Tales of the Unexpected

I am rarely able to link my posts with the WASO theme, so this week I was really surprised that I could write about unexpected support.
http://theadoptionsocial.com

Child 4 has been accepted into our local school and I have started planning for his school entrance plan. Oh but how to do this in a positive and constructive way. The older three have attended the school, child 3 will moving into year 6 in September and I am a school governor, so I am well known by the staff. I have always been pretty relaxed with the relationships I have had with the school and have been, for the most part, really happy with how my children have been educated and looked after during their time there.

However, I have always felt that the school have struggled with accepting that child 4 could potentially come with a interesting set of needs. I have lost count of the times when I have tried to talk to them their response has been, "he'll be fine" "he has you now everything will be ok" or "he is a very lucky boy" Everyone of these responses worry me as they all completely ignore the effect that his early life may have had on him. That some how we as a family have some magic wand to wave that will just make everything better.
So, I really don't want to alienate the staff by stomping in with a list of demands or make them feel that I don't trust them to be able to educate him.

With some persuasion I pushed the school into having attachment training, this started very gradually with the teacher and teaching assistants in class 1 first attending a course and then due to their raving about how good it was, a morning session was included in an inservice day for all the staff.
I was amazed and over the moon, when the head on the way back from an academies training session this week, asked about what I thought about the attachment training, I explained that for me it was a pretty basic course, just giving a flavour of attachment but didn't really give specific ways to help, she agreed and asked if I knew of anything else the staff could do. Well, of course I could and emailed her the next day with loads of information (some of which I know I had sent before, but hey sometimes slowly, slowly works)

Our school entrance planning meeting has been set for the first week after half term, the class teacher, the SenCo and child 4's key worker from the nursery will meet with us to discuss his needs. This is brilliant, the nursery are amazing with child 4, they are pro-active in how they avoid melt downs, they have picked up that there are a couple of boys in his peer group who instigate situations and sit back to watch the fall out. The staff now watch for this and deal directly with the instigator, child 4 is often completely unaware of this. The nursery staff don't want any stigma attached to child 4, so they intend coming armed with all their advice to ensure transition goes well and that the school are very aware of how to handle child 4 pro-actively.

Then, I read Al Coates' blog, the bit that really struck me was the reminder that adopted children have "motivated and articulate parents to advocate for them and support them throughout their school lives"* parents like myself who read up on everything to do with attachment, behaviour and all types of support. And not only that, everything that we share "is an opportunity to highlight good practice and broadcast it to new audiences"* which means that when we as adoptive parents share good behaviour support it can affect so many other children that don't have parents in their corner supporting them.
* * http://www.alcoates.co.uk/2016/04/behaviour-management-review.html

So my opening gambit is going to be that my gorgeous, spirited little boy is going to be joining the school and to ensure that he grows into the man he can be, he will need help with being scared, frustrated or out of his element. But, do you know what, he is going to be fine because we will help everyone to recognise the signs of struggling so that they can pro-actively support him, and on those days that being pro-active doesn't work we will just have some quiet calm down time and start again tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone who is there at the end of the phone, everyone who shares a gin and tonic or a bottle of prosecco with me, the head teacher who I think is beginning to get it and Al Coates for giving me the ok to go in to school to share my knowledge.

Contentment

We could hear the river before we saw it, the overflow from the surrounding hills and farmland were making the waters high and frothy, yet really really clear. As always we followed the path along the rivers edge towards Watersmeet where a tea rooms awaited us. We strolled leisurely along watching how the waters changed depending on the landscape. The fast flowing waters crashed against the rocks that have traversed the river over the years, displaced and worn down by the winter storms. These Rapids are interspersed by quiet pools of calm, where the children could paddle in the clear cold water and skim the smooth, flat stones found all along the waters edge. Sometimes the path led us up into the hills still following the meanders of the river just higher giving beautiful views and an opportunity for child 4 to throw the rocks that sit awaiting him, down into the depths, creating huge splashes. Occasionally he would change the trajectory and aim for the hillside opposite where we walked and would dance delightedly when one of his rocks bounced off the green and ricochet into the waters below.

