Internet Safety Day

Today is the 11th worldwide Internet Safety Day

  "Let's create a better internet together"

Schools, radio, TV and social media have been discussing the importance of being safe on the internet and how we can protect our children from the hidden dangers a computer and it's technology can introduce into our lives.
I am sure that most responsible parents have the safety filters already loaded on the computers within their homes, but this is not enough to protect our children when so many of them have smart phones, IPods, tablets and laptops and of course they probably understand how to use them better than we do. 
Our children will probably make many of the same mistakes that we made whilest growing up, after all a teenager is still a teenager, the hormone changes are the same, the interest in fashion, music and sex will for all intents and purpose be the same, however in today's age of technology, gossip spreads quicker, where we used to talk about those youngsters having sex, getting drunk, sharing a "jazz mag" or just being rebellious in huddles in the loos or corners of the playground, this information is now available to all via social websites, photographic evidence can be spread from one corner of the world to another just by a few clicks of a button and pornography can be found and viewed with relative ease. 

I have previously talked about the research done regarding the teenage brain "Why are we not enough" October 9 2013.  We need to remember that our teenagers tend to use the back part of their brains the most, that's the bit that focuses on pleasure and reward, interestingly brain image research carried out by Powell showed that the reward had to be medium to large, for any brain activity to show, if the rewards were small the brain often did not show any activity on image scans at all. The front part, the prefrontal cortex which is where they think about cause and effect or the consequences of their actions is still maturing, in fact this part of the brain doesn't reach it's optimum until early 20's. 

Let's put teenage brains in contact with social media, that is they are in front of a screen and not a live person and we expect them to behave as a fully mature adult - what a foolish expectation, of course they are going to make mistakes. Often it is not the mistake that is the biggest problem but how they deal with that mistake. Who do they go to for help and support or do they try and deal with it themselves, alone because they are embarrassed.

All this is happening whilst they are figuring out who they are, where do they fit in. Imagine trying to work through this when you are adopted. These questions can become much more complex when they cannot link their identity biologically to their adoptive parents. What if they like to be outside exploring, playing rugby or enjoy heavy metal music when their home environment is full of dancers, jazz and book worms. Then when they look at their birth parents and they see drug addiction, alcoholism, neglect and domestic abuse. The confusion potentially could be so damaging and this could be lived through social media.

Today as I listened to radio 4 - Woman's Hour, You and Yours and Radio 1 5.45pm news report on Internet safety we all seem to focus on protecting our children, I agree wholeheartedly that we must protect our children but just as importantly we must educate them to be able to protect themselves. We are at a disadvantage as we have not experienced teenage life with technology so maybe we need to provide them with the tools to be safe and the support when they get it wrong.

What is a kiss?

There is a famous story of a baby whom upon hearing all the grand plans his mother has for him, flies out of the window away to Kensington Gardens, where he hides and amuses the fairies. Eventually, he misses his mother but when he returns home he finds his bedroom window shut and a new baby boy in his crib and so with a broken heart he returns to the gardens and collects up all the other lost boys. We can only assume that Tinkerbell was one of the fairies that he amused as she showed him the way to Neverland. Thus starting one of the most famous stories about abandoned children.  Peter isn't enticed back into a family home until the novel Peter Pan and Wendy when he watches the Darling family, Wendy in particular through a bedroom window. He manages to lose his shadow and from there every child and every child that grew up knows the adventure that is Peter Pan.

When Peter Pan asked Wendy what a kiss was she gave him a thimble and he gave an acorn in return.    Peter having been in Neverland since he was tiny had forgotten what a kiss was and Wendy, who had offered him the kiss didn't want to hurt his feelings or pride when she realised that he didn't know what a kiss was, hence the thimble.

Whilst children are in foster care they are not allowed to share their foster carers bed, bath etc. intimate parent, child interaction is not really encouraged, possibly to help avoid a traumatic separation later, for older children it could be because of abuse and of course rules are always in place  to protect all parties within the foster home. However once children are adopted close human interaction, hugs, cuddles and gentle touch is advised and encouraged. These children understandably don't understand what this interaction is for or why we do it.

