Bringing Baby Home

The plan for introducing child 4

Day1
2-4pm – Meet child 4 at the foster carers after the practical arrangements meeting and stay for 2 hours.  Child 4's social worker to be present at least initially.

Day 2
10am – 3pm – My husband and I spend time with child 4 at foster carers observing his routines including lunch and how he is put down for a nap.  We may take him to the nearby park with or without foster mum depending upon how child 4 feels.

Day 3
7.30am – 4pm – We spend time with child 4 at foster carers house observing breakfast routine and getting ready in the morning.  We will be involved in giving child 4 his lunch and assisting in putting him down for his nap.  We will have the opportunity to take him out for a walk to the park or a drive to a park/garden centre some time during the day.

Day 4
10am – 6pm  both of us and the children to spend the day at the foster  carers. We will be  more involved in child 4's care including bath time if possible.  We could take Him to the local park some time during the day.

Day 5
10am – 7pm - Foster mum to bring child 4 to our home and stay until he is settled.  We will help him to become used to us and his new  home.  Child 4 to have lunch, nap and tea at our house and the children will be involved throughout the day.  We will bath him and get him ready for bed before returning him to foster carers for bed time.

Day 6
AM – telephone review to see how everyone feels things are going.  The fostering support worker to ring The foster mum and report back to child 4's social worker.  Our social worker will catch up with us and report back t child 4's social worker
12 midday – We will collect child 4 from foster carer and take him back to our home. Nap, tea, bath etc undertaken by us before returning  him around 7pmish.  The children will be involved when they return from school.

Day 7
9am – 7pm – We will  collect child 4 and take him back to our home.  Attend to all his needs as before then return to foster carers, Again the children will see  child 4 and play and interact with him after school.

Day 8
Same as Tuesday although could return earlier, say 4pm so that The foster family can have a farewell tea.

Day 9
10am - We can bring him home!

How scared am I

What are we letting ourselves in for

We met up with more relations today, we are trying to see as many as possible before child 4 arrives just in case we have to disappear off the face of the earth for w few weeks. Fortunately, the weather held for us. Brilliant sunshine with occasional cloud cover. It was an interesting mix of children ranging from 2 to 17.  The teenage boys of 14, 16 and 17 were with us under sufferance, not that I blame them really, picnicking with the parents and two very small children (2 & 7) can't really be that enticing! Although not one of them complained they just got on with it.

For us though a day spent with a 2 year old was a definite eye opener as to what our life is soon to become. My very rose tinted memories of 2 year olds are cuddles, holding hands to wander down the road, explorations in the garden, stories, songs and tickles. I am right there are all of those things but there is also the tantrums, the running away, the refusing to hold hands,the exhaustion.

It was interesting to see how child 1,2 & 3 dealt with their 2 year old cousin, child 1 loved it, in fact she carried her cousin around quite a lot, child 2 spent his time making sure she didn't climb the steps to quickly or run into the road and child 3 was really glad that we weren't adopting her cousin because she wouldn't play with her or do as she was told. A little bit of the green monster I think.

By the time we got home all I wanted to do was collapse and drink a steaming hot cup of tea. As I sat with my steaming hot cup of tea the realisation struck me that our 2 year old will be coming home with us and will want his tea, his bath, his milk,a story and a cuddle before hopefully settling to sleep which is no doubt when I will finally have the opportunity to drink that steaming hot cup of tea!!!!

Eat, Pray, Love

I’m just through with the guilt. So, here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to finish this pizza, and tomorrow, we’re going to buy ourselves some bigger jeans. Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love

After Friday's worrying news I spent yesterday wallowing a bit but after work decided to pull myself together and do what I always do when I am sad or worried. Look up comfort food, I sat with some of my old favourite cookbooks Fannie Flaggs The Original Whistle Stop Cafe Cook Book, Spooning with Rosie by Rosie Lovell, Cherry Cake and Ginger Beer by Jane Brocket and of course Nigella's How To Eat, hmm can you see the theme yet. So today I have pulled pork melting away in the slow cooker and pineapple upside down cake baking in the oven sending out aromas of spice, sweet and love through the house. In fact the menus for this week are all favourite comfort foods, Lasagna, Fish cakes, Sweetcorn fritters and curry. I feel better already just being surrounded by these favourite things.