It is these days that are my favourite, our "famous five" days out. Involving picnics of sardine and chilli sandwiches, homemade sausage rolls, grapes, home made flapjacks and cake, Pringles and squeezy yoghurts. Child 4 loves the whole thing from preparing the food, to loading the car to arriving somewhere new. He isn't even that fussed as to where we end up, in fact the more low key the place the less anxious he is. We spent a day at the zoo where he ran from enclosure to enclosure almost worried that he would miss out if he didn't see everything "right now." Once we had visited all the animals he was desperate to see, he calmed down and was happy to meander about. The trips out that were the most successful during the Easter holidays were the ones to the moat to visit and feed the swans and the ducks and then a stroll through the gardens and a play in the park. The other was an overnight with grandparents and cousins to Lynton and Lynmouth, child 4 spent the whole time there throwing sticks and stones into the river.  There was no anxiety, no demands and no tantrums just contentment.

Although it is lovely to spoil the children occasionally with a visit to a zoo or an adventure park, I have found that for child 4 in particular, choosing a place of natural beauty, the woods, a hill to climb, the beach or a river is a calmer, less stressful option.

We need this time, time to decompress, away from school,exams, work and the humdrum of life. Time to be together without the easy distractions of wifi and TV, time to walk together, talk together, just be together. The petty arguments decrease, the tantrums cease and we tolerate each other so much more. This is when I know our family is doing ok and I feel myself relax and just enjoy moments in the here and now, not worrying about what is yet to come. I am content!

So with this in mind I have started to hunt for more outdoor stuff to do. Pinterest helps with scavenger hunts and garden play. I have found a Forest School that we can join and learn from and we are going to take part in the Wildlife Trusts 30 Day Wild Campaign by completing 30 Random Acts of Wildness during June (maybe something for #taspic perhaps?)
http://action.wildlifetrusts.org/ea-action/action?ea.client.id=1823&ea.campaign.id=48499

Someone once told me that her mother had always told her when she wished to wish for contentment. What a wonderful gift, to be content and I believe that the natural beauty of the English countryside offers us that. Contentment.

"Tiger mum"

One of my biggest fears has been that I would turn into that parent, yeah you know the one.
The helicopter parent that doesn't allow her child the freedom to have a go at anything, for fear of them getting hurt
the authoritarian parent setting strict behaviour rules with no warmth or thought for how their child thinks and the permissive parent allowing her child to get away with misbehaviour.

I am feeling that the perception of me by others is the worst parts of all three.

In the last two weeks I have had a parent in the playground inform me that my child has just punched and bitten her child, I was watching the altercation between the boys, my son being the much smaller and younger one,  although I am very aware that he is a scrapper, more than capable of giving what he gets when he is pushed, and I know that there was definitely a bit of pushing and shoving but definitely no biting. When I highlighted this the other mothers response was "well, if I was his mother I would want to know"  I wanted to respond with yeah, well you're not, but seriously what is the point child 4 is already getting the reputation in the playground as "that" child by a small group of righteous parents.

When I needed to get him seen at the doctors surgery' following a referral from the 111service, as we couldn't get his temperature down below 39* (keep in mind the febrile convulsion he suffered only 8weeks ago) I was made to feel like I would be wasting the doctors time and that I was just being neurotic and then when we arrived to see the on-call doctor, we were left waiting for 40 mins in the waiting room, until child 4 started fitting on the waiting room floor. The on-call doctor didn't have a clue what to do and I have never been so glad to see a paramedic again in my life.

I know that some of child 4's peers parents think I worry too much, that I keep him too close, that I don't allow him to play unsupervised and out of my eye sight. But I am the one that has to calm him down when things don't go right, when someone is mean in the forest school area, my child doesn't just shove back he uses the huge stick in his hand for maximum retaliation. He has absolutely no fear, so although I let him climb the tree, I need to be sure he won't climb too high, get stuck and panic or just show off and fall. 