When child 4 arrived he never looked for physical interaction, even when he fell over he didn't cry or look for someone to make his hurts better. We spend so much time encouraging him to take comfort in someone's arms, when we watch TV we sit him on our laps, we carry and cuddle him, we bring him into our bed for his morning bottle, we bath him with child 3, we share touchy feely nursery rhymes, we tickle and play fight on the floor. And it is now paying off. He holds his arms up, a lot asking for a hug, when asked he kisses sorry and goodnight. But today was amazing, after I put him down for his afternoon nap, he called me back to his cot because HE wanted a kiss, a real kiss not a thimble or an acorn, a kiss. X

Education, schmeducation

Our education system is in the press a lot at the moment, Michael Gove is talking about about changing so many things. He wants children in some form of structured education from the age of 2, he is pushing the academy system out to as many schools as possible, he wants there to be no difference between a private or state school, he is looking at the curriculum, he wants more rigorous testing, entrance exams and wishes to extend the school day and shorten school holidays.
http://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/feb/04/education-manifesto-michael-gove

Free nursery care is already available for children in care or for parents on benefits from the age of two because there are concerns about their social and academic skills. It is hoped that providing a form of structured play will help these children to have a strong start in education. This is going to be rolled out for all children soon, not for the best interests of the children but to encourage mothers back into the workplace.
Academies whilest good for some schools, especially the secondary sector is not what is necessarily the best option for all schools. Rural primary schools will probably not benefit at all.
I am sure that those parents who pay substantial amounts of money for their children's education will no longer feel the need to if state schools can offer the same and not cost anything, however I am not sure how the state system that has far less money to spend on each child than the private sector will be able to achieve this demand.
More rigorous testing and entrance exams will not help any children except those that fall into the criteria of the testing, we are all very different, bringing different talents and gifts to life, not all of them have to be about algebra.

After listening to You and Yours on radio 4 earlier this week about holidaying during term time, I can't see how a narrow view on extending school hours and reducing holiday time will help our children.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b03srrsr

Why is it necessary to change so much and is this what our society should be striving for.  For me, I want change but it needs to be evolving with our world not stagnating. My children won't thrive in an education that expects them all to be the same. They need to be able to try new and different things, learn about everything not just Pi, Shakespeare and the Periodic table. They need to find and hone their own gifts and talents, they need to spend really good, quality time with their family and their community, enjoying the art of giving time, playing games, learning respect and loving those around them.

In the possible future education system my children will spend their mornings in nursery instead of going on walks with me, baking with me, doing arty crafty stuff with me or building marble runs with me. They will then have their type of education, based on entrance exams at a young age, when they were still in the explore and experience stage of life not the ready to sit and write stage, a narrower curriculum potentially means losing the more arty, creative subjects, forcing the imaginative, inspirational and creative children to fit into classes where they cannot achieve their potential. Longer school days will mean less opportunities to attend after school activities where the creative could have an opportunity to thrive and shorter holidays will make it all the harder for all those working parents to take time off during holiday time to spend time with their children.

What will our society in reality become?

Have faith in your dreams.

I know, I know I keep on and on about our children having the trust and courage to follow their dreams and that is why I love watching them on the stage. It was child 2 and 3's drama showcase on Saturday. Child 2 was in Harry Potter the musical, harmonised with his peers " Fix You" and strutted his stuff in a white gangster suit through a prohibition style rendition of "That Man" And child 3 stole the show, for me at least as one of the orphans in "Annie"

I sometimes think that I am in the minority of parents in that I honestly want my children to find a career that makes them happy, I know that lots of parents say they want their children to be happy but how many of those same parents encourage their children to follow academic routes through education instead of allowing them choice. I know some children have no desire what so ever to study creative subjects like drama, dance, art or music, interestingly no one comments about that other than to say "clever children" but, I am sure many children would love to let their creativity out only to be told that those are fluffy subjects, that won't help you with a career or choose one as your easy exam.

How many of us view salary as the marker of success??

For me if I could have found that career, the one I knew I really wanted I hope that I would have been brave enough to follow that dream......... Do you know what? Sitting here typing that I think what did I / do I want to do and do you know what for me it was motherhood, hmm not exciting to some, not career minded enough to others. After all there is no salary, no kudos, no company car or pension or health benefits just huge payments in love!

The merits of a merit certificate

My two girls came home from school yesterday each clutching certificates in their hands. Child 1 has achieved her level 1 in sports leadership. This is through JSLA, Junior Sports Leadership achievement and is earned by over 14s visiting local primary schools introducing sports and physical activities with the children, giving them the opportunity to show and learn leadership skills, volunteering and developing interpersonal skills for later life. Child 3 had received a merit award at school for her version  of Fantastic Mr Fox. She used funny adjectives, good verbs, adverbs and grammar.

Both of them were really proud, desperate to show off their achievements to me.  In fact child 3 wanted to share the joy of receiving a merit certificate so made us one.

This form of rewarding accomplishment ties in with my idea of positive parenting, it focuses on what the children can do.

 I am currently reading Fingerpainting in Psych Class by Jay Morgen which is all about "conscious parenting"

Conscious Parenting is not a set of rules for parents to follow, but a set of beliefs about what children need to develop and thrive. 

