Court

Guess what came in the post today?
Details of our adoption court hearing, 3 weeks and if all goes to plan child 4 will legally be ours. Of course I excitedly rang my husband and then my parents but as I started to text out to the rest of the family and friends, I remembered child 4's birth parents who will have also received a copy of the same adoption court hearing information in the post today. Whilst my family and I are cautiously celebrating, looking forward to future of spending time together, playing, laughing, teaching, reading and loving, I can't help but think about what the birth family are feeling, fear, loss, devastation, failure and heartbreak. They are being supported by a charity group who will offer advice and emotional support for as long as they need it.

We are advised not to attend this court hearing as child 4's birth parents could be there. They have the right to contest the adoption order if they want too. This is highly unlikely, although they have stated that they don't want their son to be adopted, social services have a placement order which overrides their desires. It has been agreed by social services and the courts that the birth parents are unable to care for this little boy and that it would be in his best interests to be adopted into a family who can provide him with what he needs.  Even if the birth parents did contest they would have to demonstrate to the court that the concerns that led to their child's removal have abated and they would have to prove how they could now provide a secure and loving home for their son.  There are no guarantees and we won't know the outcome until after the order has been passed through the court. We just have to trust in the system and have faith that everything will be okay.


Once the order has been agreed, we will be invited to a celebration court date where we as a whole family will attend the court to hear the order, meet the judge, with a bit of luck the children will have an opportunity to wear the wig and bang the gavel. We will then all head out for lunch and champagne to celebrate.

My message to child 4's birth parents is "We feel honoured to be entrusted with our new son and we promise to love him, unconditionally forever. We will share his past with him and not exaggerate or trivialise it. We will tell him of your love but inability to care for him in the way he needed, we will share the letters you send and we will write to you sharing the stories of his childhood and adolescence and we will support his choices for the future"

Growing up is tough

It is hard being in school when you feel isolated, yet so many children suffer isolation because they don't have the opportunity to or just have yet to meet like minded people. Children have to have the chance to try lots of different things to find what it is that they enjoy and sometimes as parents we have to encourage them to attempt new activities. This doesn't guarantee long lasting friendships but will certainly help to protect self esteem and build confidence in meeting new people through out their lives.

I have been a little concerned about one of my children and his isolation. But after catching up with a couple of friends the other evening realised that he is not alone. The children of my friends come across as lovely well rounded individuals, achieving their potential in school and any of the extra curricular stuff that they do, yet they have or are having similar problems.

When I think back to my teenage years, I didn't fit in at school in fact didn't really like it but I was lucky enough to meet up with like minded people through a swimming club. We were a crowd of boys and girls who grew up together, traversing our way through those adolescent dramas until I guess we outgrew each other. Now in the age of social media it is really easy to stay in contact even with people who live on the other side of the world and I still have contact with many of this group of people who played such an important role in the moulding of my personality.

Looking back I may not have enjoyed my school days per se, although there were some good times and my time in the sixth form definitely was the best two years of my school life, I made it through relatively unscathed and I suspect it helped to create the person I am today. Nowadays I will always smile and welcome anyone who is new in the playground, work or church. As I know lots of those in our community I would never leave someone out on the sidelines I still remember that "billy no mates feeling" quite clearly and will always endeavour to ensure that I would never knowingly leave someone else  in my vicinity feeling like that.

Thinking of life like that means that I should have faith in my children and their future, at some point they will meet those who are to be life long friends but they will also meet many people who will be friends for a short time and those people are just as important because we as a society learn by trial and error, for each friendship mishap or decline if we take away all the good memories or learn about how to behave in different circumstances surely that will help us to become better, friendlier  and more tolerant people.

My responsibility is.....

Have been struggling a bit this weekend and after listening to catch up on radio 4's Woman's Hour about anxiety have decided I need to put my house or rather my mind in order.

After lunch today I took the dog out for his walk all by myself. As I am a fair weather dog walker, gardener etc I try to avoid being outside in the wet and cold and with the weather being so crap lately the lovely husband has been on dog walking duty. What a star.  This afternoon was dry, cloudy and windy and whilst walking the cold blustery wind blew away my cobwebs and worries and the peace and quiet ogave me time to just be, to take stock and find new paths to follow in an attempt to make my life easier.

