Birth parents and step siblings letters arrived this week. And for the first time I felt something new, something primal. The birth parents letters were for the first time articulate and told the story of how they were making progress, finding and keeping jobs building a life, all be it one with out their son. When their previous letters arrived they were disjointed, short and for the some part full of rage and grief, selfishly I preferred this it gave me the higher ground, the morality that our child 4 needed to be removed from their care or lack of it and placed with us. It eased the guilt I will always feel. It was a new and some what frightening experience to read a letter that made me question what child 4 would think when he read those letters at an age that he could understand them..
I don't know if it's just that I have fallen more in love with child 4 or that I am just seeing a new crossroads ahead but I was scared, angry and worried. Questions scurried around in my head "why was I taken away?" "They sound nice" what would my life have been like if I stayed with them?"
I guess my feelings and thoughts are natural, I only want what is best for my children, I want them to be happy and loved and why wouldn't I worry about how child 4 is going to deal with his history and his future. How am I going to know what questions he is going to ask and how am I going to answer them. I guess honesty, integrity and love is the way to go. He has to be the centre, my fears and feelings may have to sit on the back burner or be shared in a G&T boardroom meeting.
The road we walk is long, with bends, crossroads and uneven surfaces yet if we traverse it holding hands and sharing our experiences then we can negotiate whatever life throws at us together.