Adoption choices.

Adoption has been a journey of choice for my husband and myself, one that is full of joy, sorrow, difficult moments, worry and a fair bit of laughter. For our children though it is not of their choice or of their making. I speak often of child 4 as he is the one that is adopted, certainly not his choice. That decision was made by social workers and a judge and I guess because his birth father wouldn't take responsibility for his own choices and actions and his birth mother couldn't.   But what of our three birth children, they didn't make the choice in adoption as a means of gaining a brother, they didn't have the knowledge that us parents had (which, in reality is just bare bones - I am pretty much self taught in the trials of tribulations of attachment, adoption training really only gives an outline, even if some of it is hard hitting.) Our birth children took on this little boy as their brother pretty much from day one. Young children and babies, I believe are very good at that, they pull you to them, they heal family divisions, they offer new beginnings. But that doesn't mean that it is easy.

Our eldest sometimes struggles with other people's perceptions, most in our immediate community are aware that child 4 is adopted and comments of "how lucky he is," surprise that we have contact with his birth family and that assumption in now that he is adopted everything is ok is difficult enough for me as an adult to manage, but for a teenager who wants to change the world it leads to anger and frustration. On top of that she has left school and gone on to college to study A' Levels and of course in the making of new friends and discussions in tutor time or class, adoption has come up. She is frequently asked if her parents divorced and her mum remarried because she has a brother 12 years her junior, when she has explained she is sometimes asked if her baby brother is a different race or if she is also adopted. The there are days when tutors/students make off-the-cuff remarks about society, children in care, birth parents etc and she doesn't know whether to comment or not. Her opinion is often sought if anyone knows that she is part of a family that have adopted, sometimes  she is listened too, other times she is totally dismissed as a New age hippy.

Child 2, has his own concerns, he finds it terribly hard to cope with his little brothers out going affable character as it means that he talks to complete strangers when we are out and about. This goes against everything he understands, firstly the "stranger danger" that child 2 learned early on, bypasses his younger brother and secondly for a teenage boy a member of the family who stops and talks to who ever will listen is an embarrassment. He understands why child 4 seeks acceptance and safety with other adults but it doesn't make it easy to live with.

Then, child 3 who was the baby of the family, has totally had her position usurped, not just by a dependent younger sibling but one that has the ability to hurt and torment, a sibling that does demand huge amounts of not only our attention but also that of those in the community.  How can we expect her to understand child 4's needs are different to hers and how we deal with those needs is different to how we would deal with her and yet often we do.

I am truly amazed by the resilience all our children show, not only that but they are so open minded about how we deal with every day life issues, they take so much in their stride, as a family humour, kindness, empathy and love have grown and grown, not saying that bickering, arguing even all out fighting is not a frequent occurrence. I've lost count of how many times I've heard "you love him more than me, you never have time for me, I want to be adopted by another family, it's only because he's adopted." However,  If I weigh those moments against the happy ones, the game playing, the puddle jumping, the scooting to school, the cuddles and the I love you's, those difficult moments are definitely out weighed by the joyous ones. Interestingly I think the children live in the moments of joy, the difficult times for them seem to fade away. Perhaps I should take a leaf from their book?

The Naughty Boy

 One of my biggest worries is that child 4 will become "the naughty child" you know the child other children talk about in hushed whispers, the child that classmates gleefully share stories about because he has been in trouble again, the child that doesn't get invited to birthday parties or play dates. I worry that I will be stopped as I walk into the playground because the teacher or SENco needs to speak to me. I worry that parents will stop speaking when I walk up to a group of them chattering away.

I have seen a child like that before and have watched as he becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. He was a child that didn't sit still, that didn't cope with school boundaries. He became known as the naughty boy and other children wouldn't play with him so he became desperate to make them like him and when that didn't work he pretended that he didn't care - I honestly don't know which was worse but, either way he became ostracised and ended up moving schools.

