It's been raining again, the sun is just coming through the grey clouds, but the clouds are darker in the distance.
For the first time ever I am going to confession at my own violition. I am so very angry at so many people, some of whom I don't even know. I know that this rage is unhealthy and I know many will say that it is "bad form or sour grapes" but I don't think it is. I think that I have every right to be angry. I think that many people have been completely let down by those who made promises that they had absolutely no intention of keeping and for those of us that voted remain we are left bereft, angry, anxious and saddened by what is playing out in front of our eyes. I am hoping that confessing this anger and despair will help me to move forward and to find some peace so that I can look after my family.
My rage, I know stems from fear, funny you may say, an adoptive parent recognising the fight, flight, freeze responses in herself.
I am a first generation immigrant - something I have never even thought of, not until the EU Referendum. I have and still am really proud of my heritage but now that nagging fear of what may happen in the future makes me think of immigration, when I look at my birth children who have the beautiful characteristics of having a mixed heritage or when I look at myself in the mirror. I have always been jealous that my siblings have been blessed with the exotic eyes, colouring and hair of my mothers family where I take more from my British/Irish father (immigrant again) but now wonder if their lives will become more difficult because of it.
I am sure that many used this vote as a protest vote against austerity, complacency and corruption and yet our leaders are still not listening, they are too busy fighting among themselves or passing the baton of responsibility.
My fear is that as the protest vote hasn't given the people the outcome they hoped, for they will protest again, leading us into a society split by race, culture, sexuality, colour and class. I keep telling myself that our society nowadays is a wonderful melting pot of so many different people that hate will not win. But fear stops good people standing up or stepping in. I am wearing my safety pin and many of my friends do to, I hope that this is enough, that something so small will give us the courage to stand up should we need to.
I look out of the window hunting for the rainbow that should be here, a reminder that after the rain the sun will shine again but as yet I can't find it.