Damage Control

 Damage Control.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference"

As a child I was taught this prayer and it's something that I have returned to as I have grown. That is until I adopted, now I cannot just accept the things I cannot change, I have to find a work around. Since adopting, working around is something to which I am becoming far more adept at. One of the trainers on a course I once attended said that those who take on some of the most damaged children in our society have to be a little eccentric we have to be able to think outside the box, we have to think on our feet very quickly, we have to accept when we get it wrong and repair ASAP. We need rhino thick hides and copious amounts of patience, not only with our charges but also with ourselves. Our social worker said that once on a visit, when one of our chickens tried to get in through the cat flap and we laughed and let the chicken in for some raisins then set her back outside, was the day she knew we would be OK, says it all.


This week at a Conscious Parenting Course I had a revelation,  I will not be able fix everything that goes wrong, I have to find a way of managing the fall out. Sometimes I don't need to even know what has happened I just need to let my son know that I know things can be hard, but no matter how hard they are I will be with him. I don't need to change the world to make it fit my little boy, I need to help my little boy change the way he views the world.
We spend so much time looking to fix things that can not be fixed, when sometimes we just need to not accept it, but work around it and move on.
Life is unfair and for our children it is particularly unfair, but that is how it is whether we like it or not. The establishment as it is, is not set up or funded to look after traumatised children whether it be social services, education or mental health services. Those in the front line aren't to blame, they have their jobs to do and do them they must, the majority to the best of their ability some going above and beyond and of course those that don't.
We all know that the systems in place are not really fit for service, we are all at some point frustrated by the lack of understanding shown.

There will always be ignorant people;( people who believe that once children are adopted they are fine; those that see them as damaged goods and those that don't care, so we need to be able to support our children.
We could storm into schools and social care offices all the time demanding that they support our children in the best way but that is exhausting. We have to have other ways of putting our children at the centre of what we do and I recognised this in the Conscious Parenting Course run by Richard Reddington, that I attended this week. An attendee was sharing a story about how her child was going to be in isolation that day. Your reaction was ours and the trainers but instead of allowing us to become caught up in the unfairness, he just said what you need to say after school today is

Wow, you had a tough day today, but you made it through and I am proud of you.

No condemnation of the school, the child or the situation, no condoning of the school or the situation, just being there in the moment with the child, accepting that it was a tough day and standing with them . Genius, wow I can make this work for my family.

This does not mean that I won't still be a voice for change to the establishment it just means I can't wait for it to change, I have to control the damage it is doing now.