Until this week we were doing ok, but now I'm not so sure, child number 4 is over excited, over anxious, agressive yet clingy just different. Why, I wonder, his behaviour points to anxiety but I can't quite work out why. It could be that Christmas is on its way. They children have been writing their Christmas lists, this weekend we baked the Christmas cakes and I have started the shopping. Maybe he knows that something is coming and maybe he can't cope.

If we are doing something out of routine he keeps on and on and on and on until it's has happened. It could just be visiting Grandad after lunch but he will from the moment he knows ask when we are going and he will incessantly keep asking until it is time to go.  I suggested putting a timer on so that when it buzzes he knew that it was time to go but that resulted in a complete melt down.

I have noticed that he is following his friends blindly, they are happy to set him up to get into trouble and he merrily follows their lead, not understanding that there are boundaries, a wonderful example of this was when one of his friends had taught him the phrase "f***ing awesome" our initial response was to just ignore it, but the two boys were having none of that and kept hunting me down just to shout it at me. So, I explained that it wasn't nice and that we don't say that in our house and the tone of their voices were not friendly. They both stopped and carried on their play until the play dough came out. Child 4 sat there saying it again, this time when I commented he looked me straight in the eye and said "I didn't say f***ing, I said bucking" after a stronger discussion and a banning of anything except awesome they boys didn't say it again. Interestingly child 4's friend knew what was happening and knew that he had over stepped a boundary, child 4 just didn't.  At a meeting discussing pupil premium money his pre school manager shared similar experiences, Fortunately the staff understood what was happening and are dealing with the child that instigates the behaviour as well as Child 4 for over-stepping the boundaries.

And so again we are rethinking old strategies and hunting out new ones. A visual week showing the activities with a picture of child 4 that can be moved from day to day to teach him about time and provide security. A much more watchful eye on what he is doing, with quick, efficient boundaries put into place to help him recognise that he is overstepping the line. Closer communication with pre school staff to ensure he doesn't become " the naughty boy." And where possible quiet times, calmer evenings and a stop on Christmas excitement until December. Where possible is the operative word as we are busy every weekend until the new year.

Wish me luck..........

National Adoption Week 2015

I've shied away a bit from National Adoption Week (NAW) this year, other than those in the adoption "family" it seems that I am the only one who is aware of its existence. I know, I know I should probably be evangelising about it, sharing the information with as many as possible but I am tired.

My week started with a meeting of old friends, dinner out with girls (maybe not quite girls anymore) whom I have known since my teenage years, we haven't had the opportunity to all get together since before child 4 joined us. It was really fantastic to see them and catch up with their lives, but I felt disconnected my life has taken a completely different path and I worried that our paths couldn't converge anywhere. Because we haven't met up for such a long time they are completely unaware of the trials, tribulations and joyful events that have taken place - we do stay in contact but primarily via Facebook - the look at what I am doing in a humorous or positive way social site, or I guess if they read my blog. They have missed out on the journey my family and our close community have been travelling, they don't understand about trauma, attachment disorder, rage, pupil premium, letterbox contact or just a daily life that encompasses 4 children, adoption, sibling rivalry, teenage drama, work etc, etc. so of course my sharing of our life today potentially increased the gulf between us, I retreated to my professional demeanour the one I used when interviewing the school which of course probably made everything worse. They were only trying to help.

Half way through the week I heard staff at school talking about a little foster child who had joined the school, quite rightly they were putting lots of support in place for them, they talked of the need for stability and empathy for the situation. I am really pleased that everyone wants to help this foster child feel safe and secure, yet they don't offer child 4 the same respect - I believe that they truly view him as lucky and ok now because he is adopted, it is forgotten that he too was taken away from his birth parents by social services and that he was placed with more than one foster placement.
According to the Oxford Dictionary  
Foster means : Bring up (a child that is not one’s own by birth) and
Adopt means : Legally take (another’s child) and bring it up as one’s own. 
My definition is that adoption is hopefully permanent and saves the government thousands and thousands of pounds. Neither definition gives any inkling of the effect that these two words have on the children or families involved and neither one says that one is a sticking plaster and the other is a magic wand, yet I often feel that, that is how the general public interpret them.