This is the first time this week that I've had time just to myself , half term has meant that the children have wanted me on tap all week, usually whilst child 4 sleeps they are all at school so I have an hour or so to regroup and re-organise my day, re prioritising what needs to be done. This week I haven't had that time, the minute number 4 is in bed I am required for something else. By the weekend the house was a mess, the ironing overflowing, and still child 1 needs help preparing for her French speaking exam, child 2 hasn't even started his history project (I did set him timetable for completing it 3 weeks ago, in hindsight I should have made him set it and write it down, that way he would have been more likely to actually work to it) and child 3 has to finish her space story and solar system for school.  I am very aware that, certainly the two eldest children at 15 and 13 years old should be able to sort themselves out but that doesn't stop me wanting to help them to do the best they can. Also once something has been discussed and set, like child 2's project timetable I seem to just forget and move on with the next thing that needs sorting out.  Not the best parenting I guess but in a way the children have to learn to take responsibility for their own homework, bedrooms and lives. In addition to all that I am going into work tomorrow morning for another keep in touch session, I know that one of the girls has very excitingly handed in her notice and is leaving for pastures new in a couple of weeks, which of course is leaving my already short staffed team even more short handed and I can feel the pressure to return a little earlier than intended creeping up on me. However for the moment my family does have to come first. Child 4 isn't fully settled into nursery yet and having had a week off for half term could potentially struggle on his return. Child 1 has drama competitions coming up and I would like to have the opportunity to watch her compete, without worrying about working. Another concern is how I will manage to work, look after the house, take care of the children and all the millions of things us mums have to do with the reducing time that I have.

Over a late lunch, I couldn't even have lunch ready by one today, it was almost two I talked to everyone about how I was feeling. I talked about, how after I empty the wash basket someone will decide to clear all the dirty washing off their floor and fill the basket back up, the trail of destruction they all leave everywhere they go, shoes, coats, toys and empty crisp packets and cups just left where they are finished with. I explained how on my return to work I will have less time to pick up and clean and actually I shouldn't have to, they are with the exception of child 4 more than capable of picking up after themselves.

My time out with the dog gave me the opportunity to think through new ways of ensuring that new routines can be set and adhered too. A teenager will show empathy whilst I talk of my concerns but then they are off  doing their own thing and forget to put the dirty washing in the wash basket and put their old coffee cups in the dishwasher, I need to teach them to do these things and this in turn will lead to consequences in not co operating. An amazing example is the "can I have your phones, IPods etc until your bedrooms are tidy please"  the bedrooms are tidied immediately.  Dirty washing being hoarded in bedrooms will lead to them sorting, loading and drying the washing at a weekend, not putting cups etc in the dishwasher will lead to washing up after dinner, items left lying around will be kept in a special bag ready to be retrieved once a chore out of the chore box is completed. Part of parenting is to teach our children to take responsibility for themselves after all in the real world there are consequences for all our actions and we have to take responsibility for them.
I am starting today by taking responsibility for my needs and building a routine that will work to help me keep my sanity

Half term

This half term has been a contradiction of so many things, it's been lovely to be all together the children are playing together, chasing, running, jumping and screaming, yet sometimes being all together is tough, what with the bickering and fighting. It's been fantastic to not have to be out of the house at 8.30 am for the school run, too not have to make lunch boxes or have to head out in the rain for school pick up but the lack of routine has definitely affected child 4's behaviour. He has reverted back to his throwing things. The week of course has flown by and I will miss having them all around next week, I have been able to have a cup of tea in relative peace in the kitchen whilest they have played in the living room.

Child 1 has been revising for the beginnings of GCSEs and is in panto so she has been busy doing her own thing. The rest of us have made a solar system. Child 3 has been really interested in the planets so after a trip to the local pound shop to purchase balls, tissue paper and glue we set about making the planets. The three younger children had a marvellous time cutting the paper into strips and then sticking and moulding the tissue paper to make each planet. Child 3 had to write a story for her homework this week, base under the sea and so she has based hers on creatures living in a dried up sea on Mars and how they travel to Neptune looking for a new home. She intends to take the solar system in along with her story.

