Which superhero?

Children in Need is nearly here and with it goes dressing up in school day. Fortunately or not child 3 has already completed her dressing up day today as a WW1 land girl to celebrate/commiserate 100 years since WW1. The whole school joined in, there were nurses, fighter pilots even one in his own cardboard box plane, a cardboard box tank, a trench rat, evacuees and many many more. The children could invite grandparents and aunts and uncles anyone who was alive during WW2. Of course they joined in, in their droves and took part in activities, making poppies, trenches out of lollipop sticks and clay, ID cards and writing poems. The day climaxed with the singing of those old war time favourites. "Keep the Home Fires Burning" "Pack up your troubles" and "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"

  Celebrating peace is always a good thing  but if we consider that only 11 out of 161 countries on the planet are not involved in some form of conflict at the moment I am not sure we have much to celebrate but I guess that's for another blog! 
http://www.visionofhumanity.org/#page/indexes/global-peace-index/2014


Back to dressing up, child 4 has just found the joys of the dressing up box and at the weekend he and his sister child 3 played for an hour dressing up as all sorts of super heroes, a shield on the back created a tortoise and scarves wound around the body became beautiful dresses befitting only a princess. Then they screamed and hurled themselves up and down the hallway with one arm reaching up to the sky "whoosh super B...... to the rescue".

Child 4 has to dress up as his favourite superhero on Friday along with £1 to donate to Children In Need. Have you ever noticed how many of our most well known superheroes were adopted?

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Superheroes_who_are_adopted

Superman, Spider-Man, Bat Girl, Hell Boy, Robin, Iron Man, Wolverine to name a few and so I have made child 4 his own special cape. A bright red piece of fleece decorated with a B and some stars, all because he is my little superhero and I really, really want him to understand that everyone no matter who they are or where they come from has the chance to be special maybe not flying through the air or swarming up a building special just special because of who they actually are. This is child 4's favourite song in pre school at the moment..... I hope he keeps the words close to his heart because he like his siblings are really special, well at least to me.

I am Special

(to the tune of "Frere Jacques")

I am special,

I am special,

Look at me,

You will see,

Someone very special,

Someone very special,

It is me,

It is me.

Siblings

I have spent this week considering siblings, as that was the highlight of this years National Adoption Week. We didn't adopt siblings so I wondered if my thoughts could be included, then decided that of course they can, just because we haven't adopted all our children doesn't change how adoption has affected each and every member of our family.  Child 4 joined our noisy, rambunctious and happy household a year ago and we now have 2 girls of 15 and 8 and 2 boys of 13 and 3. Our home is now noisier, more chaotic and for the most part full of laughter, love and happiness. I am so, so very proud of our older three children they have followed us down the adoption journey road, even occasionally overtaking us at surprising moments to lead the way with a wisdom that belies their years. They have questioned and discussed our decisions, sharing their worries and moments of joy along the way with an honesty that is sometimes a little scary. Before child 4 joined us I set up support networks for everyone, I spoke to schools, friendship groups, trusted friends and supportive family members ensuring that when difficult times arise all four children could have time, support and anything necessary to their well being.

Some people forget that our child 4 has been adopted as he is so much part of the family and that is an amazing gift, however when times are difficult, which can be a lot of the time, he is the one that demands so much of our time and this can be detrimental to his older siblings. It is so different to have adopted, had I given birth to another baby there would have been the 9 months preparation then when the baby arrives they sleep a lot, they don't climb the walls or stair gates, they don't throw cutlery, books or trains, they don't hit, pull hair or bite and actually they are quite boring. We by-passed all that and went straight into manic toddler mode and so of course there is a knock on effect.

I picked up early on that child 3 was struggling, I guess that I was expecting it, after all she had been the baby for 8 years,so  her nose was understandably very bent out of joint, but actually she is thriving in school and our love bombing moments have definitely helped to keep our relationship strong. It's child 2 that seems to have slipped through the net. Maybe because he has just hit his teenage years,  maybe because he hasn't found his place yet, he isn't as secure in himself as the other children are, so I am left trying to manage what could be a sorry state of affairs instead of pre-empting an issue. Hopefully because I have laid the groundwork for asking for help, that help will be quick and forthcoming and we will be able to resolve his issues quickly and sensitively.