Finally this weekend I heard things like "Really! Adopted children are entitled to pupil premium" "Some of those women keep having babies to claim more benefits" "do you now feel that he I  part of your family"

Unless people are directly involved they have very little idea of what it is like to be living with our care system, often they have buckets full of advice and ideas but, those pearls of wisdom are based on their knowledge of parenting, the people we mix with, for the most part, come from safe secure backgrounds, they have absolutely no comprehension of the experiences our children have survived. Just as they don't mean to be hurtful with what they say, if you haven't adopted how can you know that love for that child, well in our case, was immediate. In truth people only want to help they have no idea that more often than not their comments and parneting advice are completely inappropriate. To be honest I am not sure taht I was any better before we started  the ongoing education that is adoption.

For me NAW seems to be about what still needs to be done. This year the focus is on the over 4's, last year it was siblings, all these children are looking for forever families. Maybe NAW should be more about look at what we are doing and how we are doing it, where can support be found when needed, look at the success stories, the journeys families are traversing and look how far they have come. If we educate our society about trauma and attachmnent the support within our communities could be appropriate and amazing.

Adoption may be difficult, exhausting, frustrating and sometimes a nightmare but it's is also the best thing we have ever done.

I would do it all at in tomorrow!!


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A Street Kid named Defiant

We have been dealing with a fair bit of defiance at the moment. In the skateboard park child 4 scootered to the top of the highest ramp and refused to come down and in the playground he ran away screaming "just leave me here, I don't want to come home, I hate you" I am very aware that defiance in anomaly and common reaction when children don't want do what they are asked, adoption just adds an extra dollop of complication.

Defiance is a really hard behaviour to deal with generally but add the additional issues adopted children tend to bring into the mix and friends, family and the general public and we have a situation able to bring the most adept parents to their knees. At first I wasn't sure quite how to deal with it, without becoming the dreaded fish wife or the weak pathetic parent giving into her child's whims. So in the end I have decided to not worry about other people and I have just had to wait child 4 out and then put consequences in place to discourage him from behaving defiantly. So on the days we need to be home quick, we don't take the scooter and on the days I need to be the one in control of what happens in the playground, I have resorted to reins.

It is my struggle with child 4's defiance that has led me to think about defiance in general and then why I am so upset by it and I have come to the conclusion that in actual fact defiance in its own right and in the right circumstances can be a good thing.

So, perhaps I shouldn't be fighting against defiance, maybe I should investigate why child 4 resorts to defiance, possibly I should  nurture an understanding for why defiance is a good and necessary part of human behaviour. I wonder if defiance can be shaped into a means of challenging unjust behaviours, can defiance become strength and bravery in the face of adversity? Can defiance be articulate, quiet and peaceful?

Jesus, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, Leonardo Da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Mother Teresa, Emily Pankhurst, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Dalai Lama and Aung San Suu Kyi are all people that stood up for what they believed in, in defiance of the status quo. Mother Teresa left her convent in India to live amongst the poor, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks stood against segregation fighting for civil rights in 1960's, Charles Darwin changed the world view on how life began, Mandela a political activist against apartheid, Jesus, Ghandi, the Dalai Lama stood for the poor and disenfranchised. So yes I think defiance can be for the good.

I just need to remain strong, brave, articulate and calm when I am dealing with it.

Life Story

What does life story mean to you?

Life story books and journeys mean so much more to those involved in fostering and adoption. Every child that is adopted will arrive at their new family with a life story book or their social worker will be in the process of completing one. This is a book telling the child's life so far, where they were born, who their birth families are, who fostered them and then as in our case on the last page is a picture and description of the adoptive family. Child 4's book is a brightly coloured laminated A4 sized book, full of photos and basic information. It tells the history of his birth parents, other children they have, it has photos that the birth family wished to be included. It has a picture of the hospital he was born in along with his time and date of birth, giving birth weight and length. It explains where he lived when he left the hospital. More pages give an insight into his life in foster care and the two families who looked after him until his social worker found us. The middle of the book explains why he couldn't remain with his birth family and why he was placed for adoption. 