"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in.” Elizabeth Gilbert

A trip to church  (it is Sunday after all) provides some solace. The occasional glimmer of sunshine lit up the stained glass window that overlooks the alter, beautiful. A sermon about faith and love lifted my spirits and coffee with the community to remind me of the wisdom in sometimes accepting that some things you cannot change, sometimes you just have to go with the flow and have a little faith.

“Do not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are only robots" Elizabeth Gilbert 

Being philosophical, it's shows how much we love this little boy already if we want him here with us now.

A little crack in my heart

Due to unforeseen circumstances Child 4 has been placed in respite foster care, probably until he can come home with us.

I spoke to our social worker last night, "we could just go and get him and bring him home now" but of course the policies and procedures that dictate how placements are set mean that this cannot happen.

The government is changing the law so approved adopters can foster a child they hope to adopt before the legal process is complete.   But this is still in its trial period, the system is not running in our council, but our fantastic social worker is going to investigate the possibility of us being registered as emergency foster carers just in case we can work something out.

I know that rules and regulations are required and I am also very aware that when on one of our courses when the fostering to adopt scheme was first mentioned I was very cautious even quite cynical. I felt that although it definitely had potential, as prospective adopters I did not know if I could  put our family forward. Why? You ask, because foster care is very different to adoption. Children placed in foster care can be reunited with their birth parents if the birth parents can show a change in their behaviour or their circumstances. Which of course is exactly how it should be but  can  you imagine the heartbreak for the potential adopters?

Now of course, when that same scheme could possibly have meant that we could have stepped in as child 4's respite carers I would sign up now!

What I am finding so very hard about all this is that he's mine and he is in trouble and probably scared and confused and there is absolutely nothing that I can do.

If child 1,2 or 3 needed me to save them from where ever they were I would be on my way!

Meet the Birth Parents, chapter 2

When we started our adoption journey, over a year ago now,we were asked if we would be willing to meet the birth parents of our adopted child. Initially my reaction was no way, but, after the process had been explained and I'd thought it through I felt that it would be a wonderful opportunity to gain some insight into where child 4 had come from and I also believe that it is really important for child 4 to know about his mums pregnancy, his birth, his heritage and what his parents were like growing up and if any of their traits, likes or dislikes have been passed to him.

We weren't sure if child 4's birth parents would meet with us and there is no guarantee that they will turn up to the meeting. Regardless a date has been set and questions ate being deliberated. For our security our social worker will take us to the meeting place and will remain with us throughout the meeting. The birth parents will be supported by a charity group who have been working with them since we were matched. Both sides will have the opportunity to ask questions (these will have been asked in advance and the answers prepared). The questions I hope to ask are, why did you choose his names, did you have cravings when you were pregnant, how long was your labour, who does he look like. What are your favourite colours, bands, books and movies. What did you like at school, were you sporty? They can ask us questions too and I honestly have no idea what they will ask but I will be honest in my answers. At the end of the meeting we will have a photo taken of the four of us and this will be put into child 4's life story book bringing together his two families.

I have found that birth parents are frequently demonised and this is so very sad and often unfair. I am not condoning any of their behaviours but often they are just people who have had a rough start in life, have no strong family support networks, are probably fairly uneducated, they may suffer mental health issues or they may well have been in care themselves so have no experience in how to raise their children. They do not understand that their child rearing behaviours are completely inappropriate so do not understand why their children have been removed, never to be returned.

