Summertime and the living is easy

As we climbed the hill behind our house the surroundings became quieter and quieter, just the sounds of the children laughing and the wind dancing in the trees. We often walk the dog through the fields and woodlands behind our house, there is a quarry complete with nesting peregrine falcons that you often hear screeching and they can be seen soaring on the thermals looking out for their lunch. If we follow the path it leads you on a winding adventure through  a thicket of ancient trees, brambles and wild flowers, the sun flickers through the canopy of green, lighting up trails of magic encouraging us to look for evidence of fairies and other woodland creatures. The  age old trees provide perfect doorways and sanctuaries through their roots for all types of tiny mythical creatures. Of course we have never found any fairies and after fruitless searching we move onto to where the track leads us through rock that had been dynamited many years ago to provide a through way for lime to be transported to the kilns. Here the children can climb the lower rock faces and climbers often can be seen climbing and abseiling the towering cliff faces that we wander through following the path to where it forks, the right fork would take us through fields to the next village the left takes us homeward bound.

When the dancing wind lulled we could hear the grasshoppers chattering in the hedgerows, child 2 knelt down to hunt for them and found that if you sit quiet and still you can see where they are by watching the blades of grass move. We sat for ages watching these tiny creatures hop, skip and jump amongst the grasses. Until child 3 found crowds of cabbage white and red admiral butterflies feeding on a purple buddleja. She stood holding her hand out waiting for the to alight on her outstretched fingers for ages. Standing still and silent waiting patiently for just one to settle, once one had she would call in delight then wait again for the next one.

Eventually we started our homeward journey, enjoying the quiet and the magic of a summers afternoon, planning the fairy house and garden in the roots of our apple tree, watching out for more mini beasts in the hedgerows that edge the road home and recognising the friendship and love of family for those few moments before the bickering begins again.....

An apple a day

Yesterday we met up with a lovely paediatrician to gain an insight into child 4's general health. Child 4 is nearly two, he is achieving all his milestones as expected. He is, I am glad to say, nervous with strangers. One of my concerns has been that child 4's social worker and foster mum have been citing his willingness to hug strangers and his ease with the occasional respite carers as a good thing, where as I following all the training and reading about attachment disorders feel that those types of behaviours are a concern. So to hear the paediatrician say that he behaves warily with people he doesn't know put my mind at rest.

Although no one has a crystal ball it would seem the ony two possible concerns are of mental health and ADHD. Child 4's birth parents have a history of mental health issues and possibly suffer from ADHD. Both of these conditions can be hereditary however with birth parents they could be symptoms of upbringing, that nature versus nurture debate raises its head again.

Parenting is such an important aspect of our children's ability to grow into well rounded individuals, I know that some behaviours are dictated by nature but I truly believe that if we can offer the right type of nurturing for our children, keeping in mind that they are all very individual in their needs and  desires that we can help them to become the best that they can be. Naughty steps and reward charts don't work for all children, it's about asking for different advice and trying new ideas so that we can provide the right boundaries for our children to follow their own paths, learning from experience and facing consequences so that THEY can be the people they want to be. Pre-empting and preventative behaviours are so important in raising children. Just like the apple a day keeps the doctor away mentality can help with so many aspects of our parenting.

Good old Dr Seuss knew what he we talking about.......

Chocolate Mousse

One of our favourite pudding recipes, don't you just love the word pudding, pud ding, pu dding, its just one of those words that makes me think of farmhouse kitchens, open fires or wood burners, jam bubbling on the stove top, fresh bread cooling on a rack on the window sill, homemade cakes and homelaid eggs, washing blowing on the washing line and lots and lots of children playing in the garden working up a huge appetite.

Whoa back to the recipe, one of our favourite PUDDING recipes is the easiest ever chocolate mousse. All you need is 250gm of chocolate, any type of chocolate so long as its good quality and 600ml of double cream. Break the chocolate into squares and place into a bowl along with a couple of tbsps of cream. Pop into the microwave for a minute, stir then microwave again (slowly and carefully as chocolate burns really easily in the microwave.) Pour the rest of the cream into a mixer and whip until thick like milkshake.  Pour the melted chocolate into the whipped cream, gently amalgamating the two until they are well mixed. Pour the chocolate mixture into a cling film lined spring form cake tin or little dishes. Leave to set in the fridge.
This recipe freezes beautifully and can be really easily adapted. I've made it in layers of dark, milk and white chocolate, added coffee to the melted chocolate before stirring into the cream, stirred raspberries into the mixture and so on use your imagination!