This book has sat on a shelf for two years, the older children, particularly child 3 have read it cover to cover absorbing the information and with it the sadness and loss that touches all of us involved. Child 4 hasn't really shown any interest, probably because he is too young yet, that was until his birthday when we showed him the photos of when he was a baby.

I have been meaning to follow up on his story, but didn't really know how, would each of our children want to create a book, should we have a family one, perhaps for each year. Then I was given the opportunity by CORAM to attend a Life Story Work workshop run by Joy Rees. I have to say I love adoption courses and workshops, they are packed full of useful information and maybe just as importantly other adopters who share their stories, the highs and the lows, making me at least feel normal even if just for a little while.

Joy Rees began her course explaining what should be in a life story book and what definitely shouldn't be. Understandably in this age of modern technology and social media the advice is to not include full names, dates of birth and definitely not addresses. This information would have been used much better if we had, had it before our children were placed but she also gave alternatives if our children had been with us for a while, such as road maps, That's for another day. Her idea was that the books centred on the child and his family, his adoptive family because that is who his family is. Of course the birth parents were mentioned, after all we all have birth parents and they are the roots of where we start but actually the here and now and what happens next is what is important. Our children need to know that they have a future and a happy, safe and secure one.  Here sample books are simple, brightly coloured, full of the relevant information, the child is the main character and his family, us are chapter 2 not the epilogue!

I find it fascinating how grown adults as myself sometimes just accept things as the way they are, we don't always question, because we don't look too hard at the information we are given we just assume that it's ok, trusting that the person who has completed the work firstly, knows what they are doing or secondly has been give the time and support to complete it correctly and to the best possible standard. We are sometimes too scared of being seen as difficult or too assertive, after all that maybe the way to ensure that we are never matched with a child if we question when we should. Sometimes, time and events over run us meaning that we miss things.

When I returned home I took child 4's book from the shelf and re read it, it has his birth parents, grandparents, extended family names in full, some with dates of birth. In the family tree it's has the parents home town listed and his paternal grandparents full addresses!! When you consider that child 4 was to be placed outside of the area he had been born because his parents and paternal grandparents were adamant that they would find him and bring him "home" allowing child 4 the information that would enable him to contact them so very easily (his birth mum is the first person to come up on Facebook when you search for her) I am amazed that not only the social work team did not pick up on this but that I didn't either. (I have read Bubble Wrapped Children and should have known better)  I have contacted our social worker to ask for advice, but don't have high expectations as child 4 has been with us for two years now and with the turn over of staff I don't even know if child 4's social worker is still around.
Don't misunderstand me, most social workers do their best but I know that for child 4's social worker ours was her first adoption and she had a massive work load, her attention had to have been taken by those children still at risk. child 4 was now safe with foster carers so would no longer be a priority in her mind. No one else noticed that information he could use as he grew up to find and contact his birth family was now readily available.

We his family will now rewrite his life story book, we will include all the information from his original one and keep the original one safe until he is 18. But I will follow Joy Rees ideas  making child 4 and his place within our family not his history or that of his birth family the centre of his book.
My life story books aim to reinforce the child's sense of belonging and security within the adoptive family before addressing their history and early trauma. The book brings the child back to a secure present and leaves them with a sense of a positive future.

http://thejoyoflifework.com

The Eye of the Beholder

Sometimes we can just get it wrong. There is no malicious intent but our pre conceived ideas and judgments mean that we misunderstand a situation or think that we know the reason for a Behaviour without actually asking.

Earlier this week after school drop off, child 4 was scootering in the skateboard park. 9am is a good time for him to use the equipment as the majority of the local teenagers are in school. Whilst I stood watching him, occasionally with my heart in my mouth as he navigated the highest and steepest slides  a chap from our parish was out walking his dog and stopped for a chat. He commented on how brave and confident our youngest child was and it was lovely to see that he wasn't clingy anymore.

Hmm my first confusion, child 4 has never, ever been clingy - nope he tends to be completely independent. He didn't even cry when he first joined us, we had to teach him that it was ok to ask for help if he hurt himself, kissing his hurts better and cuddling him when he did tumble. Very occasionally these days he will snuggle in or hold me in a death grip if he doesn't want to do something. 

