We have been dealing with a fair bit of defiance at the moment. In the skateboard park child 4 scootered to the top of the highest ramp and refused to come down and in the playground he ran away screaming "just leave me here, I don't want to come home, I hate you" I am very aware that defiance in anomaly and common reaction when children don't want do what they are asked, adoption just adds an extra dollop of complication.
Defiance is a really hard behaviour to deal with generally but add the additional issues adopted children tend to bring into the mix and friends, family and the general public and we have a situation able to bring the most adept parents to their knees. At first I wasn't sure quite how to deal with it, without becoming the dreaded fish wife or the weak pathetic parent giving into her child's whims. So in the end I have decided to not worry about other people and I have just had to wait child 4 out and then put consequences in place to discourage him from behaving defiantly. So on the days we need to be home quick, we don't take the scooter and on the days I need to be the one in control of what happens in the playground, I have resorted to reins.
It is my struggle with child 4's defiance that has led me to think about defiance in general and then why I am so upset by it and I have come to the conclusion that in actual fact defiance in its own right and in the right circumstances can be a good thing.
So, perhaps I shouldn't be fighting against defiance, maybe I should investigate why child 4 resorts to defiance, possibly I should nurture an understanding for why defiance is a good and necessary part of human behaviour. I wonder if defiance can be shaped into a means of challenging unjust behaviours, can defiance become strength and bravery in the face of adversity? Can defiance be articulate, quiet and peaceful?
Jesus, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, Leonardo Da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Mother Teresa, Emily Pankhurst, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Dalai Lama and Aung San Suu Kyi are all people that stood up for what they believed in, in defiance of the status quo. Mother Teresa left her convent in India to live amongst the poor, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks stood against segregation fighting for civil rights in 1960's, Charles Darwin changed the world view on how life began, Mandela a political activist against apartheid, Jesus, Ghandi, the Dalai Lama stood for the poor and disenfranchised. So yes I think defiance can be for the good.
I just need to remain strong, brave, articulate and calm when I am dealing with it.