Yes I know that all boys do the things he does, but with him, emotionally everything is magnified or just ignored. If he falls over, he does not always cry or ask for help, perhaps he is being brave or perhaps he still believes that he has to deal with pain by himself. Some of his peers have already realised that they can wind him up like a little toy, pushing his buttons until he can't cope and he goes off on one like a whirling dervish, be it being really silly or really angry. The staff at the nursery have picked up on this and proactively watch for this happening, removing the instigators rather than child 4.

Fortunately, I have a couple of really, really good friends, the ones that push a bit when you need sorting out and following this latest hospital trip I needed a fair bit of sorting out. For us this is just the beginning, I have to get out the big guns, strap on the armour around my heart and mind, I need to ignore other parents, I have to learn to speak in a language the professionals understand, whether they be doctors, nurses or teachers. We are responsible for child 4 and we have to be in his corner fighting for him - metaphorically at least. So I have learnt words such as hypothalamus and pulse oximeter, I have dusted off the interview stuff that Sally Donavan helped with care of her book The Unofficial Guide to Adoption and I am preparing myself to be a different type of parent that I have always been.
Keeping in mind that I am being the type of parent that my children need me to be, a parent that walks with them on their journey, holding their hands when the road gets tough, allowing them to make mistakes, to take responsibility and preparing them for when it's is time to fly solo.  Well no one else is going to do it are they?

An overnight bag

I am not a control freak, honest. But I do like to be some what in control.  So when child 4 has a febrile convulsion everything is completely out of my hands and I am powerless to do anything. In traumatic or difficult situations I find that if I have something practical to do I cope so much better.

We were back in an ambulance again this week, this time from the doctors surgery so I didn't have time to grab pjs, a nappy or a drink for child 4 or anything for myself. A hospital sleepover without a toothbrush yuck. 

The hospital staff were once again amazing but the children's ward just aren't set up for a lone parent on an overnighter. They only have enough food for the patient, but you can't leave young patients alone to pop to the cafe, hot drinks aren't allowed on the ward and children aren't allowed in the parents room where the tea and coffee is available. Nightmare. We arrived at the hospital about 7pm, no dinner and I finally got a drink in one of those white plastic disposable cups at 12.30am, I was lucky enough to get some toast at breakfast but nothing else until I got home about 4pm. Wow that cup of tea was heaven.

This time we were referred to a consultant about child 4's febrile convulsions, he was a lovely chap, putting both myself and baby boy at ease as he talked through what we needed to do. He explained that febrile convulsions are caused by the brain realising that the body is under attack from a virus or bacterial infection, the brain tells the body to get hot to burn off the infection but in child 4's case the part of the brain that deals with temperature control, the hypothalamus hasn't matured yet, so the body gets hotter and hotter, the brain can't cope and goes into melt down, which causes the fit. It is believed that the hypothalamus will mature by the time a child is 7 years old - 3 years to go. 
Unfortunately, there is very little we can do to prevent a fit, if child 4 has a temperature we must remove his clothing, give calpol or nurofen, feed him cold fluids or ice lollies and try a fan, however if he is going to have a fit, he will regardless of what we do. 
In child 4's case it isn't the fit that is an issue, 1 in 20 young children suffer febrile convulsions, it's the length of time that they continue for, 30 minutes on Tuesday. So, I have been given a bottle of midazolam so that I can help reduce the length of time the fit takes. We still have to let child 4 fit for 5 minutes before administering the medication but hopefully the midazolam will calm him down quickly once given. There will still be ambulance journeys and probably over night stays in hospital but at least we can do something rather than watch and wait.

On my mums advice, mums are great aren't they? I've made up an overnight bag full of cartons of juice, snacks, chocolate, pjs, nappies, wipes and a toothbrush so we are ready to roll next time. (I was tempted to pop in a can of gun and tonic but felt that might be frowned upon.) My job next week, is to speak to the hospital to see if I can donate a couple of screw top travel mugs so that us parents/guardians can have a much needed cuppa. 