This was followed up by tales of his daughter who had taught in an inner city primary school, where the school was full of children who were difficult to manage, there was a child who would sit in soiled underwear, no matter what the staff did, children who couldn't sit down at all, children who would intentionally cause trouble and all these children apparently had terrible parents just like child 4's birth parents and he was lucky to now be with us! I was so shocked that I couldn't comment, this man had already written off child 4's parents as well as all the parents in his daughters school as uneducated, likely drug or alcohol dependent and deserving of losing their children. It may well have been that child 4's parents were indeed unable to keep him safe, it may be that their parenting fell short of good enough parenting. But he doesn't know child 4's story or the story of his parents. I have learnt over the last 3 years that preconceived  judgements are the most damaging. People have their own stories to tell and without walking in their shoes we really can have no comprehension of what has happened to them or why their stories shape how they behave. I have compassion for my youngest child's birth mother, We met his parents before he moved in with us and the knowledge I left with filled me with sorrow, a young girl full of self doubt, attachment issues herself and no support network, a girl searching for a happy ending desperate to be loved but unable to see that she is looking in the wrong places. This meeting opened my eyes to the need for compassion and support for those not good enough parents, I make a conscious effort to not judge but it's certainly not easy especially when you are aware of the damage some birth parents cause their children.. Our adoption story so far has definitely not been the traumatic story that others have had so perhaps it's easier for me to be compassionate.

I guess I should wonder what about his history, education or fears made him so quick to judge these parents (and children) so harshly, why was he so interested in the behaviours and not the causes of those behaviours.

Interestingly later that day, a friend I was with said that she has kind of forgotten that child 4 is adopted, she remembered the other day that he was and that highlighted how he just was the baby of our family. That comment was the highlight of my week.

Pro-active Parenting

The first day of school was an inset day for child 3 and 4. Well kind of as child 4 is at pre school, anyway whilst my two youngest enjoyed their last day of freedom I was in school with both my governor and adoptive parent hats on taking part in the attachment training I have been going on about for the last two years. Two county education psychologists had joined the teaching staff (including the TA's, NOT the lunchtime assistants unfortunately, but hey one mountain at a time) to talk about how the brain forms, attachment theory, and how difficult it is for children who have not made strong attachments to achieve in schools. I am sure that many parents like myself who have hoovered up as much knowledge as possible about why attachment issues occur and what we can do to help would find the training provided by council to be pretty basic but watching how the staff reacted was fascinating if not worrying.

The psychologists only had 3 hours and in that time they shared the basics about the brain using the famous comparative photo of the Romanian child brain and the healthy 3 year old brain,

 they explained attachment and the basics of attachment theory, introducing us to Heather Geddes, Mary Ainsworth, John Bowlby, Margot Sunderland and Daniel Hughes. But, It was the activities that filled me with hope and gratitude, I became aware that everyone around the room was beginning to "get it" 

We were put into small groups and were given cards explaining the hardships a child named Billie suffered, each was different, domestic abuse, neglect and so on. Each group then discussed how Billie would grow up thinking about herself, thinking about how her parents viewed her and the strategies she would use to cope and survive. Another exercise was a list of why is ........ Constantly turning around in class, always exploding during maths or spellings, in trouble in the playground or frequently telling lies and we had to match them with maybe because early loss especially of caregivers leaves children with difficulties distinguishing between fact and fantasy, danger comes from behind or he finds it hard to make mistakes or be wrong.  Every group were enthusiastic in involving themselves in each task, sharing ideas and really thinking about the children in their classes and perhaps how they could ease their days in school just by placing them at the back of the class or supporting them more in the playground. And when I said I had three hours of my hero Dan Hughes on DVD talking attachment that I was willing to LEND out if anyone wanted to watch, I was over the moon when two people asked to borrow it. 

I left not necessarily impressed with the training but with how the staff were so open to considering attachment issues and what they could do to help. It was worth every conversation, every meeting and every knock back.

Maybe child 4 is going to be ok when he gets into school. 😄