The Eye of the Beholder

Sometimes we can just get it wrong. There is no malicious intent but our pre conceived ideas and judgments mean that we misunderstand a situation or think that we know the reason for a Behaviour without actually asking.

Earlier this week after school drop off, child 4 was scootering in the skateboard park. 9am is a good time for him to use the equipment as the majority of the local teenagers are in school. Whilst I stood watching him, occasionally with my heart in my mouth as he navigated the highest and steepest slides  a chap from our parish was out walking his dog and stopped for a chat. He commented on how brave and confident our youngest child was and it was lovely to see that he wasn't clingy anymore.

Hmm my first confusion, child 4 has never, ever been clingy - nope he tends to be completely independent. He didn't even cry when he first joined us, we had to teach him that it was ok to ask for help if he hurt himself, kissing his hurts better and cuddling him when he did tumble. Very occasionally these days he will snuggle in or hold me in a death grip if he doesn't want to do something. 

This was followed up by tales of his daughter who had taught in an inner city primary school, where the school was full of children who were difficult to manage, there was a child who would sit in soiled underwear, no matter what the staff did, children who couldn't sit down at all, children who would intentionally cause trouble and all these children apparently had terrible parents just like child 4's birth parents and he was lucky to now be with us! I was so shocked that I couldn't comment, this man had already written off child 4's parents as well as all the parents in his daughters school as uneducated, likely drug or alcohol dependent and deserving of losing their children. It may well have been that child 4's parents were indeed unable to keep him safe, it may be that their parenting fell short of good enough parenting. But he doesn't know child 4's story or the story of his parents. I have learnt over the last 3 years that preconceived  judgements are the most damaging. People have their own stories to tell and without walking in their shoes we really can have no comprehension of what has happened to them or why their stories shape how they behave. I have compassion for my youngest child's birth mother, We met his parents before he moved in with us and the knowledge I left with filled me with sorrow, a young girl full of self doubt, attachment issues herself and no support network, a girl searching for a happy ending desperate to be loved but unable to see that she is looking in the wrong places. This meeting opened my eyes to the need for compassion and support for those not good enough parents, I make a conscious effort to not judge but it's certainly not easy especially when you are aware of the damage some birth parents cause their children.. Our adoption story so far has definitely not been the traumatic story that others have had so perhaps it's easier for me to be compassionate.

I guess I should wonder what about his history, education or fears made him so quick to judge these parents (and children) so harshly, why was he so interested in the behaviours and not the causes of those behaviours.

Interestingly later that day, a friend I was with said that she has kind of forgotten that child 4 is adopted, she remembered the other day that he was and that highlighted how he just was the baby of our family. That comment was the highlight of my week.

Pro-active Parenting

The first day of school was an inset day for child 3 and 4. Well kind of as child 4 is at pre school, anyway whilst my two youngest enjoyed their last day of freedom I was in school with both my governor and adoptive parent hats on taking part in the attachment training I have been going on about for the last two years. Two county education psychologists had joined the teaching staff (including the TA's, NOT the lunchtime assistants unfortunately, but hey one mountain at a time) to talk about how the brain forms, attachment theory, and how difficult it is for children who have not made strong attachments to achieve in schools. I am sure that many parents like myself who have hoovered up as much knowledge as possible about why attachment issues occur and what we can do to help would find the training provided by council to be pretty basic but watching how the staff reacted was fascinating if not worrying.

The psychologists only had 3 hours and in that time they shared the basics about the brain using the famous comparative photo of the Romanian child brain and the healthy 3 year old brain,

 they explained attachment and the basics of attachment theory, introducing us to Heather Geddes, Mary Ainsworth, John Bowlby, Margot Sunderland and Daniel Hughes. But, It was the activities that filled me with hope and gratitude, I became aware that everyone around the room was beginning to "get it" 

We were put into small groups and were given cards explaining the hardships a child named Billie suffered, each was different, domestic abuse, neglect and so on. Each group then discussed how Billie would grow up thinking about herself, thinking about how her parents viewed her and the strategies she would use to cope and survive. Another exercise was a list of why is ........ Constantly turning around in class, always exploding during maths or spellings, in trouble in the playground or frequently telling lies and we had to match them with maybe because early loss especially of caregivers leaves children with difficulties distinguishing between fact and fantasy, danger comes from behind or he finds it hard to make mistakes or be wrong.  Every group were enthusiastic in involving themselves in each task, sharing ideas and really thinking about the children in their classes and perhaps how they could ease their days in school just by placing them at the back of the class or supporting them more in the playground. And when I said I had three hours of my hero Dan Hughes on DVD talking attachment that I was willing to LEND out if anyone wanted to watch, I was over the moon when two people asked to borrow it. 

I left not necessarily impressed with the training but with how the staff were so open to considering attachment issues and what they could do to help. It was worth every conversation, every meeting and every knock back.