She has provided me with some fascinating insights into the way we bring up our children. In one of the early chapters she talks of her experiences in dealing with "difficult"teenagers whilest working in a treatment centre. She was what they call working the floor, she was there to supervise and implement good behaviours. The school aimed to work at a 3 to 1 ratio, that is 3 positive comments to every negative one. Sounds easy, but these children were not like mine they were all out of control and Jay was so busy preventing the children from killing each other that she found it almost impossible to find behaviour that she could positively quote on. After working there for about three weeks she gave up on looking for 100% positive behaviour, instead looked for anything remotely positive and would jump on it. The children began too realise that she was watching them and instead of focussing on the bad she talked about what they were attempting to do well, slowly the children's behaviour improved.  Transforming this into our parenting can only be good for our children, if they see themselves as worthy individuals they will become worthy individuals. This in turn links I n with my theory on labelling, our children become what we label them, so if we constantly tell them they are naughty. bad, rude,  rubbish, stupid and so on that is what they become on the flip side if we tell them they are good, intelligent, funny, loved them this is what they will become.

The other morning my husband and I tried to only use postive language and I was surprised as to how often we slipped into speaking negatively to our children (- try it, it's not as easy as you would think.) Yet for the majority of the time our children are fantastic. We seem to focus on the small percentage of time that they misbehave instead of the abundance of  good behaviour that is part of every day life.   Putting this into a working adults perspective is this not like our boss / line manager  at annual review time focussing on the one or two things we have fallen short on rather than the many things we have been successful at.  Yes we need to be aware when things go wrong, we have to learn how to put them right but we should also celebrate all the situations  that we did it right.

Resentment

I listened to an amazing lady on radio 4's Womans  Hour yesterday Avril Head who has 3 biological children, 2 adopted children and has fostered many others. I think it would be great to hear more of these stories, especially if it would highlight the positive aspects of adopting, especially for those who already have children.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b03s6zm6

I was struck though by Jane Garvey's question regarding resentment of birth children towards adopted children. "Do your birth children resent their adopted siblings?"  When we first informed close family about our decision to adopt, one member was very concerned about resentment. It's funny but you don't often hear about resentment when having another baby, rivalry and jealousy are often mentioned, but not so much resentment.
At  no point during any of our preparation for adoption, did I consider resentment as an issue. Jealousy, rivalry, yes but not resentment. I asked child 1 if she felt any resentment towards child 4, we had to look up its exact meaning before she was happy to answer.

RESENT

to feel angry because you have been forced to accept someone or something that you do not likefeel bitterness or indignation at (a circumstance, action, or person)

The answer was categorically NO. Annoyed, cross, frustrated at times but no more than she does with her other siblings. Sometimes she wishes she was an only child but never any specific resentment to any of her brothers or sister. We both agreed that the word resent was actually quite aggressive, "forced" "bitterness" both quite strong and hard words and not ones we would use when discussing our children.

I think that our children have shown a huge capacity to love, they took child 4 in as a brother from day 1, they protect him when he needs looking after, but they are just as quick to let him know when he annoys them. 

We need to educate all around us about the positive aspects of adding another through adoption, if we can remove the fear of resentment may be more people would consider opening their hearts and homes to a child in need. We just need to trust in our capacity to love.

Are schools destroying creativity

A friend sent me a link to a TED talk this week by Sir Ken Robinson about how not only our education system, but many systems around the world are potentially destroying the creativity of the next generation. He talks about the increase of ADHD using a story about Gillian Lynne the amazing dancer who choreographed Cats and many other shows to warn us of the danger in expecting all our children to  learn the same way and if they can't we often look to labeling them with medical reasons as to why they cannot sit still and then medicating them to fit in with how society expects them to behave. He shares his concerns of how society looks at academia being the most important part of educating our children, with the more creative subjects such as art, music, drama and dance being seen as second class. In fact in one of his clips there is a picture of children on a conveyer belt being fed into a factory style school when they emerge they either head towards a large money box entitled GDP or the arts and a dustbin.
http://new.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity

Throughout our adoption training, the speakers talked about how different adopted children are from birth children, how, because of their backgrounds they will need different parenting and different support throughout their formative years and potentially beyond. I don't think that this means we should be labelling these children in any way, they should be seen as children, just like my birth children. Yes they may have different behavioural issues and require different help at home and school but they need to have the same encouragement and expectations to be successful in what they choose to do.

 As a family we have a creative streak, our children all seem to gravitate to the stage, be it drama, dance, music or gymnastics. We encourage them to be who they want to be, to study what makes them happy, to enjoy what they do. I believe that it is their creativity that will help them find happiness throughout their lives, it may not earn them millions but life is not about money it's about living!