Yesterday when I went to put child 4 down for his nap, he started to cry, he doesn't often cry and we had been out at a mother and toddler group all morning so I am positive that he was tired. He did drop off to sleep for about 15 minutes in his buggy on the way home, but that usually doesn't effect his nap time. So I was torn, all the adoption training we did taught us never to leave an adopted child to cry because they had probably been "abandoned" in this way in the past. Yet in our case our little man is unlikely to have been neglected in this way, because he was removed at a few weeks old and had been in foster care until we added him to our family.
I was tempted to leave him for a few minutes as I had a million things that needed doing and nap time is quite literally the only time I get each day to get stuff done. His tears however touched my heart and I lifted him up for a cuddle and that was that, no nap!
This of course meant that by 5pm he was a nightmare, he was so tired that he did not know what he wanted and the tantruming, clinging and crying drove us all mad.
His social worker popped in, in the afternoon and when I explained what happened she too thought that leaving him for a few minutes probably wouldn't do any lasting harm.
I am finding that my head and heart are full of so many mixed messages at the moment and sometimes I think that I look for issues that aren't there. It is so hard to distance yourself when you are so emotionally involved. I worry that I may spoil my youngest son too much and on the other hand I worry that I don't give him enough time and love to teach and build the relationship he should have naturally with his parents.
In reality all parenting is trial and error, if he is tired then perhaps leaving him to cry for a few minutes (maybe just 5, no doubt very long minutes ) is ok. I guess I'll just have to see how things go tomorrow!
Saturday, 23 November 2013
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Christmas is coming
Child 4 had his first stir of the Christmas pudding tradition in our house today. I know that it's not quite stir up Sunday but we are off to my sisters on Sunday and I make her a Christmas pudding each year, so stir up Sunday became whisk up Wednesday. Not that you can really whisk up 4lb of dried fruit, Guinness and this year, because I have run out of brandy! Cointreau.
The tradition in our house is for everyone to stir the pudding mix and make a wish before I decant it into pudding bowls to be steamed in Bain Marie's overnight. The smell we will wake up to for the next three days is Christmas. You know the feeling you get when watching family Christmas movies this is exactly what our house smells like.
I often wonder what they all wish for, is it world peace or the end of famine, an IPad, a Furby, a win on the lottery or maybe a home and a family for life.
We are all so lucky in our household, it is a house full of love, laughter, noise and often disputes. As I stir I wish for many years of wishing and stirring with my children and sometime in the future, the distant future, I might add, their children.
The tradition in our house is for everyone to stir the pudding mix and make a wish before I decant it into pudding bowls to be steamed in Bain Marie's overnight. The smell we will wake up to for the next three days is Christmas. You know the feeling you get when watching family Christmas movies this is exactly what our house smells like.
I often wonder what they all wish for, is it world peace or the end of famine, an IPad, a Furby, a win on the lottery or maybe a home and a family for life.
We are all so lucky in our household, it is a house full of love, laughter, noise and often disputes. As I stir I wish for many years of wishing and stirring with my children and sometime in the future, the distant future, I might add, their children.
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
How to catch a chicken
The last couple of days traumas and tribulations have left me exhausted, ragged but contentedly happy. This morning child 4 wanted to help with making the packed lunches. Firstly we made up daddy's cheese sandwich, as I grated the cheese he was scooping it off the bread and stuffing it in his mouth, then I rolled up a ham wrap for child 2 and cut it in half on an angle so that it looked posh but as I turned to grab the cling film my little helper took a sneaky bite, destroying my lovely clean cut edge with toddler teeth imprints. No longer did we have an artistically prepared wrap, rather a stunted one. Finally after buttering child 1's bread he leant over and licked the butter off. I have to admit that I just spread over a bit more butter added the cheese and cut them into little squares and put them in the lunch box- surely they all share the same germs by now?????
Just as a side, child 1 made the lunches for the first time on Sunday night! She is very, very particular about her sandwiches, at the moment she likes finely grated cheese sandwiches, no crusts and on occasion for them to be cut into flower or star shapes. Funnily enough on Sunday everyone including her had ham made with a bit of slap and dash!!!!!!
Food shopping is a very noisy affair, child 4 must have been very noisy today because when we finally made it to the checkout two members of staff materialised to entertain him - or rather I think he entertained them.
