so bloody exhausted not sure I can string a coherent sentence together.  And we are only 2 days into our 7 well 6.5 day introduction plan. I want to tell you about our trip to the park, the visit to a community centre full of gorgeous old biddies and doddery old gentlemen, child 4's amazing foster mum and of course child 4 and how he is bonding with his Daddy!

But tonight I sit with a hot and strong cup of tea (strong because I've just noticed the tea bag is still stewing in it!) thinking about my leaving work/work event meal that I have not long returned home from. What with my head still travelling the adoption road I forgot that I was supposed to be at work for 5.30pm, well to be honest I knew but hadn't really realised how time flies when you are busy and tired. I arrived a little late and took on my surprise role as quiz master with what I hope was lots of enthusiasm, sparkle and exuberance! I am sure that sometimes I must drive my work colleagues mad with my excitement and passion for life, at my worst I must be like one of those really really annoying pantomime characters.  However, they as usual go with my flow and seem to enjoy themselves. Once the quiz night, which included "Name that year" "Pictionary" and "Mastermind" had finished with team one winning by 4 points. We headed off to Prezzo for a night of catch up gossip, face stuffing and I guess from a work perspective some team building. They were so kind that they had bought our family a voucher to spend on our new addition, in our place its hard enough to arrange for a card to be signed by all the staff, that to complete a collection is phenomenal and says a lot. There were some wonderful comments about our nearly at fruition adoption plans and about us as a family. But do you know what, not one of them realised how important they, like so many of our community are, in our endeavour. My job share has taken my plan for 6 months out without batting an eyelid, the lovely girlie stepping into my smelly old shoes to "keep my seat warm" will do a fab job and no doubt find out what she is truly capable of (just don't be too good or they may not want me back). Then the other guys, some who have said that they admire me for being able to take on a little person not created by me and bring them into our family fold. Not everyone is cut out for adoption, we all have talents and abilities special to us and everyone of those within my work place have enabled us as a family to add another in what is I guess a slightly unusual way. They offer support through their enthusiasm and their interest, just offering an ear and a shoulder can sometimes make such a difference.

I truly see our adoption of child 4 as a shared and special event for all those that have a touch on our lives. We have an opportunity to offer one little boy a new beginning, a life full of love, friendship, stability and laughter (no doubt a few tears too) and everyone and anyone who offers what they can is part of that!