Our mousse along with the creme caramel I've made are sitting in the fridge ready to be shared at a barbecue tomorrow with my parents, my sister and her boys and my Aunt. Yummy.

Pictures to follow tomorrow when they are in their glory on glass serving stands

And here is some chocolate mousse spooned into mini pastry cases topped with a raspberry for a party we are off too.......

Sibling Rivalry

Oh joy of joys, six weeks of summer holidays with 3 children, which means six weeks of fun, laughter and bickering, arguing and stropping!!

With us adopting the favourite throw away comments shouted to gain a reaction are:

I wish you weren't my mum, I want to be adopted!
You don't belong in our family!
You are not my brother/sister you were adopted!

I guess it adds a bit of variety instead of the usual "I hate you" "you loser" or the favourite when they think I'm not in hearing distance is "shut up and go away you idiot!"

Up until recently my mantra has been "sibling rivalry is healthy it teaches children how to handle different situations, preparing them for adulthood." I still firmly believe that, but I am concerned about the  type of throw away comment that will be shouted across the dinner table when child 4 is older and able to stir up trouble. I think that all our children once in a while like to drop a verbal live grenade into the middle of the dinner table conversation just so they can sit back and watch the explosion and then the fall out. This fallout could potentially be a lot more volatile in the future. With comments like "you are adopted so aren't allowed......." Or "I was chosen so am better than you" could make our dinner table conversation quite interesting don't you think?

If I keep my mantra in mind at least the adoption will always be an open discussion and all the children in our family will have dealt with any prejudices or stupid remarks that they may come across during their lifetime in the safe environment that is our kitchen.

They will hopefully have learned the best way to deal with ignorance and bigotry, but more importantly they will have learned how to cooperate with others, be tolerant of different view points  and know how to work as a team. Negotiation, empathy, managing emotions of themselves and others, resilience, learning about consequences are all crucial parts of growing up and I will keep on telling myself that, when they are bickering they are learning important skills to be used later in life.......

Barefoot in the park

Picnic packed, spicy chicken wraps, crisps, red grapes and juice. I've not baked this week so promises of ice cream instead. We all climb aboard the car and head off into the sunshine.

Today we visited a conservation park, we saw zebras, Okapi, Eland, Lemurs and Cassowarys. In a huge meadow perfect for picnicking, playing, running and jumping there stands a tower and in its shadow child 2 and 3 had a go at archery, a perfect place for both of them to pretend to be mini Robin Hoods.

The best bit was the Barefoot Trail, we had to remove shoes and socks (obviously) and then walked over wooden poles, through pebbles, tyres filled with chopped rubber, sawdust, sand, hay and grass and a pool full of what smelt like zebra poo and finally sea glass. The kids loved it and went round the course so many times that I lost count. This type of activity is fantastic for all children but adopted children who potentially could suffer from a sensory disorder it's like magic. Some children who have spent time within the care system or with birth parents who do not know how to provide for them will have missed out on some really important sensory learning behaviours. They may not have been cuddled, sung too or played with. A child left in his/her cot or in front of the television all day will have missed out on so much.

Interestingly, a number of mums today could be heard telling their children to keep their shoes/wellies on as they might hurt themselves, child 1 commented that how sad it was that some of the children visiting today couldn't just enjoy themselves, explore and get dirty. I am sure that you know how I feel about grubby children and barefoot grubby children are the best. I have to say that I like being barefoot except when its cold. In fact I will always be one of the first to kick off her red glittery heels and dance barefoot at a party!

When was the last time you took off your shoes and walked barefoot, feeling the ground beneath your feet or splashed barefoot in a puddle of water? Give it a go, take off your shoes explore the world with nothing between you and the earth, feel that connection, be free, get your feet dirty and enjoy the feeling of the earth beneath your feet. Walking barefoot transports me back to my childhood, there is something nostalgic and exhilarating about feeling the world through the sensations under foot. Something all children should experience.