Allowing him to free range is fantastic, until you actually need to aim in a specific direction. He has the art of falling to the floor, either holding his body rigid or going completely limp if I want him to journey with me rather than the other way around. Putting him into a buggy or car seat when he wants to be doing something else is noisy and near on impossible.
But then, I watch him trying to catch a chicken in an old children's fishing net. We cuddle up with a book on the sofa before bed. He dunks his cow biscuit in my tea, leaving those soggy biscuity bits in the bottom. And when I came home from Christmas shopping yesterday he ran to meet me arms outstretched calling "mummy!"
Just as a side, child 1 made the lunches for the first time on Sunday night! She is very, very particular about her sandwiches, at the moment she likes finely grated cheese sandwiches, no crusts and on occasion for them to be cut into flower or star shapes. Funnily enough on Sunday everyone including her had ham made with a bit of slap and dash!!!!!!
Food shopping is a very noisy affair, child 4 must have been very noisy today because when we finally made it to the checkout two members of staff materialised to entertain him - or rather I think he entertained them.
Allowing him to free range is fantastic, until you actually need to aim in a specific direction. He has the art of falling to the floor, either holding his body rigid or going completely limp if I want him to journey with me rather than the other way around. Putting him into a buggy or car seat when he wants to be doing something else is noisy and near on impossible.
But then, I watch him trying to catch a chicken in an old children's fishing net. We cuddle up with a book on the sofa before bed. He dunks his cow biscuit in my tea, leaving those soggy biscuity bits in the bottom. And when I came home from Christmas shopping yesterday he ran to meet me arms outstretched calling "mummy!"
Sunday, 17 November 2013
Tantrums and tiaras
And so the tantrums begin. Child 4 is obviously feeling very safe and secure as he now feels no concern about having a full on, lying on the floor, stamping his feet and shouting at the top of his voice temper tantrum every time that he does not get his own way. At home, in the car, in public in fact wherever he wants.
If he is tired, hungry or thirsty they seem to be triggered more easily, so he is behaving in a way most two year olds behave. The difference is that time out is not really an option for us. I have to say that although I am tired and a little frustrated with the number of tantrums we are having, I am not overly embarrassed or concerned, in fact sometimes I have to really work at not laughing. It's just that they are over the same disputes. Holding my hand when we cross a road, sitting down when he is drinking from a cup without a lid and climbing on the table are favourites this weekend. I will be interested to see how long he lasts before he recognises that I will win these battles and I will win them calmly.
It is so simple really, either hold my hand or sit in the buggy, sit with a drink or don't have one and just give up climbing on the table.
My patience however does not seem quite so unlimited with child 3 who this weekend constantly pressed those buttons and pushed her boundaries. I thought that we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but it must have been a mirage. In probability she is tired after a couple of late nights and now that fireworks, carnival and a Dads birthday are over the Christmas excitement begins. Hopefully life will settle again this week and the screeching and stomping will ease off!!!
If he is tired, hungry or thirsty they seem to be triggered more easily, so he is behaving in a way most two year olds behave. The difference is that time out is not really an option for us. I have to say that although I am tired and a little frustrated with the number of tantrums we are having, I am not overly embarrassed or concerned, in fact sometimes I have to really work at not laughing. It's just that they are over the same disputes. Holding my hand when we cross a road, sitting down when he is drinking from a cup without a lid and climbing on the table are favourites this weekend. I will be interested to see how long he lasts before he recognises that I will win these battles and I will win them calmly.
It is so simple really, either hold my hand or sit in the buggy, sit with a drink or don't have one and just give up climbing on the table.
My patience however does not seem quite so unlimited with child 3 who this weekend constantly pressed those buttons and pushed her boundaries. I thought that we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but it must have been a mirage. In probability she is tired after a couple of late nights and now that fireworks, carnival and a Dads birthday are over the Christmas excitement begins. Hopefully life will settle again this week and the screeching and stomping will ease off!!!
Saturday, 16 November 2013
Carnival
The last couple of weeks have been carnival time! For the last couple of years we have got together with friends for an early supper of chilli con carne, lasagna or sausages followed by a lush chocolate pudding all washed down with mulled wine then we wrap ourselves up in winter coats, scarves, hats, gloves and lots of pairs of socks and head off to the carnival route aiming for a spot that will give us a fantastic viewpoint of the many floats that will pass.