Child 4's social worker called in this week, intentionally wanting to see all the children together. I think that she went away happy. To me our home is just like that of anyone I know, noisy, untidy, chaotic but full of laughter and love. Child 4 has certainly settled in amazingly well. He seems to have attached to us as his family. The social worker was pleased that he misses me and becomes a little distressed when left at nursery, not that anyone wants him upset but the fact that he wants me is really really good.  The children have all accepted each other as part of the family and I have seen some really good examples of  of that acceptance this week. They love spending time together and hate spending time together just like a family should.

He's my brother

Child 1 had her final rehearsal for panto tonight and as it was a short one and the husband was out watching the football child 4 came along for the ride. As usual he charmed everyone and had a lovely time exploring the stage, the props and joining in the singing and dancing. On the way home child 1 said that one of the cast had said how alike she and her brother looked. I asked if she had explained that he was adopted and she said no. She went onto explain that she didn't feel the need to tell anyone about child 4 being adopted and actually she didn't want to because it changed how people viewed the relationship between her and her brother. People didn't need to know he was adopted,  child 4 was her brother and that was just the way it should be.

Proud mum x

A miracle of motherhood

Nothing could have prepared me for child 4's absolute acceptance of me as his mummy. I had in a way hardened my heart, built a wall around my feelings, knowing that he has a mummy and I am the "stand in" because she is unable to take care of him. Yet over the last few weeks little things have started to happen and the wall is crumbling..........

As I am to return to work next month we have started to settle him to our local nursery, the first couple of sessions he ran in happy as Larry just wanting to play, on day 3 though I had a call at 10.30am could I come and get him as he was asking for me and becoming distressed. Every time he saw someone on the CCTV that covered the gate he would ask "is that my mummy?"
(He is settling in though. We are just taking it a day at a time, a session at a time and gradually lengthening the stay, very much led by what he can manage.)

At home he wants to be with me, doing whatever I am doing, which of course can be a hindrance, but more often than not is a pleasure. Then, the other day when I put him down for his afternoon nap he called me back wanting a kiss before he slept. He comes to find me when he has hurt himself and whenever we sit to watch TV he climbs into my lap to snuggle. He holds up his arms demanding a hug or a cuggle.

Now when we are out, he introduces me to other people as his mummy, he used just charm and chat to anyone, completely ignoring me, now I am his opening chat up line.
If he loses sight of me he will ask "where is my mummy?" Invariably I am watching him and can scoop him up before he feels lost.

But the icing on the cake was a couple of nights ago when reading his favourite book of the moment "I Like it When" he pointed to the adult penguin and said "mummy" and pointed to the baby penguin and said his name.

I felt honoured, privileged that in the eyes of this little boy I am his "mummy" not a stand in, I am the real thing. There may well be another mummy out there thinking of him and do you know what I can live with that, after all if I can love 4 children why can't child 4 love 2 mummy's?

Rainy days and Wednesdays

Another day of pouring rain, another day of being stuck inside with a two year old for company. Oh what to do??

I decided to bring a little bit of spring into the house, so hunting out an old egg box, some paper  and some bright yellow paint (I have learnt that if I  want something to be a specific colour only put out that colour) we set up child 4's little table and set about making daffodils. All was going so well until I nipped out to the loo when child 4 must have decided that the living room needed brightening up too and I returned to find beautiful yellow swirls of paint decorating the wall.
I am not really sure if it was the painting or the clearing up that he enjoyed the best.

Then we headed for the kitchen for a snack and a drink before making playdough. Our first attempt was a sticky, gloppy mess because I forgot to add the salt. The next attempt was perfect and we made some beautiful vintage red and blue playdough. There is so much you can do with playdough, cut out shapes with cookie cutters, make cats, snails and spiders, you can roll sausages and squish shapes. Child 4 only makes balls, lots and lots of balls which he then flattens and makes into balls again.

Eventually being indoors drove us outside and we dressed in waterproofs and wellies and went puddle jumping, river wading and rain dancing.