Crossing that line

So, here we are at the front of the queue, I can taste the anticipation on my lips, butterflies are trembling in my stomach, my heart is in my mouth and I can't make myself cross that yellow line yet.  I step back to psych myself up.

The problem with adoption is that
We have to decide if the child we are reading about is the one, each child has different types of issues, complicated birth family lives, possible development concerns, attachment disorders, anxiety about mental health history in their parents.
If we say yes, there maybe other potential adopters more suitable in which case they would be able to adopt them rather than us.

It's a bit like a paper based cattle auction and here we are weighing up the pros and cons about a child!!

The anticipation I can taste fluctuates between terror and certainty,
The butterflies flutter, flicker, vibrate or thrash. Quivering between excitement, melancholy and dread.
My heart leaps, bursting with love then crumbling in panic.

Still, I can't cross the line, I say that I'm not ready to board that emotional roller coaster, yet as I write the I think my feet have a mind of their own and I'm already strapped in ready to go.

A bring and share supper

Last night we had friends over for a bring and share supper, everyone had to bring a plate of food and whatever they would like to drink.

A visit from friends inevitably means that I have to actually clean my house properly. It's funny but I always see the house in a different light when I know visitors are imminent and when the sun is out. For example I saw the finger and hand prints all over the conservatory windows, the greasy grime on the front of the oven and the green tarnish that covered the white plastic garden furniture.Fortunately, I am not a complete slob and tend to do the usual cleaning such as hoovering and cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom on a regular basis, but I am not so good at the other stuff, there is always something else to do, like bake a cake. So yesterday after I'd done the fun stuff making fruit jelly, summer pudding and marinating my ribs I started the cleaning jobs and I have to say that today my windows are shiny and clear, the oven is spotless and the garden furniture looks inviting. Hopefully that is what our guest saw last night.

People arrived from 7.30pm and I was handed dish after dish of delicious food, (lasagne, salads, potato dishes, cheese, coronation chicken of course and lush bread from the market) bottle after bottle of fizz, white wine, beer, gin and so on and the flowers so many flowers just because Hubbie and I were hosting. The kitchen was full of people saying hi and hugs and kisses were abundant, it's been a while since we were all together. As the weather had been so lovely we had aperitifs and nibbles in the garden, child 1 was our waitress and a fine job she did. Once the hot food had been heated and the rice to go with the Thai green chicken had been cooked we all came in to eat and chat. The sun went down, the Mexican lights turned on and dessert brought out, more eating, chatting and laughing until it was time for our guests to head home starting in dribs and drabs depending on the babysitting 
arrangements, with the final two leaving once all the beer had been drunk.  An hour later after clearing up we headed to bed.

This morning, child 3 awoke a little later  than usual (7.30am) due to her nearly midnight bedtime once I unloaded the dishwasher and hung the table cloths on the line you wouldn't know that anything had happened except that we chatted over breakfast about how lovely it was to see everyone and catch up on what is happening in our lives. The house is full of summery flowers, the fridge full of leftovers and us we are filled with new memories of a fab evening spent in the good company of very good friends who will/want to  join and support us on our adventure.

The first drop on the roller coaster

Nothing, I mean nothing can prepare you for reading your first prospective adoptee file. Even with all the training and reading we have done didn't prepare me for that first read yesterday and nothing prepared for me waking this morning knowing that the child we read about yesterday who sounded so perfect for us couldn't be the one. Not because of him/her but because of the family circumstances surrounding him/her. The biological parents didn't want their child taken away and adopted yet they couldn't see that their behaviour is why their child had to be removed from them and put up for adoption. They would almost definitely look for their child and as they lived a little to close, well within the radius of emergency hospitals, bowling alleys, museums etc. we would spend our lives looking over our shoulders.
And so our first hardest decision is probably a no!