I could beat myself up for missing his worries and no doubt I will, but right now there is much work to be done repairing any damage that may have been done. At least he knows as I do that his foundations are strong and full of love.

Despite these hiccups along the way, adopting has been an amazing experience for us all, I cannot see anything that would change my mind on that, life is full of ups and downs regardless but adding another through adoption has truly shown us the power of love, resilience and laughter, lots and lots of laughter. And those things far outweigh the tears, tantrums and traumas.

National Adoption Week

Last night I came home from a discussion group that I attend about once a month. It was around 10.30pm and the house was quiet and peaceful. I shrugged off my coat, patted the dogs head and put the kettle on. My husband who was in the bath quietly called out and as I walked over to see what he wanted I was greeted by a bleary eyed child 4 with two storybooks tucked under his arm. I swept him up into my arms and carried him back to bed.
"Your bed mummy?" he murmured
"No sweetheart, I'm not in bed yet" I whispered back. I tucked him back into his bed and he held out his arms "pease stay". How could I refuse, crawling onto the bed next to him we lay nose to nose, his arms wrapped around my neck his hands entwined with my hair and I watched as his eyelids became heavy, his breathing evened out and deepened and then his arms became heavier and heavier. " I really love you mummy" he murmured

That's why adoption is so important to me.................


http://www.nationaladoptionweek.org.uk

A side trip to Waterstones

Last week after visiting the bank to open up child 4 a bank account he escaped my hand and disappeared into Waterstones, after those terrifying moments that any parent has because their child has gone missing - you know the fast shallow breathing, the palpitations in your heart, your eyes darting left, right, up, down, all around, the sweat gathering in your hair line and then all the creases of your body. I noticed that a narrow white wooden door between two bookshelves was open just a jar, nervously, praying quietly I opened it and there he was, grinning from ear to ear hiding at the back of the bloody window display!!! Once he was out and I had him in a much firmer grip I attempted to lift him into the buggy, admonishing him quite quietly because the store was busy, he then did the stiff as a board routine - those of you who have ever attempted to place a ralicrient child into a buggy, car seat or high chair will recognise this defence mechanism, there is no way to force their stiff bodies into a sitting position and strap them in, even with your knee in their chest! So we spent the next 15 minutes of him on the floor between my feet screaming that he was not going to get into his buggy and that I was a meanie whilst I pretended that he wasn't anything to do with me.

It took 15 minutes or 900 seconds before he decided to take charge and climb in the buggy himself, as if nothing had happened - it was a very long 900 seconds I can tell you............

Anger management

Many adopted children struggle with anger, can you blame them they do not know stability,  supportive parents or unconditional love. Our child 4 struggles with anger, I have been reading Margot Sunderlands  The Science of Parenting and about the two types of tantrums children have, the distressed type of tantrum and the Little Nero type. Our little mans tend to be the distressed type and I am not sure if that is easier or not.

We have decided to try and pre-empt issues for the future so have asked his nursery for support. We now have a SenCo (special educational needs co-ordinator) coming in next month to assess him and then we along with the staff will put a plan in place to support him. The nursery staff are trying to see if they can find the triggers for his rages, so that they can help avoid them. At home we have systems in place for the times he loses his temper. At home he tends to be prone to tantrums when he is tired or hungry and he is often angrier when one of his siblings won't play with him. He reacts with violence I guess, hair pulling, biting, pinching and punching. He chases after them not willing to just let it go, he wants a fight and that makes it difficult. I have learnt to keep a close watch, close supervision of him after 4.30pm when they are all home. I try to use distraction where I can but sometimes I have to use the buggy. The buggy is my containment strategy when things are at there worst, he can be secured but still with me whilst I finish off dinner. It's not my preferred strategy but sometimes necessary. Bubbles and play doh are much better.