A Worry Tree

Child 3 struggles with emotions, especially anxiety and apprehension. She will meltdown when she doesn't understand her maths homework, she tantrums if she thinks that she is in trouble and when it's time for gymnastic competition well diva is an under statement. 
I have been managing these "moments" as I always have done, ignoring what I feel is irrelevant, talking thorough what I feel is relevant, allowing time to calm or cuddling and whispering. However, it very, very slowly, dawned on me that child 3 still wasn't managing her emotions so my usual wasn't enough. I had to find another way so after searching through anything that could help I found an interesting article about "The Worry Tree" 

It is a very simple idea:

1. Get your child to draw a  tree and some leaves to attach to the tree. 
2. Talk to your child about what is worrying them, and if they are old enough get them to write down their fears on one of the leaves. I asked child 3 to write down her worries, so the list began; what if mummy got ill and died, what would happen if mummy and daddy divorced, what would happen if her friends all hated her, World War III, gymnastic competitions or child 4's birth family finding him. 
3. First ask if we can actually do anything about the worry. EG World War III, we cannot control that but we talked about the sad things happening around the world and talked about how we vote in our government here in England and that we need to trust that they will look after us, if we disagree with the government we can contact our MP, sign petitions and take part in demonstrations to share our concerns.  Mummy becoming ill, well at the moment I am as healthy as a horse but I can't promise that forever, worrying won't change that but I could promise that if I became ill, I would fight it and I would tell her everything she needed to know, if the worst happened and I did die, her daddy would still be here to look after her as would her Nanna and Grandad and child 1 and 2.  We could help with worries about gymnastic competitions. We talked about what exactly the worry was and then we talked about how we could deal with that. We talked about learning her routines, practising them. We talked about the worst case scenario, if she forgot her routine, if she fell on her face or everyone laughed at her. Then we talked about how to deal with each of those situations. 

Once we had dealt with each one, the leaves could fall to the ground.

I wasn't sure if child 3 had taken the idea on board, she became agitated as we worked through her list and eventually stomped off refusing to talk anymore. Interestingly though child 1 and 2 wanted to share their worries and they found the whole process fascinating and very helpful. In fact it gave me a real insight to their thoughts about today and their futures, opening lots of discussions about many subjects. It also gave me lots of food for thought as to how I could best support them, though that's probably for another blog.

Today, though to my delight, child 3 took part in an area schools tumbling competition, she was nervous but still completed her three routines. At the last meet she was extremely anxious, clingy and weepy. So there was a huge improvement and despite being a little disappointed in her placing (I was really proud of her) she had a great time and is healthily nervous about the next compete - next week!!! Was this due to our worry tree? I don't know but it was definitely worth an afternoons experiment as I think my three older children benefitted from that time to talk and share.

Big Feelings in Small People.

The last two weeks have been tough, child 4 has been clingy, tantrumy and shouty, well to be honest just plain difficult.
He wants to know what he is doing throughout the day and then will ask over and over again when something is going to happen. For example in the half term holiday we were going to my parents one afternoon to celebrate my youngest nephews birthday. "When are we going to Nannas?" "After lunch" "When are we having lunch?" "After we have had breakfast, got dressed, walked the dog and collected the shopping" - major tantrum - on the floor kicking and screaming "that's TOOOOO LONG!!!!!" Then it's clingy cuddle time, he burys himself into my arms and neck sobbing before he asks "when are we going to Nannas?" And so the spiral of behaviour begins again.
He sits on the sofa, watching TV and will shout and scream until someone goes into to see what he wants - his legs don't work so he can't walk into the kitchen to ask for a wrap or a drink.
If we dare to say no, he will call us "butt heads, poos, stinky heads" then slam doors, throw whatever is close to hand, on Thursday he threw the little table across the living room screaming how much he hated me.
He will demand that I tell his siblings that they have to play with him and when I say no he hates us all.
When they do play he will lose his temper if one of them wins or if they are playing hide and seek he doesn't want to count and seek so will refuse to and then have a tantrum when they won't play with him anymore.
In the playground he will react to rough and tumble that gets out of control, with even greater agression.