Maybe child 4 is going to be ok when he gets into school. 😄

On a positive note

I've not been about much, summer holidays, sibling rivalry, constant supervision requirements, BAAF, Kids Company etc, etc. sometimes it is so very easy to get caught up in the negative stuff and as I try to always write with a positive note I have for the last couple of weeks chosen not to write. What would I share, my angst about holidays, rain, no routine, pleasing everyone - no chance or perhaps I could think up some positive thoughts about the closure of BAAF and Kids Company - well I just haven't been in the mood.

At last though, it seems the sun has come out and I have been thinking about the joys of adoption and there are some honest. In fact there are loads.

We adopted because we, well I always wanted to, three children weren't enough, my husband is probably praying that four is!😜 in truth I love having a house full of noise, obviously I prefer laughter but sometimes noise is enough, I love dinner times despite the occasional drama and door slam, I love curling up with a child to cuddle and to watch a movie, share a story or even try and snooze. I love picnics, tree climbing, walking the dog, visits to the park, the woods and the beach. I love baking, making science and painting. I really, really love my kids.

We have been to a zoo, a farm, a safari. We have played in the woods and on the beach. We have picnicked in the sun and under a huge tree when it rained. We have made playdough, moon sand, a volcano and painted pictures.

 We have collected snails and spiders (some of which have escaped in the house aaaarrgh). We have met our neighbours new puppy and watched baby orangutan play with their keeper. We have watched weddings and met some Daleks. Child 1 returned home from her Borneo expedition safe, sound and full of excitement, she already has a job and is saving for her next trip. Child 2 has stepped into the breech she left when she was away. He is growing up. Child 3 is baking fairy cakes and making her own cups of tea, she has been loving her holiday gymnastic club and showing fantastic abilities. Child 4 has been enjoying life.

I must remember to read this post next time I am feeling low or struggling with the bickering, the throwing, the punching, biting and hair pulling. Because in reality life is good.

Letterbox Connection

From day one I have been a massive advocate for contact, I believe in the importance of our children having some contact with their birth families. All children need to know their roots, what they choose to do with that information is for them to decide, although I pray that they will involve us, so that we can support them when the time comes.

At the very beginning of our adoption journey I thought that contact would be easy, just a couple of letters a year and child 4 would have a link to his roots. I didn't really think about the impact on me. For me, the writing of the letters was easy, I would write about child 4's favourite books, songs, TV programmes. I would share his achievements and milestones. I wrote about visits to the farm, his love of animals especially the ones we own. We would make pictures to share using his handprints and footprints so that they could see how he had grown. A chicken with a handprint for her crown, a dinosaur based on his hand prints. Child 4 would decorate the carefully hand written pages with crayon and I would feel like we had done a good job. But then we would wait for their response. The first couple of letters were full of anger, sorrow and loss and it was relatively easy for me to read them, the untidy, grammatically incorrect letters full of spelling mistakes, inappropriate language and confusion. those first letters supported the need for child 4 to be removed and then placed with us, in a way it gave me the higher ground on justifying the need for adoption. But, now the letters are more coherent, this couple are becoming more grounded and although in some ways I am pleased, I am not callous enough to want them to suffer more than they already have but, in all honesty I prefered those initial disconnected ramblings.

As child 4 grows, he will be able to read all these letters, I have copies of what we have sent and have kept all the responses, I feel that he would understand better that there was no choice but adoption when he reads those first letters but as he reads the later ones will he question why he was taken into care and then "placed" with us. In some ways I hope that they will stop responding or they will revert to anger and despondency.  I will continue to write but if they didn't write back or if their letters became full of Resentment I will once again take the higher ground.

I know I am being selfish, unjust and downright mean but he is now mine, I guess I don't really want to share him, although I really do understand that there is no choice, I have to take this on the chin, I kind of knew what we were getting into, I just had a rose tinted view of it. It is so important to put child 4's needs first, it is important for him to know that his birth parents love him and that he understands that they just couldn't keep him safe. But that doesn't stop me worrying. On one hand I worry that they may stop writing making him feel that they didn't care enough, on the other that they won't stop and he will ask why he had to be snatched away from them in the first place. I guess that I have just realised that no matter what he is the loser and I love him yet can't protect him from what has already happened I just have to hold his hand and be with him when the time comes for him to make sense of it all.

Attachment Aware Schools

A couple of weeks ago I was fortunate enough to attend a conference held at Bath Spa University on Attachment and Trauma in Schools. the university along with Bath and North East Somerset County Council have been working together to create attachment aware schools. It was wonderful to listen to the speakers share their passion about the importance of attachment and how schools can help.

Having learnt about the importance of  attachment and how trauma in children affects their learning and emotional growth during our adoption preparation, I have gone on to actively seek out as much information as I can, reading books such as The Primal Wound, Bubble Wrapped Children and the Science of Parenting I have sought out media articles that highlight the new research investigating how trauma can have a huge impact on the develpoment of children in our society. I have attended therapeutic parenting courses run by followers of Dan Hughes and I have tried and tried to share that knowledge with those around me, particularily in school. I have found the lack of interest or desire in teachers to even give much more than a cursory glance my way disheartening. And I honestly believe that this is because I am viewed as "just" a mum, who is over protective of her youngest child. So I now back every theory I share with specific research to show that it's not me just talking rubbish.

Whilst on the conference I found that my basic background knowledge into trauma was far superior to the many teachers, school leaders and teacher assistants who attended. I have a better grasp of how the brain develops and why some children struggle in school. With the knowledge I also understand that for our traumatised children to achieve in school we need to change how we talk to them. I was shocked and saddened that all the research and knowledge that is only a few clicks away using the Internet is pretty much unknown by many of those who are working in our education system.

When I listened to those who have heard, who have understood, share their stories of success in helping children  in schools using therapeutic methods and emotion training I felt that the sun had come out but, it's not happening everywhere, this conference was shouting from the roof tops about "Play, Love, Acceptance,Curiosity and Empathy" it was showing that these new methods were changing lives. In Stoke On Trent an area full of children living in poverty, a council who have suffered huge financial cut backs have by using therapeutic methods reduced Behaviour incidents by 80%, violence in schools by 50% and have not permanently excluded a looked after child in the last 6 years. Absolutely EVERYONE who talked about attachment and supporting children with that as the central theme talked positively.

Tony Clifford shared a wonderful analogy. If a child comes into school with a nut allergy, every member of staff, including the lunch time staff will be trained in what to do in the event that the child comes into contact with nuts and parents will be asked not to send any nut related products in lunch boxes. Schools have the same responsibility to look after traumatised children, these children will be the runners and if they do go into flight mode nothing will keep them in a school setting, not fences or gates and if they can get out then they are at as much risk as the child with a nut allergy.

We need our schools to understand the importance in using new ways of educating children, they are not all the same and we HAVE to ensure that they feel safe before we can look at academia. The government are certainly aware that there are issues, which is why all looked after children are eligible to claim pupil premium and the new adoption fund has been released to support traumatised children should they need it. None of this will help our children achieve their potential if our educators don't understand trauma or worse don't realise that it exists. It still remains for the parents to educate them and I am finding that really really hard.

Child 1's tortoise analogy

Once upon a time a girl bought a tortoise for her mum, her mum didn't know how to look after a tortoise so she took it into work, a school where she was a science teacher and she asked if the school would take on the responsibility. The school said yes and for a couple of years they housed the tortoise, they gave her a name and they gave her lots of love and attention. But as she grew the school realised that they could not take care of her, they could not keep her safe, where she lived was not a good environment, during the holidays she was sent from pillar to post, passed from one carer to the next. Sometimes she was looked after well other times it was not so good. Many of those she came in to contact with did not know or understand the care that she required. The school recognised that they could no longer look after her so they hunted out a family that could take care of her. A family who learnt all about how to take care of a tortoise, a family that made a special place for her to live, a family that found out about tortoise groups and contacted people who knew how to take care of a tortoise so that they could keep her safe and looked after.

We are that family, we have taken on a 3 year old horsfield Tortoise called Marigold. We have build her a safe but fun outdoor enclosure and bought a large crate for indoors. We have read up how to take good care of her and have found a number of people who know how to look after her. We know what her favourite foods are, we have learnt how to bath her, we know how to keep her safe and we are all falling in love with her. She is quicker than you would expect, she tries to escape, she loves Kale and dandelions and she loves her bath, she is a right little character and she belongs to child 4.

Marigold is not to blame for her unsettled start in life and she has settled into our home very quickly, providing much entertainment for us all.

Maybe, just maybe understanding his very exciting pet and her history will help child 4 understand that he is lovable and deserving of a family that can look after him.

#The best bits

For me there are three types of best bits, the bits that make my heart swell just because they are joyful, those that fill my eyes because they are just normal and I feel relief and those that make me appreciate life.

Having children is joyful. Feeding the duckerlings and the cyganets, chortling laughter when we jump in puddles, family days to the beach, the Secret Garden or the zoo. Splashing in the bath, bouncing on the trampoline, making cakes and cutting out biscuits are just to name a few.

Having three birth children has really highlighted the difference in some behaviours exhibited by adopted children, so when child 4 suddenly does something the older three always did naturally, well that's a best bit. - when child 4 first came every woman was called mummy until one day I became mummy and everyone else became Jan (our social workers name), the first time he cried because he hurt himself, at first he never cried, so, as a family we would always kiss his hurt better and give him a hug even though he made it very clear he didn't want us too. Now he sometimes cries when he hurts himself.  After months of asking when he was going home he told my mum and dad "this is where my home is" when they dropped him back to us.


As I finish this child 3 and 4 are asleep in their beds, child 1 is out at an end of exams party and child 2 is watching TV. The house is quiet and calm and I have an enormous cup of hot tea. Perfect, the best bit of almost every day.