A Forever Family

Now that our postponed panel date has past and I have recovered from the doldrums I spent yesterday putting together a "Forever Family" book. This book is what can be given to our number 4 to help introduce them to us before we meet. Child 2 interestingly, being that he was the one quite wobbly about adding another, helped me put some of the pictures together. (The Pic Collage APP has been fantastic)

Each of us (including the dog, the cats, rabbit, chickens and the garden) has a double page, one side made up of child 2's collages and the other of an individual photo with our names attached and comments like "your big brother, your big sister and your bigger sister". I am thinking it may be quite daunting for this new little one to embrace the huge family we will be introducing them too. The book only includes our household, does not include grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends and so on and so on, but maybe that's my concern based on how I would feel. I can remember meeting my husbands family for the first time -scary!!! And it must have been worse for him meeting mine as we are bigger & much noisier.

But, that is my preconception, children are often much more able to adapt and accept the situations they find themselves in. I like to think of Peter Pan and his Lost Boys

                               "TO LIVE WOULD BE AN AWFULLY BIG ADVENTURE"

Hopefully our number 4 will be excited, nervous perhaps, but excited to become a member of our family, after all in my head and my heart, wherever and whoever this little one is, they are already mine!

Hedgehog cake

As part of a biology project, child 2 wanted to make a cake in the shape of an animal. We decided to go with an old favourite, I, my sister and brother and many of our children have had "The Hedgehog Cake" to celebrate a birthday. In fact my brother was presented with it in Fredricks restaurant in Islington when we celebrated his 18th birthday.

 Earlier I baked mums chocolate cake and then after dinner child 2 made up some chocolate butter cream. We cut the cake in half and stuck the two halves together,  trimmed his bottom and made a nose from the trimmings. The whole cake was then smothered in the chocolate butter cream and chocolate buttons made the prickles!!!! Fantastic

Other project cakes we have made have been
A tidal wave cake for geography using a tray bake and blue and white buttercream created by child 1
A motte and bailey castle cake for child 2's history project

Now how come I didn't get to do stuff like that when I was in school.

"Coz you were stuck in the Stone Age " child 1 said

And gold goes too........

Child 3 had an in service day today, much to the disgust of the other two. Not only that but Dad and I were both home too, so what a lovely day for just the three of us. I had suggested a day at the zoo but child 1 and 2 obliterated that plan before it had really been discussed. No zoo trips unless we all go (not that I blame them)

After a visit to Nanna and Grandads, lunch in the garden and a bike ride I had to judge a gymnastics competition. First discipline was the floor routine, second was the beam (imaginary as it was in the garden) and third was the bars. Child 3 completed her routines with beautiful cartwheels, forward rolls, handstands, jumps, front and side splits and some scary bridges and walkovers, I then had to score and announce the winner. Easy you would think.

"And in first place was child 3" I shouted with an applause. "Mummy!! You have to announce third and second place first" was child 3 annoyed response. (There were no other competitors) "erm who else was taking part sweetheart" I replied a little confused. "Oh for goodness sake weren't you watching, there were two other gymnasts but they weren't as good as me!!" Child 3 tutted, (how is it that children can apply that condescending tone, pitch perfect??????)
What else could I do " and in third place came Bits the Rabbit, in Second Gertie the Cat and the winner in first place is ............"

The Doldrums

What with panel being moved, work related rubbish and other stuff going on, I feel stuck in those doldrums. Not really motivated, kinda attempting to do things but really I want to go and hide under the covers for a few hours.

I looked up what doldrums mean and some say it comes from the old mariners describing a belt of weather between the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean.

All in a hot and copper sky,

The bloody Sun, at noon,

'Right up above the mast did stand,

No bigger than the Moon.

Day after day, day after day,

We stuck, no breath no motion;

As idle as a painted ship

Upon a painted ocean.      

Samuel Coleridges " Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner"

Enough of that, it's a beautiful day, the washing is hanging on the line a new raised bed
needs to be made and I need to make up a potato salad for the Coronation Street Party we are going to. 

And there are baby cygnets in the moat, it's time to find better waters to sail in....