It's not all bad, most of the time life just ticks along. We are a family and dealing with all the issues that family life brings. Most days are good even fantastic but sometimes I watch our child 4 and I see the damage his early beginnings have done and I hope that we can give him what he needs to recover. But I guess all I can do is ensure we take all the support we are offered or that we can ask for and just enjoy a day at a time.........

Dance in the rain and jump in puddles

Yesterday was our first sign of winter on its way, it was dark in the morning and even as it began to get light, the light was muted and drab and the rain hammered on the roof.

When we got to school to drop child 3 off, the sun broke through warming us. As the children filed into school they all gasped, calling out and pointing behind where we stood, as we turned we saw the  sky lit up with a beautiful rainbow.  A rainbow soon to disappear as the sun looked as if she were to stay.

At school pick up the rain once again made an appearance, starting slow but steadily becoming heavier and heavier. The little ones awaiting the older siblings including our child 4 ran out into the rain, standing with their tongues out or mouths open wide catching the raindrops. As more rain fell puddles began to appear, much to the children's delight and they all rushed off jumping and splashing in them, oblivious to how wet they were getting.

I stood wondering, when did we lose the joy the little ones exhibited so exuberantly. When did we stop catching the raindrops on our tongues, gasping in delight at the sight of a rainbow or just enjoying the moment of jumping in puddles? Whenever it was we should perhaps wipe a tear.

I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers

"I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." Anne of Green Gables

I've pretty much given up indoor activities for now, child 4 just wants to be outside. Every morning when his Dad puts the dog on his lead ready to take him out for his early walk, he collects his wellies and two tennis balls and stands expectantly by the front door. On the occasional wet day that Dad tries to sneak out without him tears and tantrums are sure to follow. I love this 20 minutes of peace, where I can sort the older 3 out, readying them for their school day - ensuring that child 1 actually eats some breakfast (teenage girls), child 2 has done his teeth not just looked at the toothbrush and child 3 is getting dressed not playing on her ipod.

We tend to walk child 3 to school, well I walk,the two youngest children scooter down and if child 4 isn't going to nursery we head back home for a drink, a spot of cake making and a quick tidy, hoover or hanging the washing on the line and then it is out again, we head out to the farm to visit the cows, the sheep, the horses and the tractors. It's fantastic up there at the moment there are two calves waiting to say hello in the barn and the tractors are always busy doing something, cutting back the hedgerows, harvesting some corn or preparing the fields for next years planting. The lane that takes us through the farm is edged with blackberry bushes laden with succulent berries waiting to be picked, if I remember a box we bring them home to make an apple and blackberry pie. The fields are so English, a patchwork of green that dips and lifts as far as the eye can see. Sometimes we head up in to the woods, exploring the undergrowth, hunting for monsters, owls and deer. More blackberries tempt us as do the occasional late wild raspberries. Weird and wonderful mushrooms encourage the hunt for fairies and other magical creatures. Of course there is the Secret Garden, a magical place that seems as if only we are the visitors. I let child 4 lead the way, he loves finding secret paths and steps that lead to adventures involving the climbing of trees, the wondering a of what animal lives in which hole, badgers, rabbits, foxes and moles are all present and the collecting of conkers and pine cones. I seem to always have a nature treasure or two in my pockets.

We rarely see other people, occasionally the farmer or a dog walker but that is it. It's just the two of us. Sometimes we wander quietly and we listen to the breeze whispering through the branches of trees whose leaves are now few and the ones left are hues of red, gold and amber. The leaves crunch under our feet reminding us to kick and jump in them.  Birds chatter incessantly above, occasionally we will hear the cry of a peregrine falcon or buzzard. If we are really quiet we can hear the crickets chirruping in the long grasses.

October is such a magical time, the end of summer a lead up to winter and the end of another year. Soon we will be lighting the fire, hunting out winter coats, scarves and gloves and thinking about Christmas. Just now though we only need our wellies and occasionally a sweater, the sun is still warm through the middle of the day and as the leaves change, and nature readies herself for the cold months to come we have so much to explore and there is nothing better than revisiting some of my favourite places through the eyes of a three year old.