This year we were child 2 short, he was collecting money with the scouts but a new little man was with us.
A firework signals the beginning of the show which is made up of float after float covered in a million brightly lit bulbs, loud music and people attached with safety harnesses dancing in synchronisation. Tan tights are a favourite as are men in panto dame style outfits all raising money for local charities.
This was child 4's first carnival experience, in fact it was a first for visiting our friends house and a first meeting the husbands and children of these friends. He was absolutely fine, occasionally a little serious but, absolutely fine. He ate sausages and played with the other kids, he was happily bundled up and put in his buggy and was happy to sit on shoulders to watch all the amazing sights until his eyes became drowsy and he held out his arms for mummy, a cuddle and gradually dropping off to sleep, I placed him in his buggy where he fell asleep amongst all the noise and lights.
He, I think and hope had a marvellous time, he certainly seemed none the worse the following other than being tired. He seems to have slotted in with us as a family in no time.
This year we were child 2 short, he was collecting money with the scouts but a new little man was with us.
A firework signals the beginning of the show which is made up of float after float covered in a million brightly lit bulbs, loud music and people attached with safety harnesses dancing in synchronisation. Tan tights are a favourite as are men in panto dame style outfits all raising money for local charities.
This was child 4's first carnival experience, in fact it was a first for visiting our friends house and a first meeting the husbands and children of these friends. He was absolutely fine, occasionally a little serious but, absolutely fine. He ate sausages and played with the other kids, he was happily bundled up and put in his buggy and was happy to sit on shoulders to watch all the amazing sights until his eyes became drowsy and he held out his arms for mummy, a cuddle and gradually dropping off to sleep, I placed him in his buggy where he fell asleep amongst all the noise and lights.
He, I think and hope had a marvellous time, he certainly seemed none the worse the following other than being tired. He seems to have slotted in with us as a family in no time.
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
Disciplining an adopted child
Oh the advice I have received for dealing with an errant two year old who likes to throw things, when I say throw things I mean glasses, knives and forks, eggs, plates, bricks and so on. Not only does he have a mighty throwing arm but the accuracy of his aim is spot on. Now I would eventually love to have a world famous cricket bowler in the family but for now would prefer the throwing of inanimate objects to just be a tennis ball.
The supporters of our endeavours have been suggesting the naughty step or sent to the bedroom types of discipline and I have to say that thus worked marvellously well with my older three, however it has been shown that this type of parenting does not work for the adopted child.
Foremost in my mind is the fact that our child 4 has already in many ways been rejected or abandoned by those who looked after him, he was removed from birth mum at a few weeks old, then placed with foster carers who each time they went away on holiday would have left him with respite foster carers and then a few weeks before being placed with us there was a breakdown with his foster carers and he was placed in respite care for the weeks leading up to moving in to his new and permanent home. By placing him in time out I am highlighting rejection, this form of rejection with the older children is successful and not emotionally damaging because they are very secure in their loving environment. So how to discipline after all I cannot allow the throwing anything to hand to continue. Well, I am trying to enforce my will in many other ways, for example today he would not hold my hand to cross the road, so he continued his journey strapped into the buggy - much to his very vocal disgust I might add. Every time he climbs on the chairs or moves the chairs in the kitchen I lift him down and/or move the chairs back explaining why I am doing it. I am hoping that when he realises what No means (I know he already knows, he says it enough himself, but his no is obviously different to my no or so he thinks) the throwing will stop. Am I deluding myself? I have no idea and will update you in the future. I work on a six week turnaround so by Christmas fingers crossed the throwing will have stopped and I am sure that something new will start..........
Worth a read
Parenting Your Adopted Child (McGraw-Hill, 2004) by Andrew Adesman
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/adoption/nontraditional-families/45805.html#ixzz2kYuQXouI
The supporters of our endeavours have been suggesting the naughty step or sent to the bedroom types of discipline and I have to say that thus worked marvellously well with my older three, however it has been shown that this type of parenting does not work for the adopted child.