I know some of this is a phase, some is half term tribulations - routines have changed and he struggles to cope. But I do worry a little that this is a sign of what could be coming. With that in mind we are trying to come up with strategies to help him.
Being angry is fine, being sad, disappointed or frustrated are all perfectly acceptable feelings but tantrums, agression, violence and rudeness are not, so how do we help our little boy with these massive feelings and how do we help him come up with ways of managing them. He is so little but will be heading to school in September, he will alienate friends and staff if he reacts with excessive anger when life doesn't go his way.

We have found that proactive, close supervision is imperative, if we can step in before a behaviour escalates we can help calm everything down.
 I am using picture explanations of his day and telling him only what he needs to know of our plans. This one is tricky as he will ask what we are doing that day the minute he wakes up.
We are always available for a cuddle, this is by far our quickest way of calming a situation. Although it is often on his terms and only when he is ready.
His siblings are managing really well. They are so good at playing with him but understandably don't want to play with him every minute of the day, although it's hard I am sure this sibling play, rivalry and bickering is so important to his maturing. They love him unconditionally but provide tough but natural consequences when he will not play by the rules. With his dad and I in the background to smooth the way he will learn that taking turns, not cheating and not always being the winner is part of life.
We certainly are not always getting it right but we are working on it, hoping that the foundations we are trying to lay will help him throughout his future.

Narrowing the Gap

I have been thinking about this quote all week. I am sure that everyone agrees with it yet we do not seem to live by it. Since comparison testing whether it be local, county or country we generalise our children all the time. Expecting them to not only want to study subjects decided for them but also achieve in the same way.  I have read so many education articles this week, Theresa May wants police commissioners to set up free schools for troubled children, an article written by a student on why art subjects are so important and one by a teacher explaining why schools are not to blame for the lack of social mobility.
Our education system is so very good at expecting our children to all be the same. It tests them all in the same way and now those that fail those tests (phonics in KS1, year 6 tests and GCSE maths and English) they have to retake again and again.  To my way of thinking that is surely setting some of our children up to be failures often before they are 7 years old. In a country diverse in class, race and culture, a country that is open to EU citizens, a country that is offering to take in 3000 unaccompanied refugee children, how on earth can we expect all our children to be the same. How can we expect them to start in the same place, move through school together doing the same and then finish completing the same or similar exams, when they so obviously don't.

I live in one of the most poorly funded county councils in the country and our education system is letting down many of our children. On Monday I attended governor training about narrowing the gap between disadvantaged children, that is children on free school meals and pupil premium children, and children not classed as disadvantaged.This course was aimed at encouraging governors to dig deep into the data available in schools, to ask lots of questions about how much progress and what type of progress all our children are making, especially our disadvantaged ones. The reason for the course was because our county is failing disadvantaged children, in fact the gap gets terrifyingly bigger the older the children get.

The course was fascinating and gave a really good insight into figures provided by a system called Raise On Line (this data system is however now extinct as the government has removed SAT testing) we were able to look at all types of different groups of children, male, female, traveller, English as an additional language and so on and we could see the academic progress that they had made. But and a big but was the lack of discussion about what could be actually done to support the children who are not making the grade. There is talk of intervention, more pupil planning, more reviewing and at the same time I know that speech therapy and occupational therapy funding is being cut.

The lack of understanding about pupil premium children is compounding the problem. These children tended to be generalised and lumped together, there doesn't seem to be a recognition that all of them have different stories, so their needs are different. It was suggested that pupil premium money could be spent creatively giving schools more choice but then they generalised by suggesting it covered PPA time or reviewing time. I don't have a problem with the money being used for teacher preparation time per se so long as it means that the preparation is to ensure that the lesson plans are suitable for pupil premium children. In our case for example if it meant that lessons were aimed at outdoor learning and forest school that would be perfect for our child 4, however I am very aware that this is not the best use of the money for all children. It is imperative that pupil premium money is handled on a case by case basis and not one that is necessarily about academic achievements. Pupil premium children have to be happy, safe and secure before they can make academic progress. There will be no narrowing of any gaps if our education leaders do not recognise this.