Why do you believe that you can provide a home for this child?

Why do you believe that you can provide a home for this child?

This is a question we have been asked as part of  the Adopters’ contribution to the Adoption Placement Report. Wow what a question. We haven't even met child 4 yet. We've read his paperwork, seen photos and a DVD although they were from about six months ago.

How do we answer a question like this about a not quite two year old we have never met?  I know that we have a home environment ready to take on a child. We are parents already, although its hard remembering what two year olds are like, I find myself watching all toddlers when we are out trying to work out how old they are and I watch to see what sort of things they do.  Our home has passed the health and safety check so social services see our home as safe, clean and a good environment for a little one. We have completed huge amounts of training and read enough,books on adoption and child behaviour to fill a book case so we should a least be aware of the types of behaviours a new child may exhibit over a lifetime.

The children are excited, child 1 was looking at little boy pyjamas on Wednesday when we were out shopping, child 2 is  establishing his army, planning the training for child 4 to aid him in the "destruction of the curse of the evil sisters" and child 3 is talking about her baby brother all the time.

Why is this little boy so good a match for us. I think I knew from the day I first saw his picture, our social worker thinks he looks a little like my husband and I think she's right, it's in the eyes! The children took to his picture too, although I didn't show them that until after we had told them about him. 

Child 4 is like most toddlers, into cars and trains, loves being outside and bath time. He doesn't like being strapped into car seat or buggies, that sounds familiar. 

I guess there are no guarantees in life, but, we so want this to work. Our three birth children maybe a like in some ways but are so completely different in others. We are not rigid or inflexible we want our children to be the best that THEY can be. We want them to flourish, be independent and be happy with their lives, not living for us. They need to live their lives, making their own mistakes and learning from them as they grow. Life after all is about personal experience not living through or for some one else.  

My answer then is because we will love him for him, nurturing his natural abilities so he can flourish, helping him to deal with difficult situations and decisions, so that he can learn independence and inspire his self esteem so that he can be happy. 

10 steps to supporting us

Stolen from our social worker and modified by me.

1. We are Mummy and Daddy to 4 children, they may not all necessarily match our DNA but we cuddle them when they are sad, kiss their hurts away, tell them off when they are naughty, read them bedtime stories and know their favourite things. Never ever use the adoption word when introducing us. We are REAL parents to them all, got it?
2. We will probably parent differently now, it's called therapeutic parenting. This means that we don't send our children to their rooms or use naughty steps. Adopted children have been rejected enough so we won't reject child 4 in any way. We will keep him close. IT WORKS for birth children too, ask child 2 and 3!
By the way if you disagree that's fine but I don't need to hear about it, I can however lend you a book explaining it.
3. We may not join in conversations about pregnancy and or birth etc, our child 4 did not grow in my tummy he grows in our hearts.
4. We may make quick and quiet escapes from parties, get togethers etc, please do not be offended. Adopted children don't always cope with large groups of noisy people so sometimes it's best to sneak away.
5. If we don't make that quick get away please keep in mind that a child who's had a traumatic start in life will respond in ways that worked for them before – This might mean screaming, running away, becoming aggressive. They're not just “being naughty”, so your help in trying to keep things low key will help.
6. I know child 4 is gorgeous and will probably hold his arms up for a cuddle, but to start with its imperative that he learns who his Mummy and Daddy are and the way to do this is to let us do all the cuddling until the attachment is secure.
7 All children do .........  Your children probably hit, bit and tantrumed, just maybe not all at the same time, or for months on end or at the age of 9. This is likely to be my life so a little sympathy would be good.
8. Sorry no photos, in case a friend of a friend of a friend recognises child 4  from facebook and knows his birth parents. Who will then know where he lives,what nursery or school that he goes too and who his adoptive family are. Not healthy.
9. We won't tell you anything or everything about his history it's not our story to tell. So trust us when we say that this is the way things are.
10. Your support is wanted and required, there will be those who can't cope so will avoid us and those who will interfere, which will probably be worse. Nothing can beat a shoulder to cry on, a cuppa, chocolate or a bottle of wine to share. So if you are up to the challenge find out a bit more about adoption or just keeping reading my blog. I will be grateful for all the help we can get!