Foremost in my mind is the fact that our child 4 has already in many ways been rejected or abandoned by those who looked after him, he was removed from birth mum at a few weeks old, then placed with foster carers who each time they went away on holiday would have left him with respite foster carers and then a few weeks before being placed with us there was a breakdown with his foster carers and he was placed in respite care for the weeks leading up to moving in to his new and permanent home. By placing him in time out I am highlighting rejection, this form of rejection with the older children is successful and not emotionally damaging because they are very secure in their loving environment. So how to discipline after all I cannot allow the throwing anything to hand to continue. Well, I am trying to enforce my will in many other ways, for example today he would not hold my hand to cross the road, so he continued his journey strapped into the buggy - much to his very vocal disgust I might add. Every time he climbs on the chairs or moves the chairs in the kitchen I lift him down and/or move the chairs back explaining why I am doing it. I am hoping that when he realises what No means (I know he already knows, he says it enough himself, but his no is obviously different to my no or so he thinks) the throwing will stop. Am I deluding myself? I have no idea and will update you in the future. I work on a six week turnaround so by Christmas fingers crossed the throwing will have stopped and I am sure that something new will start..........
Worth a read
Parenting Your Adopted Child (McGraw-Hill, 2004) by Andrew Adesman
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/adoption/nontraditional-families/45805.html#ixzz2kYuQXouI
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
And so the Christmas advertising has begun! The Morrisons one made me smile, but the one that touches a cord with me is John Lewis. A simple thing, a little silver alarm clock made Christmas for the hare and the bear.
What, will make Christmas for you?
Our Christmas is likely to be a noisy excited affair, 4 children awaiting Father Christmas and Nanna, Randad and great Aunty Joan joining us for a traditional roast turkey dinner with all the trimmings. Presents will no doubt be numerous, gifts in all manner of shapes and sizes, beautifully wrapped in gorgeous paper and tied up with ribbons and bows. We, I know will be caught up with the gift giving as most of our society will. But, I hope that we will be very aware that it is our Christmas as a new family and that actually it's the simple things that create our greatest memories. How often have my memories been of the gift I was given? Certainly, not as often as the memories created by the feelings shared because of a special event. It's how we feel not the material gifts that form the basis of the best memories.
These start at the Christmas Eve mass, which we along with many of our friends and community will attend, squeezing into the freezing cold church, all wrapped up in warm coats, scarves, hats and gloves, so that we can be part of the Christmas Story that has been told for over 2000 years, our voices joining together in cheery renditions of favourite Christmas Carols. The kisses and hugs as we call a very merry Christmas to all as we leave to return home to hang the stockings and curl up in front of the fire with mulled wine, hot chocolate and a warm mince pie.
Of course everyone is spoilt with too many presents but for me it's about us all being together, sharing the excitement, a meal, champagne (or cava) walking the dog after lunch and collapsing in front of the fire for the late afternoon movie, Doctor Who and a tin of chocolates. Child 4 will now be part of these Christmas traditions and I am certain that he will have as many happy memories of Christmas over the years as I do.
What, will make Christmas for you?
Our Christmas is likely to be a noisy excited affair, 4 children awaiting Father Christmas and Nanna, Randad and great Aunty Joan joining us for a traditional roast turkey dinner with all the trimmings. Presents will no doubt be numerous, gifts in all manner of shapes and sizes, beautifully wrapped in gorgeous paper and tied up with ribbons and bows. We, I know will be caught up with the gift giving as most of our society will. But, I hope that we will be very aware that it is our Christmas as a new family and that actually it's the simple things that create our greatest memories. How often have my memories been of the gift I was given? Certainly, not as often as the memories created by the feelings shared because of a special event. It's how we feel not the material gifts that form the basis of the best memories.
These start at the Christmas Eve mass, which we along with many of our friends and community will attend, squeezing into the freezing cold church, all wrapped up in warm coats, scarves, hats and gloves, so that we can be part of the Christmas Story that has been told for over 2000 years, our voices joining together in cheery renditions of favourite Christmas Carols. The kisses and hugs as we call a very merry Christmas to all as we leave to return home to hang the stockings and curl up in front of the fire with mulled wine, hot chocolate and a warm mince pie.
Of course everyone is spoilt with too many presents but for me it's about us all being together, sharing the excitement, a meal, champagne (or cava) walking the dog after lunch and collapsing in front of the fire for the late afternoon movie, Doctor Who and a tin of chocolates. Child 4 will now be part of these Christmas traditions and I am certain that he will have as many happy memories of Christmas over the years as I do.
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