Just imagine how you would feel if someone from the council said that you needed help with your parenting, then someone visited you frequently, questioning why you were doing something or not and then after a time they said that actually you couldn't look after your child so they were going to be taken away. I know that if someone took away my children I would hunt for them until I found them, it would break my heart. Why do people expect the birth parents of children in care to be any different. Empathy is one of the most important characteristics of human nature and I think it's a trait that we should rely on especially when dealing with people or situations we do not understand.

Inside the head of a 7 year old

Sometimes when something goes wrong a little piece of magic appears.

The speakers on our car stereo are not working (unless the back passenger door is open so not ideal when travelling) so I was dreading the six hour round trip to visit family yesterday. After charging up the IPad and child 3s portable DVD player we climbed aboard and headed off. By the time we reached the motorway child3 had fallen asleep, so her brother turned off Treasure Planet and dozed himself for a bit.

When child 3 awoke, she began to sing quietly to herself. After a while her words infiltrated my thoughts and made me smile. She was flying on an Egyptian magic carpet, the sky was blue and the sun was so bright she had to shade her eyes. She flew over swimming pools filled with hot chocolate and marshmallow floats. There were steam trains and lands filled with ponies, sweets and Macdonalds? There were dragons and princesses' and parties just for her, a new queen. Of course there were witches and monsters but they were all sent home by her silver armies.

Of course once she realised we were listening the song stopped and the "are we there yet? and I'm hungry" chorus started

Messing around on the river

“There’s nothing––absolutely nothing––half so much worth doing as messing about in boats.”  The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham

Or for me “There’s nothing––absolutely nothing––half so much worth doing as messing about on the river"

A grey morning but with blue skies and sunshine in our hearts, we loaded the car with a picnic, changes of clothes, waterproofs, the children and Dylan the Dog and headed south. We met up with my parents beside a cobbled cove in Minehead for bacon butties and hot tea and coffee from a flask, the grey clouds were floating away but there was still a cold snap in the air so we sat in the boot of the car just out of the wind with our hands wrapped around the steaming hot drinks in their little plastic cups. The children and dog of course were allowing the waves to chase them up the beach squealing with delight as they just escaped those puffs of icy cold foam. Then back into the cars for the final leg of our journey to meet up with my sister, two of her boys and friends. This final step is the climb up Porlock Hill across the amazing moors and down into Lynmouth. As we crossed the moors the sun came out highlighting the purples and greens of the stunning landscape, England at its best. The fields roll over until they reach the cliffs that tumble down to the blue blue sea and in the distance Wales shimmers in the sunlight. 

We parked up by the river Lyn and all pile out of the cars donning on our waterproofs as the cloudy weather front closes in. The odd shower won't be a problem as we will be protected by the canopy of trees that edge the river as we stroll towards Waters Meet. The children love it here as I did as a child. I spent many a summer holidaying in North Devon, not always remembered fondly I'll admit but the River and the nearby peaks of the Valley of the Rocks hold many memories of my childhood. 

All the children from the tinies to the hulking 17 year old love messing around by the river, they paddle, splash and rock jump, we always follow the riverside walk to a tea room, stopping to explore the many pools and coves on the way. The dogs run on ahead sniffing out exciting trails before returning to herd us altogether to keep us en route. 

We cross bridges, climb the trails, clambering over tree roots and ducking beneath the branches. The waters are either still and quiet in the pools or roaring over boulders and rocks carried down over the years. The sun comes out just as we arrive where the waters of two rivers meet in rushing waterfalls. The children stop for hot chocolate with lashings of cream before they once again play in the water, all of them getting wetter and wetter. We eventually head back to the beginning of our adventure for an amazing picnic, sitting under the canopy of branches, now to offer shade from the midday sun whilst the children mess around in the river again. When it is finally time to leave they all need their changes of clothes and wrapped up in blankets and towels they doze in the back of the cars dreaming I hope of adventures like those of Rat, Toad and Mole or Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn.